It’s somewhat amazing that after over sixteen years of running WrestleCrap.com, I still come upon horrible matches, stupid angles, and ridiculous characters I’ve never seen. The bout I’m inducting today falls into that category. It’s not that I’d never heard of it; as a guy running a site about the very worst in pro wrestling, I was told of it from pretty much day one. In fact, I am pretty sure way way way way back in the day, Madison Carter did a write up of it in his old Weird World of Wrestling columns right here on this very site. But unbelievably, I don’t think I’ve ever sat through it myself. I know for sure I’ve never inducted it myself, despite who knows how many requests since the site actually started.
As to what that says about me?
Yeah, that.
So today we jump in the time machine and head all the way back to 1992, heading to a small and short-lived company known as the Global Wrestling Federation. While I’d never seen the bungee cord fiasco we’re reviewing today, I definitely caught some of this promotion when it was in business. The sum and total of what I remember I shall outline below:
– It was the home of The Patriot, who wound up in the WWF
– It was the home of his evil nemesis, The Dark Patriot. I was going to say this was the worst name for a character I’d ever heard, but then I realized one of my favorite shows on television these days is The Flash, and that features his evil nemesis, The Reverse Flash, which is actually way worse
– There was The Cartel, an evil group headed up by a man named THE BOSS. I knew nothing him, but Blade remembered him so vividly that he penned a half page about him in our “Top Talked About – Yet Never Seen” Personalities in The WrestleCrap Book of Lists!. It’s actually a sad memory for me, as I somehow blew the opportunity to talk about Bobby Heenan’s legendary secretary, Miss Betty. I don’t have many regrets in my life, but that one is near the top of the list.
– Buff Bagwell was featured as The Handsome Stranger. That is an absurdly awesome name. I mean, just with that name, every guy with a female valet should be leery of the guy. I’d like to think if he showed up next Monday night on Raw, he’d leave with the entire women’s roster, Renee Young, Lillian Garcia, and then convince Vince to rehire Mike McGuirk just so he could steal her too.
“You had me at ‘handsome’, stranger!”
So as I go into this, I likely will remember none of the participants. Or maybe I will. One way to find out!
The video I pulled down notes the match pits Chaz Taylor vs. Steven Dane, and the primary build features the dastardly Dane painting his nemesis with a yellow streak right down his back.
WITH A PAINT BRUSH.
Seriously, look at that. Perfectly even, perfectly straight. I’ve painted walls in my house that have looked worse, and I use that stupid blue tape. So while I legit have no idea what happened to Steven Dane, if you’re in the Dallas area and need, say, your fence touched up, I’d suggest giving him a call.
Chaz, tired of Dane’s manager, Skandor Akbar (hey, I remember him from World Class!) and girlfriend, Alexis (hey, I remember her from…nowhere; legit have no idea who she was), interfering in his matches, agreed to any bout in which they could not interfere. Any bout in which specifically the GIRL can’t interfere. So he signs the contract and is promptly informed it will be the world’s first ever BUNGEE CORD match.
Yep – a match in which someone is shoved out of something high and to their…well…not quite doom I guess. I bet it looks something like this:
Well, except I hope the cord doesn’t snap.
And if it does, I hope there’s a giant river underneath them.
Anyway, is our hero thrilled at the opportunity to best his foe in such an encounter? Does he boast that he will triumph no matter the odds?
No silly – he face palms and whimpers that he’s afraid of heights as the announcer screams at him and the audience sits in complete silence, save for a little girl who laughs.
Hard to believe this company went out of business with booking like that!
Outside the arena we go, to what appears to be a parking lot. A parking lot without a giant body of water, I should add. That said, Chaz is now ecstatic, as Alexis is in a cage. Not sure why precisely he was concerned about her being able to interfere in this encounter (was she going to fly up there in a rocket pack?), but yeah, he’s very happy.
Before Chaz can get inside “the cage”, Maniac Mike Davis shows up, sporting olde tyme aviator goggles. Oh no, I’m having Independence Day flashbacks. I know some folks like it, but sorry, that movie was really dumb. As is this, where Davis giggles and proclaims, “Outer space! Moon rock!”
I mean, it’s not as stupid as having Cousin Eddie flying a crop duster into an alien mothership, but I believe that kinda goes without saying.
While I don’t know who the geek announcer is, I do know the color commentator – that would be the “Raging Bull”, Manny Fernandez! I can only hope his partner, the “Boogie Woogie Man”, Jimmy Valiant, makes an appearance.
Lest we get too concerned, we’re informed that “Special Referee Kevin” is handling things. I thought that had to be a case of the announcer forgetting the poor guy’s last name, but he brought it up the dude over and over again, never giving it. I retired many years ago from being in the ring, but if I ever do decide to make a comeback, I will only do so if the official for the bout SPECIAL REFEREE KEVIN.
Thank goodness we have this man upholding the law and order, as the two men will be put together inside a tiny cage that will be lifted into the air. If you’re looking for a lot of Greco-Roman action or even fisticuffs of some sort, I bet you’re going to be disappointed because there is absolutely zero room to maneuver in that thing.
Dane makes his way to the cage, but begins to have second thoughts. Chaz will have none of that, which leads to a tug of war. You’d think that would end up with Chaz yanking his opponent inside the cage, but NO! Dane simply walks away while Chaz stays in the cage yelling at him, instead waiting for about six other guys to grab Dane and throw him in. This Chaz guy may be the single worst babyface I’ve ever seen.
And I’m living in the Roman Reigns era.
Finally both guys are in, and the cage is lifted 175′ (or 190′, according to the Bull) into the night sky. And…well…we can see pretty much nothing. This despite us being told we CAN see everything, thanks to, and I am quoting here, “the great GWF crew!”
Wait, I stand corrected. We get shots of feet kicking and dangling slightly outside of the cage.
That seriously may be the worst use of 5MB of bandwidth I’ve ever had on this site.
FINALLY we get some action, with Dane hanging onto the cage for dear life as he very delicately ‘stomps’ on Chaz, who is teetering on the edge of falling backwards out of the cage.
Just as it looks most bleak, Chaz snatches victory from the jaws of defeat. And by ‘snatching victory’, I mean blatantly grabbing Dane by the groin and throwing him to the ground. If ever we needed a clip of Vince McMahon saying, “What a maneuver!”, it’s here.
After Dane attempts to end Chaz’s life by pulling him out of the cage as it’s being lowered to the ground, our hero celebrates by running to his mommy and crying.
Really. I’m not joking.
He then cuts what may be the most horrible promo in the last 20 years (and that includes gems such as this and this and this). Egads.
To quote the dirt worst babyface I ever did see, “I need not say no more!”