If you’ve been around this site for any time at all, you know that your old buddy and your old pal RD Reynolds is a huge video game freak. Whether it be rushing out to eBay hunting down old Dreamcast games, having a full-sized WrestleFest machine in my house, or playing my 15 systems in one mega emulation station (hooked up to my big screen HDTV), I can easily waste days on end doing nothing but playing video games. (And I should note if you want to talk games, head over to our new Craphole forumwhere I am constantly posting about stuff.)
Over the years, I’ve posted a lot of video game related inductions ranging from horrible ECW PS1 games to that bizarre how to video with Bret Hart playing a Casio. One that I’ve always had on my to-do list was the Super Mario Bros. Super Show starring none other than Captain Lou Albano. I’d put it off for years, but finally decided it was time when I discovered an episode wherein Captain Lou himself was a character on the show.
Not an actor, mind you.
A CHARACTER!
In case you missed the “1989-1991” description above, you need only listen to the rappin’ intro to give you an idea of the timeframe of this particular program. Somewhere, MC Hammer weeps.
Or has it as his ringtone.
I know I do, since I took the time to record the stupid thing.
But the music is nothing – NOTHING – compared to the video in the intro. You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen Captain Lou dancing dressed up in Mario gear.
Actually, I stand corrected: you haven’t truly lived until you’ve seen Lou dressed in Mario gear running along a Mario background.
Mama mia!
Our episode today? The tantalizingly titled “Captain Lou is Missing”.
This being the late 80’s and a video game show, I’m guessing he’s hanging out some place with Carmen Sandiego.
If it were the EARLY 80’s, I’d have said he was on the Oregon Trail.
(I should note that I very badly want to make a Hunt the Wumpus reference here, but I already did that in the first WrestleCrap book. If you’ve never bought it, isn’t such a reference evidence enough that it’s time to do so?)
Our saga begins with Mario and Luigi finding out that World Famous Wrestler Lou Albano is missing. This according to World Famous Singer Cyndi Lauper.
Mario is quite distraught because according to him, Captain Lou was the nicest guy in the world.
I really hope at the end Lou shows up and says that Mario is the nicest guy in the world.
It would be like one of those inifnity mirrors, and I always thought those were way, way cool.
Anyway, the boys have little time to be distraught as a doorbell ring later brings us our very special guest…
…Cyndi Lauper!
She gets a small smattering of applause as “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” plays in the background before bemoaning the fact that she was to meet Lou for a picnic, and all she found was rubber bands for his beard (complete with downy clowny slide whistle sound effect).
Oh, and a note from Lou that says he’s gone for good.
This makes everyone very sad.
Well, it makes Lou and Cyndi sad.
Luigi? He just keeps stroking his plunger in a very disturbing manner.
Yes, like he’s masturbating.
What else did you think I meant when I said “a very disturbing manner”?
It gets somehow more disturbing when we switch to the cartoon portion of the show – I mean, jeez, slow down Luigi. You’re going to go blind, pal!
Oh, and yes – we are now in a cartoon version of the show, which is giving me flashbacks to the Star Wars Holiday Special when they went from live action to a cartoon.
Remember that? When Boba Fett made Luke think he was his friend by repeatedly calling him “friend”?
Good times.
Actually, no, it was horrible times.
I still wake up screaming having flashbacks of it in fact.
So the show, well, this part of the show I guess, starts with Mario (voiced by Lou), Luigi, Toad, and a very plump Peach.
I mean, look at her. And either I got a bad screen grab or she’s got acne too. I can only surmise from this that she just sat around eating candy all day waiting for Mario to show up at the right castle.
So they’re running for their lives from King Koopa (aka Bowser), who is now apparently a robot of some kind, a robot who malfunctions and then runs away.
I have to say of the two stories presented thus far, I am far more intrigued by the Lou as Mario/Cyndi Lauper/Stroking Luigi trio attempting to find Captain Lou plot.
Mario and Luigi find Dr. Nerdnick (which sounds like a WrestleCrap Radio character if I ever heard of one) to help them stop Robo Koopa.
His sage advice?
“You can’t stop him.”
Which he says in absolute gibberish. Think of the Muppets’ Swedish Chef with every single, solitary shred of charisma sapped from him.
That’s this guy.
Hey, what’s happening to Lou? Anyone find him yet?
And is Luigi still spankin’ it?
So after telling Mario he can’t beat Koopa, he builds a giant Mario robot suit, compelete with Luigi in the crotch.
Poor Luigi. I bet he wishes he was back in the mansion now.
(Ok, alright, I think I’ve fulfilled my geek gaming joke quota for this induction.)
Meanwhile, Koopa has captured Peach and Toad.
Do I really want to know where that chain is attached to Toad? It looks like it’s gotta be right up his rectum.
No wonder he speaks in such a high pitched tone.
One very quick (and boring) robo battle later, Mario is trapped, as is Dr. Nerdnick, who explains to Koopa that his power is going to run out unless he pushes the red button.
So he pushes the yellow button and is promptly shot to the moon.
Yeah, I don’t get it either, especially when the robot with the heart on her chest explains that he just pushed the red button.
With Bowzer in outer space, Nerdnick converts the robo suit into a pizza oven.
I’ve seen Impacts that have confused me less.
Well, thank God that’s over – now we can find out where Lou is!
According to Cyndi (at LOU SEARCH CENTRAL), he’s not in Moscow. But they do need more 8-tracks, to which Mario replies, “I’ll send them my Jim Neighbors tapes!”
You know, when I read that the live action bits on here were basically ad libbed, I didn’t believe it.
But name dropping Jim Freakin’ Neighbors?
Cue up the Monkees – I’m a believer.
All this hard work has Cyndi starved for some pizza. Mario volunteers to go get it.
Anyone want to bet Lou shows up now?
Yay!
Pay up, sucker!
Sadly, Mario misses out on meeting his hero and the show ends.
And oh boy how it ends: with a musical ditty entitled DO THE MARIO.
I will never, ever hear the Mario theme without lyrics again.
Curse you, Lou Albano!
You know the very first thing I’m going to do when I get that new Wii U? Create a Captain Lou Mii, and use him in Super Mario Mii just to reenact this scene.
Then I’m going to hit someone over the head with that thing’s giant controller, because I’m a jerk with too large of a disposable income.
Oh! And when I do it?
Rubber bands in my beard.
Gotta believe the Captain would have wanted it that way.