Barack Obama vs. Hillary Clinton

Lillian Garcia is here to introduce the combatants in this soon to be legendary encounter.

Hey, remember all the hubbaballo about how WWE was feeding Lillian incorrect lines to make her look like a buffoon following giving her notice to the company?

Well, here she screws up the word “first.”

I somehow doubt Vince was screaming stupid stuff in her ear six months prior to telling him she was leaving.

“Bill” and “Hillary” make their way to the ring to the classic strains of Hulk Hogan’sReal American theme. That couldn’t be a knock on the Hulkster, could it? Could it?

I should note that Bill is being played by the same impersonator that portrayed the 42nd President during Wrestlemania X and Summerslam ’95. Or was it ’96? I have no idea cause I wasn’t watching the WWF television then. And I don’t think I’m alone in that.

(Note from RD: I sometimes think I was literally the only biped on the planet watching wrestling back then.

Ironically, I sometimes feel the same now.)

As Bill enters the ring he fumbles in the ropes while Lawler laughs. In fact, Lawler laughs at EVERYTHING going on.

You know what stinks? Lawler used to be really cool. I mean, whether he was being the man in Memphis, tearing it up with Bret Hart in the WWF, or even his early days as a WWF announcer, he was the kind of guy who you just wanted to hang out with. You wanted to cheer that guy.

Now? Now he’s the commentary equivalent of the radio “hole” that just laughs at everything that’s said, even when it’s not funny and maybe not even meant to be.

From being the King of Memphis to Robin Quivers.

Lovely.

And because Hulk’s theme is playing, the pair have to do Hulk ear cups at all four sides of the ring for about 5 minutes while there is DEAD silence. Not a good sign. Speaking of not good signs…

Come on, get me creative than that.

I like the fact that this person made this sign, obstensibly thinking that there may be undecided voters who would be somehow skewed on who to cast their vote for by watching Monday Night Raw.

(Note from RD: “Don’t blame *me*. I voted for Kodos!”)

Alright, alright…I’ll admit that part was kind of funny.

Not pee your pants funny, but “I could see this making people who thoughtErnest Goes to Camp was kinda funny” funny.

Not a chance, my wishful thinking Public Enemy friend.

Boy would I love to see Hillary and Barack re-enacting New Jack and Vic Grimes at ECW’s Living Dangerously 2000.

Next we get “Barack Obama” coming out to The Rock’s theme (YA GET IT? HUH? HUH?). Don’t ya love how they try getting this stuff over by using past successful wrestlers’ characters and their entrance themes? He shakes hands with the fans at ringside like the good political flesh presser that he is and…

Oh good Lord…seriously, anything I write here about that image to the left is not going anywhere but something highly offensive.

Nor will I make a President LBJ reference to his treatment of his beagles.

But y just know Vince is in the back watching this and doing his babyface announcer Vince from 1989 laugh.

Since we got Barack/The Rock (*groan*), we get more of The Rock’s characteristics being imitated…badly, like announcing “BARACK HAS RETURNED TO….” and I swear, the crowd could not care less.

Now I’m not sure if it’s because the median age of the crowd is about 10 years old or didn’t watch the WWE when The Rock was a main player or cause this is all pointless and boring. I’m thinking a mix of all three.

We also get a People’s Eyebrow…caught from a bad camera angle…

…and Barack interrupting Bill with, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!”

Actually, I think every debate, Presidential or otherwise, would have that line in it.

Just once, mind you – like a trump card you could play one time to shut your foe up.

And of course, “IF YA SMEEEEEEEEEEELLL….” I’m telling you, the crowd is dead.

You know, I was never a big fan of “The Rock” but boy this makes me miss him mightily to see someone else do all his crappy catch-phrases only performed poorly with zero charisma.

(Note from RD: Whoa whoa whoa…never a big fan of the Rock? Seriously? What is wrong with you?!!)

Oh great, now we get to have “the match”. The referee wants to check Hillary for foreign objects, like her two-sided baseball cap with the Yankees logo on one side and Chicago Cubs logo on the other. Bill tells the ref that no man’s touched Hillary in “so many years it’s not funny”.

I think he stole that line from Angry Jim Ross!

She also gives Barack a Hulkster legdrop which I will admit, she does better than the real Hulk these days.

And like Yokozuna, Barack kicks out of that deadly Legdrop of DOOOOM (copyright Scott Keith).

Barack then sets her up for The People’s Elbow but Bill has watched plenty of Bobby Heenan and Jim Cornette tapes to know to grab Barack’s foot when he hits the ropes so he’ll trip and fall right on his ears, I mean face. And being a good heel, Bill completely denies any involvement.

Come to think of it, Bill’s been the best heel manager in WWE in quite awhile. Get him to be a mouthpiece for the guys that can’t talk and maybe I’d start watching the shows again!

The ref then veeeerrryyy sloooowwwlllyyyy starts counting them both out to a chorus of boos.

Where’s 911 when you need him?

Eh, not quite as good, but we’ll take him.

Especially since the sound guy had his music cued up and all.

Of course Barack became President, appointed Hillary to be his Secretary of State and Bill Clinton is still a fun-loving Ex-President. Me?*I* voted for Turd Sandwich! Mostly because P. Diddy showed up at my door and told me to Vote or Die…literally.