There’s a nip in the air, snow is falling outside my window here at WrestleCrap HQ, and Burl Ives is crooning in the background as my fingers peck away at the keyboard.
It’s Christmas time again!
Yes yes, my favorite time of the year. It’s the time of year when not only do we look forward to diving in under that big ol’ tree to see what’s waiting for us Christmas morn, but a time when we have fun getting together with friends and family.
And family is what our induction today is all about. Not my family, not Blade’s family, not Triple Kelly’s family. No, this man’s family:
What? You don’t recognize this man? That right there is “Dr. D”, David Schultz.
And after watching the video that I am covering in today’s induction, he may be my favorite wrestler of all time.
A lot of people have asked over the years if I would ever consider starting a sister site to WrestleCrap that covered all the BEST in wrestling. My answer is always “Uh, no” (and is generally followed up with “what a stupid idea”, but I’m usually nice enough just to think it and not say it). I will say this, however: should I ever start up WrestleGreat.com, the very first induction would be the one we are looking at today, as we get a rare glimpse of the home life of “Dr. D”, David Schultz.
A bit of background on the good doctor. He was a wrestler who plied his trade everywhere from Memphis to the Maritimes in the late 70’s. In the early 1980’s, he headed to New York in an attempt to make it really big.
During his stay, we got this video.
This great, GREAT video.
Following an introduction by “Mean Gene” Okerlund (in which he said we’d be heading to “suburban or rural Nashville”, which apparently means that the two aren’t mutually exclusive in that city), we are introduced to the first member of Dr. D’s family…
A COW!
That’s right, a cow.
Seriously, take a listen to this audio clip from Mean Gene, and please to remember I didn’t edit it. This is the legitimate, honest-to-goodness transition.
No wonder the guy’s pissed off all the time.
I’d be angry too if someone said, “Let’s meet RD’s family” and the first thing they showed was a bovine.
Next we get a shot of the outside of the good doctor’s house, which may or may not have been the exact same shanty Hillbilly Jim lived in during his WWF skits.
I can only theorize that after Schultz got the boot for either slapping John Stossel or threatening Mr. T, he needed the cash and sold his shack, and Jim, Uncle Elmer, and Cousin Luke/Junior/Moonpie loaded it on a flatbed and hauled it up to Mudlick, KY.
If Vince ever missed an opportunity for a killer vignette, one in which Hillbilly Jim negotiates to buy David Schultz’s house is it.
Ah, here’s Dr. D to greet us on the front porch, wearing nothing but a red tank top and some shorts so small I thought for a second he was just wearing tighty whiteys.
Inside we go, and we meet Schultz’s loving family. While we didn’t get his children’s names, we do learn from this visit that his wife’s name was apparently “woman”, “girl”, or “goof.”
What kind of parents name their daughter “goof”?
Anyway, Doc was happy to have his visitors this day, as he felt that people probably had the wrong idea about him from “watching him on the TV.”
See, he was just an average guy like everybody else, had the same problems as everyone else…waitaminute!
Would you kids SHUT UP?!
What’s wrong with those kids, anyway?!
Ah well, who cares as long as dinner’s ready?
What’s that woman? You ain’t got dinner ready?
See, he’s just like you and me!
No different, except that he’s a wrestler.
But away from the ring, he’s not going to come home and holler and melee his family.
Not that he wouldn’t like to sometimes!
Oh, and this house, this palatial estate?
He built it all himself.
WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
Oh, and he rode the Concorde and signed up to go on the Space Shuttle.
Who’s the moron that rejected THAT application?
Sadly, before we can hear of the further worldly (and potentially OUTERWOLDLY) adventures of Dr. D, the Missus is back in to tell us that supper is ready.
About time, woman!
Sadly, near tragedy happens as Dr. D comes into the kitchen and runs smackdab into his fancy CHANDELLIER!
Apparently GIRL had moved the table and not told Doc.
What is WRONG with that woman?
Does she have any idea what those cost?!
And dirty dishes in the sink?
And this…THIS is dinner?
Did she think she married a FOOL?
And you, kid…don’t you laugh at me boy!
Ok, by this point, I can honestly say that Dr. D David Schultz is not really an average guy like you or me.
Well, at least not me.
If you’re a redneck who berates your wife and kids over the most minor of things, then he’s exactly like you.
But not me.
And I can say that with 100% accuracy, because I know I’ve never thrown bread at my wife and kids.
I will say, though, that I am going to try to yell at someone to “Eat it, eat it now!” at least once a day for the remainder of my life.
Doc finally gets so annoyed with his wife that he tells her to get out of the kitchen.
He’s probably right.
All this yelling has the poor guy’s throat mighty dry, so he asks his kid for his glass of tea, a glass of tea that cannot contain more than .00000001 millilitres of beverage.
Sadly, his son is so clumsy that he spills the drink all over the table.
You can just imagine Dr. D’s reaction to that!
In fact, everyone just needs to get out of here!
And that was the end of our visit with the Schultzs. Sadly, as Dr. D was fired from the WWF in late 1984, we never got a Schultz Family Reunion.
Too bad – if WWE aired that instead of Raw each Monday night, I guarantee they’d be popping 17.5’s on a weekly basis!
A quick note from RD: I had a lot of fun writing this induction, most of which was watching this video play over and over. The thought that “Dr. D” was just like you or me, while being a completely insane redneck who verbally abuses his wife and kids was so over the top you couldn’t help but laugh. In fact, if you watch the video closely (and you can probably find it on YouTube), you can see his wife and kids trying to supress their own laughter at just how ridiculous it all is.
Is it Crap? Not really, but it was so wacky and goofy that both Blade and myself have been wanting to induct it for at least two years.
One last note: I hope no one thinks that we are mocking spousal or child abuse in this induction. Obviously, especially in light of the Benoit tragedy, that’s something that’s no laughing matter. Having said that, again, this portrayal was so over the top that we felt it was ok to post it, and we hope you feel the same.
Keep on Crappin’, kids – oh, and have a great Christmas!