It’s that time again….CHRISTMAS BABY! My absolute favorite time of the year and as you all know, I always take the spot for my last new induction on the calendar and fill it with an induction of something very non-wrestling related, that being terrible Christmas movies or TV shows of years past. I’ve done it pretty much since WrestleCrap first came into existence, and you can catch all those goodies rightchere. I am doing the same thing this time around but in a slightly skewed manner as I am going to tackle the insanely weird world of Santa Claus HOTLINES!
You may read that and think, “Uh oh, RD’s been hitting the spiked eggnog.” I guess unless you were around in the 80s and 90s, you have no earthly idea just how big hotlines were. If you were there, you get it. If not…well, I will try to explain. See, you had a phone, but it isn’t a phone like you have today. It was wired to a wall and you could talk on it to other people with the exact same setup. You didn’t text. You didn’t take photos. You didn’t play games on it. You literally talked on it and that’s it. Eventually someone figured out that you could charge two bucks or more per minute just having someone call your phone number and listen to a recording. It was an entire completely bonkers industry that will never be seen again.
For folks on this site, pro wrestling hotlines were HUGE. I guarantee if I asked you to give me the phone number for the WCW hotline that Gene Okerlund hosted, at least half the folks reading this right now would be able to do so. And it’s been defunct for a quarter of a century! There were hotlines for every conceivable genre, so it makes perfect sense that weirdos looking to make a quick buck would pretend to be Santa and crank out commercials asking little kids to call to hear what jolly ol’ St. Nick would have to say. There were lots of these hotlines, but I was able to whittle down just ten of them. Who’s ready to let our fingers doing the walking and dial up some merry madness?
Completely Generic Santa Hotline
So I am starting off with this very plain Jane Santa hotline so you’ll get a good feel for what these were all about. A dude puts on a white wig and beard and answers the phone to tell the kiddos he’s there to tell them stories and it’s just a buck and a half per minute to do so. The obligatory “get your parents’ permission” disclaimer is given, although let’s be real – no kids EVER did that. No, what would wind up happening is the phone bill would come in January to baffled parents asking each other, “Why on earth are we being charge $37 for a call to 976-3030?” At this point one of two things happened: Mom and Dad shrugged their shoulders and paid the bill or they took little Johnny to the woodshed. Anyhoo, that’s the basics of these hotlines. Got it? Good. Let us continue!
Another Generic Santa Hotline But If You Pay Attention You’ll See What You’re Getting Into
You may look at this one and think that it’s basically the same as the first one, but at about the 25 second mark you will notice Santa starts talking very very sllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwlllllllyyyyy. Because that was where you could really rack up the bill. That first minute was always a couple bucks, but if you could keep that kid from hanging up for minutes on end, Kris Kringle could start raking in the cash. Here Santa is convincing the kids it’s worth sticking around because they were getting a letter from Santa AND a free present! You might wonder what such a present would be so let’s call…
Santa’s Almost Certainly Satanic Hotline
See, I TOLD you these Santa hotlines were whack. Where to even start with this one? The ridiculous special effects that enable Santa to fly over the city? How about the fact this Santa is giving out WHOOPIEs? What on earth is a WHOOPIE? Why would I want one? More importantly, let’s discuss the phone number itself, which is just a string of 6’s all strung together. You can say you’re given a portion of the proceeds to the Special Olympics (which I guarantee was a 1/1000th of a hay penny if any was given at all), but it’s very clear this hotline is less Santa and more Satan!
Santa Talks To You From His VERY 1980s Living Room Hotline
In addition to the quality (or more often total lack thereof) of the outfits these Santas were sporting were the locations they were hanging out. Sometimes it was just a foggy background, sometimes it was a “workshop” with some toys scattered about. Here, Santa is answering calls in the most 1980s living room you ever did see. I have absolutely no doubt that little girl on the phone was six feet away from the fireplace Santa was at here. Good thing the camera man didn’t get a wide angle lens for Christmas.
Proof That Santa May Be Behind Those Weird Drones Everyone is Talking About in 2024 Hotline
With this one we get to see Santa actually working away, getting toys together for the boys and girls come Christmas morning. Thrill as Santa sews teddy bears together and busts out a paint brush to put the finishing touches on a train no child would ever want. But then it gets really interesting, as he gets a screwdriver out and very meticulously constructs what I first believed was a helicopter but on closer inspection might well be a drone. I should also note a lot of these hotlines were based in New Jersey…Mrs. Deal, get Jesse Ventura on the line! I gotta conspiracy theory!
Hotline in Which Santa Recruits Cheap Child Labor and During Which I’m Pretty Sure He is Having a Seizure
This one here is very strange, as St. Nick attempts to get children to join his crew as “helpers”. Dude, you have elves, ain’t that enough? But it’s at the ten second mark where you need to pay special attention, as the poor guy starts going into convulsions! Seriously, what on earth is happening there? Don’t tell me that’s supposed to be laughter ’cause I ain’t buying it. Also mad props for having a half second Wizard movie promo at the beginning of this clip and a half of a half second commercial for Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol at the end. The most wonderful time of the year indeed!
The Official Santa Is High as a Kite Hotline
This one starts with Santa telling a story, which I will recount for you verbatim here: “And the camels ate the straw and left a beautiful toy in its place!” I’d be ashamed to tell you how many times I watched this to decipher that. WHAT IN THE NAME OF RUDOLPH’S SHINY NEW YEAR IS HE TALKING ABOUT? And could those kids be any more bored asking Santa for more stories?
Santa Has the Worst Hairdo Ever And Also Uses a COMPUTER (!!!!) Hotline
For what may well be the first time in recorded history, we get footage of Santa Claus using an honest to goodness computer! He also busts out those same terrible presents the other guy a few videos up had and they somehow look even crappier here. And SPEAKING OF CRAPPY…look at the hair on top of Father Christmas here! That bald cap looks bad enough, but this guy doubled down and busted out some pirate paste and glued random white fur on top of his noggin as well. This is less Santa than more Beldar Conehead. HORRIBLE.
Hotline in Which Mrs. Claus Appears to Being Held Hostage
Oh man, this one…this one was the impetus for this entire article. You see, on the Purple Stuff Podcast a while back they brought up this particular hotline commercial and upon witnessing it, I was floored at how downright CREEPY it is. We get yet another terrible set that looks like it was actually someone’s studio apartment and an ‘elf’ who is just some kid playing Hunt the Wumpus on his computer. And while I know we’ve talked a lot about terrible make up and outfits today, ain’t nuthin’ comes close to what’s on display here as it appears Santa’s face is covered with some type of varnish! What on earth this that???? And then there’s poor Mrs. Claus. She sounds as if she is in abject fear reciting her lines, almost like someone off camera is pointing a gun at her and telling her to follow the script OR ELSE. It all wraps up with Santa telling, nay, threatening children with an ominous warning: “Christmas is near…AND SO AM I!” Not sure that gets me in the mood to celebrate the holiday, but do you know what would?
SANTA’S RAP HOTLINE!!!!
Yo yo yo! It’s Santa and he’s rapping just for you! This one is unquestionably my favorite just because it is so of the time. We get Santa being pulled around on a sleigh by his bros and skanks dressed up as reindeer shaking it all about. PLUS you can tell someone just got Video Toaster for their Amiga as they are busting out all kinds of wacky effects, like Santa flipping upside down over and over. They even rapped about getting parents’ permission! LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!
And I love each and everyone of you as well! I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and a blessed New Year ahead!!