Well well well…a quick glance at the calendar shows us that it has been 37 years since the 37th Annual Slammy Awards. Seems to me there is no better time to do a deep dive of the grand finale of that show! You remember that, right? When the entire WWF roster got together and began bebopping to perform If You Only Knew? If you’ve never witnessed this trainwreck before, head over to YouTube and find it. It’s cool, I’ll wait for you. I’d post a link here but I’ve found that any time we do that, folks over on YouTube get the ban hammer and I don’t want to be the cause of such consternation.
If you’re too lazy to do so, the best way I can describe it is a 1987 version of We Are the World but with the Killer Bees bobbing and weaving and bellowing out absurd lyrics. Actually, now that I think of it, no one was “bellowing” anything as this was a total lip sync job. A total HORRIBLE lip sync job I should note. In fact, the whole thing is utterly preposterous. Still, you can really see who wanted to be there, who was willing to be a team player, and who was counting down the seconds to get off that stage. In fact, let’s RATE them on just that!
One of the fun things was that the stage was divided – left side was your babyfaces, while over on the right was those nogoodnik heels. People like to mock AEW for having a heel entrance and a babyface entrance (well, TUBE I guess) but WWE was doing this way way way back in the day. Gotta also love that there’s a referee (Joey Marella, Gorilla Monsoon’s son) between the factions – that’s attention to detail!
The Million Dollar Man kicks things off and he looks….you know, like he’s fine with being there. As this was unquestionably the high point for Ted DiBiase’s career, I’m thinking Vince could have asked him to dance the Charleston and he’d have not batted an eye. Good but not great, I’ll give Teddy…
Honky Tonk Man gets the next line…and by line, I mean lyric. I can understand you may have thought it was something else since it was the 1980s and all that jazz. This song really gives Honky next to nothing to work with…and he promptly does next to nothing with it. He doesn’t even give the double hitch hike! Come on dude!
Things turn around RAPIDLY with the Doctor of Style coming on the scene, wearing an amazing suit and looking for all the world like there’s not a single place on all of planet earth he’d rather be. And dude, look at that GIGANTIC GOLD TOP HAT! That alone is worth…
My all-time favorite wrestling personality shows up next in the form of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. You may think he looks a bit disheveled and rightly so – he’d been running around backstage as Harley Race and Jim Duggan fought all over the place half the night. Kudos to the Brain for toughing it out and slapping that bow tie on top of his neck brace. Like I’d give him anything but…
“The Natural” Butch Reed shows up next. I love that there’s an honest to goodness LENS FLARE banking off his shades. Yes kids, we used to get that without the need for any wacky filters – just good ol’ fashion spotlights and mirrors. As much as I appreciate that, Reed doesn’t really do much here so he lands pretty much right in the middle at…
Next we get Jimmy Hart doing the chorus as the heel contingent dances along with him. You’ve got guys like Nikolai Volkoff, Greg Valentine, and Mr. Fuji looking like they need a teleprompter displaying “LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT!” and they still don’t quite get it. Then there’s King Kong Bundy who appears to be watching a Richard Simmons Sweating to the Oldies tape. Don’t mock him, I used to do that too. And Butch actually looks like he is bobbing his head and having a good time. Now I feel bad for only giving him ** and a half. Just for that and the fact that Ax and Smash are wearing bow ties over their S&M gear I’m gonna go…
Herc in full Roman gear? Virgil just standing there as everyone else looks like utter fools?
“Macho Man” Randy Savage and Elizabeth do their little bit next. Am I the only one who thought that girl in the song sounded NOTHING like Elizabeth? Anyway Mach doing the double take at “it may involve your body” makes me laugh. Enough so I’ll be a sport and forgive them for being completely out of rhythm and forgive Liz for not being the super hot WCW version she would later become. Forever a hill I’m willing to die on!
“You been talkin’ too much, too long, too loud…” go the lyrics. And ZERO idea this was Hillbilly Jim. That sounds more like something Bad News Brown would say, not a farmer from Mudlick, KY. Still, good for the guy on looking happy to be there and playing to the camera.
Koko makes his first of several appearances on the song and let me tell you, if Jim kinda wanted to be there, Koko is 10000000% onboard. And he even out lens flares Butch Reed by like a million lux. LUX. Look it up! I feel wrong not giving Koko the full monte here, but he has to share the stage and he was much better on the song Piledriver. Forgive me, Birdman. Forgive me.
The Junkyard Dog shows up to remind us he was still in the company at this point and growls some words. Dude always had a distinctive voice and he gets to display it here. This was, as I am fond of saying, fine.
The Hulkster shows up to sing and flex in his sleeveless tux and spandex pants. I’d rate him but my eyeballs are glued to Davey Boy Smith having zero, and I mean ZERO rhythm. Holy crap, that’s HORRIBLE. He’s literally bumping into poor Dynamite! What a buffoon.
Hogan gets a second chance telling us to “look in my eyes” and also that you’ll be “on your back”. He helpfully pantomimes all these so even the dude who is deaf and has 20/500 vision in the back row can follow along. Fortunately, the back row here would be like row three.
DiBiase and Hogan jaw back and forth as Ted throws Virgil between them…and Hogan immediately backs down. The power of Hulkamania can’t match the might of Soul Train Jones apparently. Who knew?
More clapping and dancing from the babyface side with Bam Bam Bigelow making an appearance. Don’t worry buddy – you may barely show up here but in a few months you’ll be main eventing Survivor Series. Better days ahead. And could Jake Roberts possibly look any more bored? C’mon dude, you’re in Atlantic City, I guarantee there’s some choice blow heading your way later tonight.
It may look like One Man Gang is giving the peace sign, but no, he’s telling us “you’ll be running out of here as fast as TWO feet can carry you.” Dude, if you knew what was waiting ahead for you with Slick in that parking lot with the voodoo doctor in a few months, you’d be heading for the hills too.
HOLY CRAP – OUTBACK JACK IS HERE! Not only that he’s pointing and laughing and wearing a goshed dern TUXEDO. It’s almost as if he is doing everything he possibly can to show Vince what a team player he is and praying to heaven above he doesn’t get sent back to Australia. Also, if you look super closely behind him you see the Ultimate Warrior, shirtless and wearing a bow tie. I thought Herc and Virgil couldn’t be topped, but this is VERY close. I’d love to see those two teams square off. Well, square off in anything but a wrestling match because that would be atrocious.
Wake up Boris! We’re almost done!
The song ends with “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan looking completely tanked and wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. The WWF logo descends from on high. A truly fitting finale.
But wait! There’s a bit more as “Mean Gene” Okerlund and Jesse “The Body” Ventura show up to award the best song award. Yes, best song, not best performance here, which is a shame. Regardless, Gene goes to open the envelope…
…only for the heels to steal it, pass it around, have everyone look at it (except an inexplicably stoic Jim Neidhart), and then gawk on as Roman Reigns’ dad eats the thing.
