I gotta admit, I’ve been pretty bummed out this week. My seemingly never-ending battle with step throat remains…uh…never-ending, and that, combined with Blade suffering yet another concussion (I think it’s time to buy that boy a helmet) have delayed WrestleCrap Radio #200 yet again. It really stinks, because I have been looking forward to doing that show for weeks, and every time we set a date, it gets pushed back. I feel like the show is cursed or something.
So yeah, I’m a downy clowny. But I think I have the perfect elixir for my woes: a wrestling invasion of a game show.
Seriously, are these ever NOT fun? Whether it’s WCW battling GLOW on Family Feud or Booker T on The Weakest Link (in which he told us that Thanksgiving was in October!!), it’s always a good time. So when one of my fellow crappers, Sean Bateman, dinged me on Facebook and gave me links to Miz and John Morrison on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader, I was all over it.
Sadly, I was disappointed by what I saw. I mean, both guys came off as likable and pretty smart. In fact, I can sum up the highlights of what I saw in exactly two still frames:
2) A child on the show wearing Morrison’s sunglasses and proclaiming himself to be the Shaman of Sexy.
He then picked 5th Grade Anatomy as his subject as Morrison looked on approvingly.
…and that was about it. What a letdown.
An undeniable, yet at the same time very bothersome, letdown.
But what’s this off to the side in the suggestions column?
Oh, now this could be fun.
But before I dive in, it’s time for the ever-present disclaimer when RD inducts anything to do with the Big Show. As a lot of you know, about 10 years ago when Show was doing a rehab stint in WWE’s old developmental territory, Ohio Valley Wrestling, a weird set of circumstances led me to managing Mark Henry (there for a similar reason) against Show at house show in a small Indiana town. I wound up in the ring with him, and he hit me with a chokeslam that I thought for sure had broken my hip and I never returned to the ring again. The botch was 100% my fault, due to having no earthly idea what I was doing and should have not been in the ring with him. If I ever run into the guy again, I will for sure apologize, and I have no doubt he will have zero idea what the hell I am talking about.
The point here is that I do not have some vendetta against the guy, just looking to see if we can have some good, wholesome, fun for the whole family whilst watching him attempt to outsmart school children.
Immediately, I notice something awry as Jeff Foxworthy has been replaced by some Australian bloke.
And before I can even say “Tie me kangaroo down, sport” something even more inexplicable happens:
The children start screaming at each other, causing one to break into tears.
What the hell am I watching?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
(Five.)
The children make up (as the sadistic adults in the crowd laugh), and are introduced to their “new classmate”, the Big Show who the hose describes as “the WWE’s biggest bad ass.”
Or he may have actually said “the WWE’s biggest fat ass.”
Don’t blame me – I didn’t give the Australians that accent.
And just in case you didn’t get that the Aussies are quite as prudish as the good ol’ US of A, the host makes a comment about Big Show’s “boobies.“
I should note Mrs. Deal heard this, looked at me, shook her head, and uttered “gross.”
Ah the fun we have at the Reynolds household.
The two verbally jab back and forth a bit, with Show displaying more personality than he has in the past five years.
Just going out on a limb and guessing the fantastic creative team didn’t write any of his dialogue here.
Get out of here, Steph.
You’re no Man Mountain Rock!
Onto to the game we go, as Show picks 3rd Grade Math to start us off.
The question: What is the numerator in the fraction 3/4?
Show puzzles a bit, working through the answer audibly by explaining to us that there is a numerator…and a DENOMINATOR…in a fraction.
The host, suitably impressed by this information, chimes in, “That’s a start!”
A bit more hemming and hawing…hey, wait a minute.
Why does no one on one of these shows ever just blurt out an answer? Why do they always take two minutes explaining possible answers?
If I didn’t know better, I’d think the folks on these reality/game shows were told what to do!
Anyway, Show guesses 4.
Correct answer is 3, of course.
If the kid doesn’t have the right answer, the game is over.
Well, look at that! The kid has the RIGHT answer and the game is not over 4 minutes in.
If I didn’t know better, I’d think these reality/game shows were rigged!
Next subject: 2nd Grade Literature.
Question: What are the two main colours (oh, I feel so continental spelling it that way) used in the hat of the ‘Cat in the Hat’?
This time, Show knows it: Red and Black!
Somewhere, Mike Myers weeps.
Thankfully, Show comes to his senses and cheats off the kid.
And the kid has it right naturally.
If I didn’t know better…eh, you know the rest.
As Show starts to doubt his intellectual wherewithal, he regresses to First Grade Nursery Rhymes.
In the nursery rhyme ‘Jack and Jill’, which part of his body did Jack break?
Show is stumped. He begins reciting it, and realizes he only knows the first sentence.
You have got to be kidding me.
Thankfully, Show realizes that it is, in fact, his crown.
“AHHHHHH!” he says, in the same manner one might if they had figured out cold fusion.
All I can say is this: if WWE really wants to cater to the under 10 crowd, they could do far worse than Nursery Rhyme Corner with the Big Show.
Third Grade Grammar!
What is the past tense of ‘fight’?
And without batting an eye, Show says “FOUGHT!”
Two in a row!
He follows that up by correctly identifying arachnids as spiders.
Three in a row!
Good job, Paul!
Fourth Grade Inventions: On what form of transport would you most likely see ailerons?
Show: “I thought this was supposed to be in English!”
Testify, bro. I’m right there in the boat of no idea with you.
Thankfully, Show has a “peek” left, so he gets to see Oliver’s answer: Planes!
And the host even steals my WrestleCrap Radio gimmick of screaming the word.
Have I mentioned how sad I am I didn’t do the program this week?
Oh, and yeah, that’s the right answer.
All on his own now, as his cheats are gone.
Fifth Grade General Knowledge!
Question: In what country did Lego originate?
Sadly, Show doesn’t know.
In a show of international love, the host gives the big guy a hug.
And yes, Show admits he is not smarter than a fifth grader.
Then he gives us a big WINK.
I have never felt more wrong for an induction than this one.
I mean, just look at him!
And hey, Show don’t feel bad about how you did.
Last week I took RD Jr. to school for his first week of kindergarten. After his first day, he came out and told me, “A rhombus is the shape of a diamond.” I scratched my head a bit, and whispered to Mrs. Deal, “Is that right?”
She confirmed it was.
So while Show may not be smarter than a 5th grader, he’s way smarter than me!