It was New Year’s Eve, and WWE’s power couple, Dolph Ziggler and AJ Lee, had promised an in-ring celebration to ring in 2013. Of course, there was no way that this segment would go off without a hitch, especially with the two hosts wearing this:
This should have set off alarms for everyone watching. After all, when was the last time someone wore a white suit in wrestling that didn’t get ruined? However, there would be no mishaps involving mere cake or punch on this night.
What we got instead was, quite literally, well… look at the name of this site. And don’t blame us if we’ve used that joke a dozen times already; blame WWE for constantly working scatological humor into their angles, whether it be hog-pen matches, dog-poop matches, Triple H’s un-housebroken bulldog, tainted burritos, sewage trucks, or cameras that sleep in baby carriages and soil their diapers.
In other words, it’s pretty much a given that every time Vince craps out a poop-based angle, we’ll be here to rub his nose in it.
This particular segment came soon after AJ Lee’s heel turn, when she pushed over John Cena’s ladder, cost him Dolph’s Money in the Bank contract, hooked up with Ziggler, and enlisted Big E Langston as an enforcer. Now, let there be no mistake about AJ’s relationship with Langston; while the Diva may have smooched a lot of guys in 2012, Big E wasn’t one of them. He was more like a big sister to AJ, someone who would protect her and whom she could look up to (what with his big, full breasts and all).
Still, big sis or not, Langston had to stand guard outside the ring while Dolph and AJ made their toasts and uncorked their champagne.
One thing you might have missed was that AJ didn’t actually drink her glass of champagne. This was either because she was too young to drink grown-up drinks, or she had already started to GTS with CM Punk.
Instead, Dolph clinked both glasses together and helped himself, perhaps channeling Troy McClure.
Dolph and AJ proceeded to run down John Cena for his many failures in 2012, including a loss to John Laurinaitis (who, besides CM Punk, was the only member of the roster to compete in two 5-star matches).
John Cena’s music then hit. At this point, it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to assume that Cena was going to crash the party and spray down Dolph and AJ with hose-fulls of champagne to match the “New Years’ Eve toast” theme of the night. That sort of thing had been done to death by Steve Austin and Kurt Angle, though, and John Cena’s humor was nothing if not cutting edge.
That’s how we got this picture of AJ, Dolph, and Big E in drag:
The joke fell flatter than a pre-surgery Nikki Bella (or a Nikki Bella dropkick).
Then, he showed a composite of what AJ and Dolph’s baby would look like. Would the comedy ever stop? Or start, for that matter?
This wasn’t even the first imbecilic baby joke of the night, as Mae Young had given birth to Hornswoggle just minutes before.
Next, Cena claimed that AJ had given birth to a whole litter of babies in the past. Because she’s promiscuous, you see. He then trotted out a Photoshop somehow even less creative than the previous two for some further yuks.
Notice that the British Bulldogs’ pet Matilda was one of AJ’s supposed lovers. The stuff they let slip under the TV-PG radar… (At least they didn’t put Katie Vick’s head on any of those babies)
Even a mini-Eve was represented here, which, while biologically impossible, hinted at a fling between the then-Divas champion and AJ. I demand to know more.
It’s odd that Cena would pick Eve, with whom he himself had had an infamous on-air make-out session, but I guess it was between either her or the porno actress he allegedly slept with, costing him his marriage.
But it was worth it to see John Cena stick it to AJ for getting around!
Hypocrisy aside, why does WWE think that pasting someone’s head onto another person’s body is so doggone gut-bustingly funny? And who is actually amused by any kind of over-used photo gag?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
Just in case all these gags were too high-brow for the audience, John said he would top off the ceremony with that one thing that Dolph and AJ were full of. No, it wasn’t “hot air.” It was…
Melted ice cream!
No, excuse me. It was fecal matter! At least I think so, although the announcers never identified the mystery substance.
This was a pretty big overreaction by Cena, don’t you think? The heels cost him a match and insulted him, so he dropped crap on them? How has every other heel who got on John Cena’s bad side managed to avoid this fate?
And it’s not like there were any hints dropped along the way that the night might end in a poop shower; there were no ironic comments made leading up to a poetic justice of stool. Would it have been so hard for AJ and Dolph to call Cena’s 2012, “crappy”? Or to promise that there would be no party-poopers at their New Years’ toast? Or to claim that John’s career was going down the toilet? Frankly, the build-up for the big scat drop stunk. (If it had been JBL doing the toast, at least the “poopy” part would have made sense)
Give Cena credit, though. He had access to a giant trough of solid waste secretly suspended above the ring, but he had patience enough to wait until the end of a three-hour Raw to pull the trigger (not that there are actual guns that fire poop, so excuse the metaphor), even letting the heels cut a ten-minute long promo on him. Now that’s discipline! If I had the same power of crap, I wouldn’t have lasted five minutes into the program without using it.
This being the PG era, WWE would never say what exactly it was that dropped on AJ and Dolph, other than a “smelly mess.” So it could have been ice cream after all. Expired ice cream, at least.
This lack of commitment to the feces was the least of the problems with this dropping of droppings, though. At least the previous load of excrement dumped on Dolph Ziggler had texture to it, even if WWE slightly overdid it with the corn. Whoever or whatever made the mess this time must have had a diet very low in fiber. Clearly, this being the last show of the year, WWE had already used up their special effects budget.
Maybe the most frustrating part of this whole segment was that no one bothered to explain where this feces — excuse me, smelly mess — came from. Superstars from years past have offered up their guesses as to the dung’s origin, but still, no one knows what animal produced this load, nor how Cena got ahold of it.
The source of the waste may have remained a mystery, but one thing was for sure: this latest poop stunt was complete and utter…
…garbage.
What did you think I was going to call it?