You know the only thing worse than having a horrible gimmick? Getting rid of that horrible gimmick, then being stuck with something just as bad.
It’s funny, because when I originally typed that sentence above, I wrote “with something even worse.” Yet when I think about the focal point of today’s induction, I must concede: as horrible as Alex Wright’s second gimmick was, it was, ever so minutely, better than his first.
Before we get into the horrors handed down to this poor sap from the WCW braintrust, a bit of backstory. Alex Wright was a German import, hitting WCW about 1994, looking to become a huge star like his father, Steve Wright. (That’s Steve Wright, not STEVEN Wright, though I can just imagine what a fine wrestler his son might have been.) And as he was a pretty good high flyer as well as being like 6′ 6″ and pretty well put together, it seemed as though superstardom was inevitable. Throw in the fact that he was cute as the dickens, and it seemed like Wright was a true “can’t miss” prospect.
And yet, like so many others who had the potential for greatness, he instead crashed & burned, not once, but twice.
So what went wrong? Let’s start with his late 90’s character and work our way backwards.
Instead of showcasing Wright’s better than average in-ring ability, the braintrust at WCW decided he should become Berlyn, Rivethead heel.
His teen idol good looks? Gone. In their place, a mohawk, sunglasses, and unquestionably the wimpiest goatee known to man.
While we can safely state this transformation was pretty much a disaster, we do so with a disclaimer: his little metal finger covers? Those things rocked.
Seriously, if they started selling those things at the Gap, I would so be there.
Achtung!
Ich habe meine scheussele verlosen!
What’s that? You don’t know German? Well, then you had no prayer of understanding what Berlyn was ranting about in his promos, as that was the ONLY language he would speak. See, because he was too good to talk in Yankee blabber.
For the record, though, we somehow doubt he was telling a nationwide audience that he had lost his keys (as we did above).
Berlyn would soon have a whole posse of fellow evil goosesteppers, including translator Ute Ludendorf and the Wall.
Hey, does anyone remember that time in WCW when Hulk Hogan was feuding with the Wall? And he was on the roof of a building about 3 miles away and Hogan somehow saw him and was screaming, “It’s the Wall, brother! It’s the Wall!”
Man I miss WCW sometimes.
But Alex wasn’t always an American hatin’ Neo Nazi. No, back in the day, he was “Das Wunderkind”.
Say that aloud, would you? “Das Wunderkind!”
Let me tell ya, if I were given that gimmick, I’d probably have wound up hating America too.
Because Alex Wright wasn’t just Das Wunderkind.
Alex Wright was the German Dancing Machine!
And what a dance it was. Seriously, take a look at that routine to your right. Now imagine that you would hear that music and see a guy dancing like that…and now imagine that he was supposed to be a BABYFACE!
Seriously, no joke! Heck, they even had videos of little kids swinging their arms and kicking their legs, no doubt believing themselves to be the second coming of Das Wunderkind.
I remember this one little potbelly, who was flailing about, looking so happy. No joke, as he huffed and puffed out Das Wunderdance, he had this look on his face like, “I am so going to get a girlfriend by doing this.”
Trust me, kid. That wouldn’t happen.
And it wasn’t that I didn’t try.
And it wasn’t that Dr. Keith didn’t try.
And it wasn’t that the Gimmick Table’s Sean Carless didn’t try.
And it wasn’t that Figure Four Weekly‘s Vince Verhei didn’t try.
(And I bet Bryan wishes – WISHES – he could cut such a rug. Dream on, pally!)
We all tried. We all thought that by doing Das Wunderkind dance, we were so gonna get some.
We all failed. No girls.
Just many, many odd looks.
But there was one man that claims to have used this dance routine to obtain that ultimate goal. He further goes on to state that all of us failed due to the fact that we didn’t go, and I quote, “Balls out.”
Apparently this means actually wearing the leather jacket, no shirt, and with nut hugger shorts, the latter being done “to show off that Alex Wright-sized package”, he claims.
And while I doubt seriously he did, he looks like such a fool, I can’t help but give him the stage to demonstrate.
But before I do, a word of warning: you may want to shield your eyes for this one.
Yes, ladies and germs, that’s your friend and mine, Mr. Blade Braxton.
And if a hobo like that can ride Das Wunderdance to Poontangland, maybe we should all give it one more go.
*Looks at those shorts again*
Nah, probably better not.
*Shudders*
If all that wasn’t horrifying enough, you can check out the unedited movie of RD’s full Wunder Dance by clicking rightchere!