This may be a first. I’m not sure I’ve ever inducted something for the sheer reason of being nothing more than totally and completely pointless.
What I am about to write about wasn’t neccessarily bad.
It wasn’t offensive.
It didn’t hurt business.
It didn’t make me want to shove my fist through the screen.
Those are generally the prerequisites for an induction. This, though…this is new ground.
An induction due to unabashedly POINTLESSNESS.
Our topic today would be a series of skits WWE aired in the summer of 2007 in which Michelle McCool proudly stated that she was, and I quote, “loving life.” She stated this over and over and over and over. In fact, if you saw the skits originally, I guarantee that you can still hear her words echoing in some repressed corner of your mind, as she explained her bliss in the most simplistic manner possible while doing the most simplistic things possible.
I’ve seriously spent an entire week trying to come up with something, ANYTHING, in wrestling history that served absolutely less of a point. The closest I could come up with was that stupid Karate Fighters toy tournament from the mid 90’s, but even then, I can say, “Well, they were trying to sell toys; it was a promotional thing.”
What on earth was WWE trying to sell here?
MICHELLE MCCOOL’S HAPPINESS?
And make absolutely no mistake about it: this bitch sure loved life.
One week, for instance, we got thrilling footage of Michelle running down the beach. And if you like Michelle, this was no doubt a dream for you. She looked dynamite in her little bikini.
But it wasn’t just eye candy. No sir, we got way more than that, namely…COMMENTARY!
Thanks to her fantastic voice over, we learned the following fascinating facts:
1) Michelle loves running on the sand.
2) She likes the warm sun.
3) She likes a cool breeze.
4) She likes sand in her toes.
5) She likes to have her long legs in front of her. (Which would mean, of course, that half the time she’d be pissed because the running motion dictates that the legs wind up BEHIND you.)
4) And yes, most assuredly, SHE LOVED LIFE.
Get this, though – not only did she love running (and life), but she was also quite taken by SWIMMING!
Well, maybe not swimming so much, but rather “POWERING THROUGH THE WATER.“
You know what would be fun? A regatta featuring Michelle McCool vs. an Evinrude.
My money’s on Michelle!
You know what else is really neat?
And making sure you don’t get burnt!
If I didn’t know this was Robo-Michelle saying these things, I would seriously thought Johnny 6 had found a new line of work.
All joking aside, it’s now it’s time for my favorite of Michelle’s favorite activities.
Sure she may have been fun to listen to waxing poetically about the sun and wind and swimming and drinking cold drinks and getting sand in her toes and avoiding skin cancer…that stuff was all fun.
But nothing…NOTHING…can prepare you for Michelle’s exploits…
ROLLERBLADING!
Actually, I may have misspoken.
According to Michelle, it’s not so much roller BLADING she loves, but rather…
Seeing the world on wheels, we are alerted, is always more fun!
And apparently this fun is multiplied by wearing the tighest shorts imagineable jammed straight up your rectum.
Seriously, look at that.
Now I’m no doctor, but I gotta believe it’s not entirely safe to completely suffocate your anal cavity like that.
Oh what fun Michelle looks to be having, especially as she “feels the bumps in the street!”
Or maybe she said “bums in the street.”
If so, I know just the guy she can feel up!
But there’s nothing better than spinning.
SPINNING AND SPINNING AND SPINNING!
Apparently it makes you so dizzy that“who knows where you might end up?”
I hope for her sake she stops spinning sometime, otherwise she may never make it home.
No matter where she finally lands, though, Michelle knows one thing for certain:
“I’m Michelle McCool, and I’m loving life!”
Oh, and I’m RD Reynolds, and I’m also loving life.
Pretty much due solely to the fact that I’m done with this induction.