*Special thanks to Bluesky user @casualfrankenstein for pointing out that I could have said, “Turdiest Player in the Game” instead of my original subheading, “Crappiest Player in the Game”
One of the best ways to appreciate the intricacies of pro wrestling is to watch a David Flair match. No, really.
Wrestling is as intricate an art form as any other, requiring countless tiny little details to make it work. And the wrestlers must internalize all of these, as there’s no way to consciously recall all these subtle actions — especially not under the pressure of a live performance.
Everything in wrestling is complicated. Locking up? It looks easy until you see someone do it wrong.
Selling a punch or a kick convincingly? Surprisingly difficult without looking silly.
Selling an atomic drop? What possible real-world frame of reference could you have for that?
Timing your bumps? Be in the exact right place at the exact right time, or you’ll be sent into orbit, maybe snapping your neck in the process.
Taking aerial offense? Fall too early and you run the risk of hurting yourself or your opponent on the landing.
Falling out of the ring? You’ve got to know where all three ropes and all four limbs are, lest you crash right to the floor.
Complicating the whole thing even further, there’s a whole set of conventions in pro wrestling for things that would never happen in real life.
How does one realistically take an Irish whip? Logically, you should just put on the brakes. But do that in a wrestling ring, and you’ll look totally uncoordinated.
Clearly, wrestling is hard. And no one made it look harder than David Flair.
Perhaps the greenest rookie to ever feature on national TV, David Flair’s stint in WCW looked like a one-off at first. Brought in to team with his famous father Ric Flair for one match…
…the Nature Boy’s boy stuck around the next night on Nitro, where he squared off with Eric Bischoff. The stakes? Control of the company.
Eric Bischoff was not a wrestler, by the way. But there’s “not a wrestler”, and then there’s David Flair.
The 43-year-old executive wrestled—or at least karate’d—circles around the younger Flair, who looked absolutely lost in the ring.
After about a minute, David Flair finally landed some offense, knocking Eric Bischoff out with a single, weak punch. Roll of quarters or no roll of quarters, you almost felt bad for Eric having to do the job here.
When Bischoff was ousted from WWE, they hauled him away in a garbage truck.
When he was ousted from TNA, they stuffed him in a port-a-potty and tipped it over.
This was more embarrassing than either one.
But that wasn’t it for the 19-year-old Flair. Instead, he’d spend the better part of the next two years in major storylines and paired up with some of the promotion’s most beautiful women.
Things got really ridiculous that first spring, when on-screen president Ric Flair brought his son (between storyline betrayals) back to the ring.
Wrestling El Dandy, David Flair did things wrong that you never even thought possible.
In a single amazing sequence, Flair:
- executed a half-assed headlock,
- bounced off the ropes while tensing every muscle in his body,
- nearly fell on his face doing a shoulder block,
- took an abrupt 90-degree turn,
- ran the ropes twice more while practically curled up into a ball,
- hit a three-quarter-assed clothesline,
- stood around, and
- took a drop toe hold like a felled tree, but more wooden.
Never before had viewers seen a wrestler do so much wrong on such a basic level. It’s not just that he couldn’t do the moves; he couldn’t even do the movements.
But believe it or not, David Flair won the match, thanks to an Arn Anderson spinebuster while the ref was distracted.
In some sort of giant rib, one of David Flair’s next opponents was former poster boy for nepotism Erik Watts.
Bill Watts’s boy no-sold David’s pathetic offense, as if to say, “You all thought *I* was bad?”
Watts then dragged Flair around the ring, smashing his head into the turnbuckles for real because David never bothered putting his hands up.
But as before, Double-A saved the day, laying out the opponent and dragging Flair on top for the 1-2-3.
The only logical next step was to make David Flair the United States champion. And so, on July 5th, a power-mad Ric Flair awarded his own son the prestigious title, making him the youngest champion ever.
As part of the undeserved push, the Nature Boy outfitted his son with his signature robes. David might not have had any of his father’s charisma, but like the Nature Boy, he totally lived his gimmick.
Unlike the Nature Boy, that gimmick was “bad wrestler”.
Of course, it was supposed to be a farce, with the overmatched 20-year-old defeating a different actual wrestler each week…
…always with the help of Arn Anderson or dad…
…and Charles Robinson, the referee whose “Little Naitch” schtick outshined the real son of the Nature Boy in every way.
This went on for a month before he finally lost the belt in a fair contest.
Later that year, David Flair adopted a “crazy” persona, wrestled at Starrcade, and formed a team with Crowbar (seen here carrying, naturally, a steel bar) and Daffney.
This team allowed WCW to hide Flair’s weaknesses (see paragraphs 1-57) and showcase his strengths (a pulse).
This was a common practice used to occupy established wrestlers working through injuries, or to capitalize on a hot rookie’s star power. Also, for David Flair matches.
Amazingly, despite now being a babyface, David still won every single match in the exact same way: Someone, whether his partner or a third party, would knock out his opponent and shove David on top.
Flair won three matches in one night this way to win the WCW tag titles.
As Flair’s offense was limited to a vertical suplex, he had no convincing way of finishing off opponents…
…and if he had any higher-impact moves, no one was brave enough to take them. Yet for some reason, he still had to win these matches, so the rag-doll act may have been a compromise.
In 2000, David turned on his father again in a storyline that saw his kid brother consistently eclipse him as a performer.
Flair would go nuts once more, this time in the Stacy Keibler pregnancy angle…
…before leaving the company at year’s end.
David Flair would emerge again in the WWF, getting brutalized by The Undertaker as part of his feud with Ric.
His one match and his accompanying Titantron video would spark a meme years later. Having been featured only once on WWF TV, the best footage they could find was of his dad watching him get beaten up.
This, despite having access to his entire WCW run. They probably made the right call.
Both in spite of and because of his initial push, David Flair never really had a chance in the wrestling industry. Having spent his first two years on TV barely trained, no one would ever take him seriously.
David retired from the ring for good in 2009, having failed to top Ric in any way…
…except as a husband, father, and human being.