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Ahh, Beach Blast 93. Probably my favorite bad angle ever. This thing was a complete trainwreck, and was part of what I consider to be the low point in WCW history. If you thought the recent spell with Kevin Sullivan holding the book was bad, you ain’t seen nothing.
Where to begin?
In 1993, WCW had just brought in Davey Boy Smith from the WWF. He was aligned with Sting to fight Sid Vicious and Big Van Vader. In order to hype the PPV in which the two teams would do battle, WCW filmed a delightful segment which I will attempt to outline below.
It takes a while to get through, and this page takes forever to load. But if you can survive the trip, it’s worth a laugh or two (or if you’re like me, about 7,000).
Harley Race (manager of Vader) and Col. Robert Parker (Sid’s manager) hold a press conference announcing their alliance as “The Masters of The Powerbomb.”
They tell Sting and Davey Boy to retire or face the consequences!
Sting and Davey Boy refuse an invitation to the press conference, opting instead to play volley ball with a bunch of kids (or as Col. Rob calls them, “snotty nosed kids”) on a beach.
This, of course, infuriates Parker and Race who comission a military war boat and look for Davey Boy and Sting.
Vader makes angry faces…
…and Sid makes angry faces and generally sounds constipated.
They eventually decide to have CHEATUM, THE EVIL MIDGET, swim to Sting’s boat. As a plus, they DRESS HIM UP AS A SHARK, complete with FIN. In a move almost as cheesy, WCW has a “Jaws” sounding theme in the background.
(Yes, of course it really happened. Look, I couldn’t make this shit up on a 5 shot Nyquil bender).
Cheatum scares some kids and then plants a BOMB on the boat.
In another priceless move, WCW has a “Snidely Whiplash/James Bond” sounding theme in the background.
Meanwhile, the heels show up on the beach where Davey Boy and Sting are playing volleyball.
They are both in their wrestling gear, except Sid is wearing FLIP FLOPS.
Sting and Davey Boy face off with Vader and Sid.
Cue some bad Western showdown music, along with some seagulls squawking.
Parker offers Sting and Davey two tickets to the retirement home of their choice.
(Oddly enough, today WCW is legally considered a retirement community.)
Sting and Davey Boy consider it…
…which makes the kids sad.
Of course, Sting and Davey decide to fight…
Parker warns the faces to enjoy their stay, since it will be a long one.
The heels laugh maniacally! What could it all mean?
The kids tell Sting that a funny little man was hanging around his boat. Sting goes over to investigate, thinking perhaps Harvey Whippleman is on the island sunbathing nude with Bertha Faye…
Sting doesn’t know, of course, that a fate (arguably) far worse than that is about to befall him – the boat is about to EXPLODE!
Davey finds out about it, and runs down the beach like Tony Atlas (ie, like he has a corncob stuck up his @$$).
Davey jumps out of the water 20 feet and knocks Sting off the boat!
THE BOAT EXPLODES!!
The kids look sad….
…then Davey and Sting resurface…
(Yes, we know that we used the same kids happy, kids sad pictures and sounds from above. I think WCW actually used the same footage twice in the segment.)
With their boat destroyed, Sting and Davey Boy had little hope of making it back to civilization. However, they ran into another group who had also lost their boat, and eventually, with the help of the Harlem Globetrotters, they made it back to the mainland.
