With WrestleMania fast approaching, I was bouncing around in my skull any horrible WrestleMania stuff we hadn’t covered over the years. And there it was, way back in the recesses of my gray matter. Something I had long repressed because of just how much I hated the whole thing.
The Saga of the Undisputed Champion and a Dog Named Lucy.
Sweet Christmas this was horrible.
And you know what? It should have been a great moment for one of my favorite wrestlers of the last 20 years, that being Chris Jericho. It was his time to main event WWE’s biggest show of the year, a moment that he no doubt dreamed of since he was a little kid first watching wrestling. He was on a roll, no doubt, as he was the first ever “Undisputed Champion”, merging the “WCW” and “WWF” belts into one title, beating no less than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and The Rock in the process.
Life sure was great for Chris Jericho.
Seriously, how could anything go wrong?
I mean, he beat Austin AND Rock, and if he could beat them, who on earth would stand a chance against him?
Well, yeah, of course.
Look, I’ve made it clear in the past that I am no fan of Trips. Has he had some good matches over the years? Certainly. Can he cut a good promo? Yeah. Do I still think his rise to the top of the business is tainted?
Uh, yup.
My biggest issue is that the guy seemed to have problems letting anyone else ever see the spotlight. I know some folks say that’s just part of the Triple H character, but I trust me, I’ve seen enough promising careers hit the skids after running into his ‘character’ to question that.
So when it was apparent Jericho was heading into Mania in 2002 as the defending champ, and his opponent was to be The Game, well…I didn’t have high hopes.
Little did I know, though, that Jericho’s WrestleMania dream would go to the dogs.
And I mean that in the most literal sense of the word.
See, Steph and Hunter were in an onscreen feud at the time, going through a divorce. Steph was doing everything she could to make life miserable for her soon to be ex, and for some reason had his dog with her.
You all remember Lucy, right?
The dog Trips loved so much that he talks about him constantly?
What do you mean you never heard Hunter mention his dog in his whole WWF career?
Oh that’s right.
Because he never had.
Anyway, we get some legendarily horrific overacting by your fiend and mine, Nipple H.
By the way, that’s not a typo there. I didn’t forget the “r”. See, I’m clever like that, substituting ‘fiend’ for ‘friend’.
Sure enough, here comes Hunter, talking to the dog like a total buffoon.
I’d make fun of him, but seriously, everyone talks to their dogs like that.
Anybody know why that is?
Yeah, whatever.
So yeah, Lucy is no longer Hunter’s dog, because Steph went to “the judge” and told him how Hunter beat Lucy and wouldn’t feed her.
Hunter says that’s totally untrue, and Steph agrees, but states that it doesn’t matter because the judge bought it.
I sure hope that judge doesn’t watch Raw.
So Hunter leaves, and Jericho shows up.
Jericho, again, I remind you, is the WWF Undisputed Champion. So he shows up, and…
…you know, I love Jericho and all, but those pants.
THOSE PANTS.
I can’t decide how to insult them best.
My choices are:
1) Jericho…shows up wearing pants that I believe he stole from the Vans Shoe Company Outlet Store (that one was mine)
or…
2) Jericho…shows up wearing pants that look like the fishnets Patrick wore in the SpongeBob movie (Mrs. Deal’s version).
Let’s pretend this is one of those old “Choose Your Own Adventure” books we used to get from the Troll Bookclub as kids and you decide.
Anyway, Jericho hates dogs too apparently.
This nefarious duo plots an evil scheme that involves making Hunter mad by taking his dog.
Seriously, that’s their way to get into Triple H’s head going into WRESTLEMANIA.
Before they can get too far, though, they smell something stinky, which can mean only one thing.
Lucy pooped!
So Steph orders Jericho to walk the dog and to find someone to clean up the crap.
What says WrestleMania Main Eventer more than that?
Jericho takes the dog out back, and rants abou about how he was the champion and here he is, walking Hunter’s dog.
He then cuts a promo on said dog.
Gotta admit, I never thought I’d type that in a Mania induction.
He then ties Lucy to the car door.
If you have a suspicion of where this is going, and are dreading the worst?
Don’t worry, you won’t be disappointed.
Following this, Jericho gets a call from Steph badgering him to go get some air freshener.
WrestleMania.
Main.
Eventer.
And yeah, to cut to the chase, they back up over the dog.
I seriously can’t come up with a single positive about this angle.
Hunter comes out and finds Lucy trapped under the car.
Dude, you’re the legendary HUNTOR.
Just lift the car up with your mighty muscles!
Steph goes into total freakout mode,overacting to a level that made her horrible overacting earlier seem Oscar worthy in comparison.
Not sure why when Vince does it, I find it endearing, but when Steph does it, I hate it with every fiber of my being.
Anyway, she explains that Hunter is going to kill her, because he loved Lucy so much.
Yes, the dog he never ever bother to mention before tonight.
Jericho says not to worry, though – he has a PLAN!
Steph heads out to the ring, starts yapping about how sorry she is…
…which brings out Hunter to beat on his wife.
Lovely.
Trips then shoves Steph’s head between his legs (eww), and then…
…and then…
…and then…
…Jericho sneaks in and hits him from behind with a sledgehammer.
You know, we probably could have done that without running over a dog or simulating spousal abuse.
So yeah, this was the big angle to entice you to buy Mania.
Gee, I wonder what happened in that match.
As if there was ever any doubt.
And that was the last we heard of Lucy, the dog Hunter loved so very, very much. So much that he never mentioned her before, or ever again.
You know, if Undertaker really wanted to play mind games with Trips this year…
No, I’m not going there.