Despite the fact it was over 20 years ago, I remember March 17, 2004 like it was yesterday. As well I should – it was on that day I got to meet my favorite personality in pro wrestling ever, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. They say to never meet your heroes, but I’ve found that to be ill advice, and it certainly was with Bobby. I remember asking him to sign his book for me and he stopped me in my tracks, telling me “I won’t sign mine for you unless you sign yours for mine first.” He was simply a class act.
I’ve said many times that if there were no Bobby Heenan, there would be no WrestleCrap. While an early match with the British Bulldogs got my attention, it was really Bobby along with Gorilla Monsoon on Prime Time Wrestling that got me hooked. So anytime I have a chance to talk about Bobby, you can best bet I will do so. Even if that means have to induct a segment in which he was involved!
Such is the case tonight as we journey back to the realm of Tuesday Night Titans, or if you prefer simply TNT. If you have any knowledge of that show I need say no more, but for you newer fans, just imagine a talk show with wrestlers, managers, and whomever else they could find heading on the stage and doing goofy skits for the amusement of Vince McMahon.
So Bobby comes out, insults the people in the crowd, Vince (who was hosting), and Lord Alfred Hayes. He quickly moves past that though as he has big news – he is bringing an honest to goodness WOMAN into the Heenan family, which is what he called his stable of wrestlers, populated by the likes of King Kong Bundy, Big John Studd, Andre the Giant, Haku, and countless others.
But unlike those burly brutes, his new lady is quite the dish! In fact, he compares her to the likes a Marilyn Monroe, Suzanne Sommers, Jane Mansfield, and Dagmar! I know people used to rag on Bobby for his dated Quincy references, but compared to DAGMAR those were downright timely. I heard Dagmar and seriously thought it was a candy bar!
I guess you’ll need to forgive my ignorance, consider Dagmar was born in, no joke, 1921! As much as I will forever love the Brain, even I can admit he was a bit behind the times now and again. Regardless, it’s now time to meet Bobby’s new femme fatale…
LIBERTY THOMAS!
I know Vince had to be expecting us to all be like “WOW.” And I can say for sure I was, but not in a “WOW this woman is beautiful” but more in a “Wow what on earth is this poor girl supposed to be?” Is she trying to channel Bo Derek in 10? Is she trying to be elegant? Or is she just a straight up 1980s hooker?
Heenan explains to us that not only is she headed for a world championship, but also movie roles and perhaps even a line of lingerie. That might not be the worst idea as it doesn’t look like she’s wearing anything under that catsuit.
The Brain proceeds to explain to use that he’s been wining and dining her, prepping for her big run to the top. He also explains that she caused all kinds of trouble in school: “Any time she turned around, she’d erase the blackboard!”
We then get a zoom in on Ms. Thomas, and, well, all I can say is 480p is not her friend. Also, she is quick to counter Bobby’s claims about wining and dining her, saying he’s never taken her any place. The utter temerity of this woman – calling “The Weasel” a liar!
Vince then piles on by noting that quite a few wrestlers have had issues sustaining a long-term relationship with “The Brain”, noting how there have been quite a few, shall we say, “divorces” in the Heenan family.
Bobby says it’s all good, there’s going to the top together…but Liberty isn’t quite so sure. “When you wine and dine me a little bit more, maybe we can work something out,” she says with all the emotion of a BMV worker calling up the next person to get their license photo. Eh, maybe less than that even. She continues on with her wrestling aspirations, explaining that she wants to be a champion and she never wants to lose, capping off the speech with “I have to know you’re behind me.”
Heenan gives one his best snark comments ever with, “I’ll be behind you, you don’t have to worry about that!” as the crowd erupts in laughter.
At this point Vince starts up again, noting that she doesn’t want to be involved with a loser. Heenan blasts Vince, asking if he’s trying to turn Liberty against him, trying to turn her off to him. Vince: “I don’t think she’s turned on to you!” which draws raucous cheers from the crowd. At this point all we were missing was Martin Lawrence popping in and going, “Dammmmn Gina!”
Vince continues to blast Bobby for being such a cheapskate, noting that Heenan is using the bargain basement plan in their relationship. Bobby defends himself noting he’s not some K-Mart shopper, he takes her to nice restaurants that don’t even have drive thru windows! She looks at him, makes a quip about Woolworth’s (!!!!), and then Vince quickly cuts to a break.
After commercial, the show proceeds on its merry way…until the end when Bobby reappears and cuts a PROMO OF A LIFETIME about how was just trying to help that poor mutt in the red zoot suit, how he never wined her or dined her and the only thing he ever bought her was a flea collar. He ends his tirade with “There’s not enough penicillin in this world that could make me go out with her!”
And that was the start – and end – of Liberty Thomas. All of this begs the question…was there any long-term plan here? Was she going to come back to get revenge on Heenan? Or was this just some weird one-off gag someone thought would be funny? All I can say is this woman looked completely and utterly stoned the entire time and had the personality of a wet mop. The Brain deserved better! Hopefully he was able to return that flea collar – she didn’t deserve it!