It seems odd to me that as TNA, err, excuse me, IMPACT Wrestling nears its tenth year in existence, they’ve never quite figured out who they want to be. They seem to change on a weekly basis from being a company that wants to be the attitude era of the WWF to wishing to be WCW reborn to to focusing only on giving fans great in-ring action with the X-Division. You’d think after being around for so many years there would be some kind of stability in their direction, but it…
You know, I always like to write these long, drawn out intros, but seriously, do I need to do so here?
I mean, just look at this image:
That sums up TNA (screw it, I’m not calling it Impact Wrestling).
If you ever wanted a summary of Dixie’s laughingstock of a promotion, the 320×234 pixels you see above tell you everything. A fat guy in a tiny thong parading in front of a fan that desperately wants to believe that TNA is actually about wrestling.
And you can just tell that fan so, so badly wants it to be true. He wants it to be a real alternative to WWE, he wants it to be something it’s always had the potential to be, only to see that potential not only squandered time and again, but squandered in a manner that makes you embarrassed to be a wrestling fan at all.
I mean, I look at that and wondering what I am doing with my life.
AND I’VE SPENT THE LAST DECADE MAKING MY NAME BY MOCKING STUPID STUFF LIKE THIS!
~sigh~
So yeah, in 2007 TNA came up with yet another one of their wacky slogans. You know those, right? Stuff like “Wrestling Matters”? Remember that? How about “Cross the Line”? And the creme de la crap, my personal favourite, “We Are Wrestling!”
Yep, you sure are.
So what, pray tell, brought such an image to our TV screens? Glad you asked.
Actually, no, I’m pissed off you asked, because that means I have to go back and watch this again.
Anyway, it all started with this lovely lass right here:
Yep, that’s right. Christy Hemme.
One thing Christy isn’t: a good actress, as was evidenced by the beginning of this whole chain of events that led to that flesh lathered thong above.
Ok, the backstory.
Christy wants to be involved in wrestling, and wants everyone to remember all the great women wrestlers of the past. In particular, she wants Billy Gunn and Road Dogg Jesse James, parading around TNA at the time as the Voodoo Kin Mafia and proclaiming themselves to be the true foundation of DX in a storyline that really deserves its own induction, to think about who the real backbone of that group was.
Shawn Michaels?
Triple H?
Heck, X-Pac?
No silly!
What about Joanie Laurer?
Billy Gunn reacts exactly like you’d expect Billy Gunn to react to such a question – he calls Christy a slut.
So on the one hand, Christy is standing up for women and Billy is being a chauvinistic prick.
On the other hand, she’s bringing up Chyna – CHYNA!!! – as a role model for the fairer sex.
Who on earth is supposed to be the babyface here?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
So anyway, this leads to Christy screeching and screaming in the most annoying manner possible for several weeks, until Jim Cornette (at the time the TNA President or Commissioner or GM or whatever) decides to allow her to stand up for women the globe over.
And how does he do this?
By putting her in a tuxedo match.
So for those of you keeping score, in TNA the 19th Amendment = a Tuxedo Match.
No matter where you live, fellow crapper, be very glad Dixie and her crew don’t run your country.
Most of you I’m sure know what a tuxedo match is all about, as the goal is to strip your opponent out of his or her fancy getup. They are always quite awful, and we’ve featured at least one of them on the site in the past.
Still, this one does have Christy Hemme.
So this could be fun.
Who’s her opponent?
Velvet Skye?
Angelina Love?
Tara?
Madison Rayne?
The pervy mind reels at the possibilities.
Not even TNA could screw this up, could they?
Was it ever in doubt?
And now I have to do a backstory on the Big Fat Oily Guy (who was portrayed by former Jobber of the Week Tiny the TNA Time Keeper).
Joy.
So WWE had a character around this time called Big Dick Johnson (again, an induction that is overdue) who would prance around wearing just a thong.
TNA decided to mock WWE for something so stupid by…well…doing the exact same stupid thing.
Not sure that’s a very effective way to mock something.
So to the match we go, with horrible punches being thrown whilst various pieces of clothing are pulled away.
All the while, Mike Tenay tries to call this action, proclaiming that Christy is “going to the mount.”
Is it to late for me to stop this induction?
Naturally, it’s not long before we have an oily, shirtless, de-pantsed Christy.
Wait, that’s a typo.
We have a depantsed Christy and a shirtless oily guy.
That first sentence must have just been wishful typing.
Sometimes I really hate this company.
And a sunset flip attempt leading to a…
Nor does Christy yanking Guy’s pants off.
To be fair, though, Don West claiming this was like watching bad porn made me laugh.
Until it made me ponder the image of Don West actually watching porn, which made me vomit.
…Christy celebrates.
Until Billy shows up and threatens to show the world his fart chamber.
But it’s a SWERVE!
Instead, he rips off Christy’s shirt.
So Billy ends this by basically attempting to ripping her shirt off?
That has to make Christy the babyface.
Right?