If there was one thing I was disappointed with in the WrestleCrap book, it was the fact that although I spent an entire chapter covering Hulk Hogan’s movie career, I had to cut short pretty much anything past Thunder in Paradise. After all, the book was called “WrestleCrap”, not “HoganMovieCrap” (although, come to think of it, that’s a pretty catchy title too). Therefore, I didn’t get to some of Hogan’s really atrocious stuff.
Stuff like 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain.
This movie was actually made in the late 1990’s, following Hogan’s turn to the darkside. In the movie, however, he plays a good guy who befriends three mischievous little tikes…
Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum, the 3 Ninjas!
The boys learn the ancient Ninja arts by travelling through a factory so bizarre it makes Pee Wee’s Playhouse look sane by comparison.
The boys tackle all kinds of karate robots…
…which have been designed to attack them by their loving Grandpappy. He tells the boys that together, they can accomplish great things.
Wow, he’s like a living, breathing fortune cookie. Neat.
As the boys return home from Mr. B-agi’s house of mystical torture, they meet up with their new neighbor, Amanda. She makes a great first impression by slamming her remote control helicopter through the boys’ bedroom window.
Instead of having her arrested (or at least calling the insurance company), 3 Ninja Mom invites her to go to Mega Mountain, the local theme park, with the boys for Tum Tum’s birthday.
Tum Tum wants to go to the park because karate warrior Dave Dragon (Hogan) will be there along with a bunch of Power Ranger rejects known as the Star Force 5. Sadly, this will be their last performance, as Hogan’s show is being cancelled.
This makes Tum Tum very sad, proving that he’s a very stupid little kid. The older brothers don’t want even want to go to the show, since Hogan is a doofus and all. Besides, they want to give up the whole ninja thing and start getting laid.
Seriously – that’s a plot point.
Ok, maybe they didn’t say “get laid”, but they make it clear that they want to start paying attention to chicks and quit hanging out with their creepy grandfather.
Hey, who can blame them?
So the Ninja kids who want some poontang and the nerdy girl who is so unattractive they don’t want it from her head out to the park to enjoy a day of standing in line and barfing up overpriced hot dogs.
All seems well, but little does our band of rugrats know that the park is about to be taken over by someone wrinklier and with saggier boobies than the Hulkster himself…
…Loni Anderson!
Aunt Loni plans to over run the park and hold it hostage. She dresses up as a nun, and pulls a gun on park security as her hemp smoking hacker friend looks on.
Meanwhile, Hogan does his best to entertain the 40 or so kids at his show with karate moves like the press slam.
Backstage, Hogan removes his toupee.
Did you know that WCW actually ran an angle about the wig Hogan wore in this very movie? Seriously, for about a month he wore the wig and acted like that was his real hair. His opponents would then steal the wig which made Hulk mad. Now that’s an angle.
Anyway…Hogan gives his FINAL performance and is headed off to retirement.
But just like in wrestling, we can’t be that lucky.
Instead, Hogan’s locker room is invaded by Loni’s evil henchmen, led by none other than…
…Jim Varney!
Because when you think EVIL, you think ERNEST.
Ernest Pulls a Gun (now that would have made for a great film) and downs the Hulkster with a tranquilliser dart. Just then, the 3 Ninjas come in and catch the villains in the act.
They proceed to kick ass and take names using their ancient Ninja skills.
Unfortunately, they are unable to save Hogan, and he is taken back to Loni to be tortured, likely by making him watch this film.
In the meantime, Loni has taken over the park, and has started making the rides go 40% faster than they are supposed to run in an attempt to ransom $10 million from the park’s owner.
Hogan is thrown in with some other hostages, including a kid who calls the Hulkster a lamewad.
Hogan proves he is anything but by hiding in a bunny rabbit outfit, which he no doubt got from Evad Sullivan or Diamond Dallas Page.
Although Hogan puts up a valiant fight, he’s eventually captured once again.
For being the hero of the film, he’s awfully inept.
Despite Ernest’s best efforts, the villains are unable to capture the Ninja kids. Loni advises Ernest to have her three nephews, Larry, Dumbass and Dumbass, take them out.
And what a fearsome trio this crew is. The big fat guy has the ability to scream so loudly…
…that children wet their pants in fear.
Hmmm…in No Holds Barred, a villain pooped his pants, and now this. What is it with Hogan movies and loss of bladder control?
Despite soiled trousers, Tum Tum is able to thwart the plans of Emo Phillips by throwing darts in his mouth.
And you know the rest of the movie – we’ve all seen it before.
Nerdy girl hacks into computer system to shut down rides…
…Ninja fights Jim Varney on top of a loop de loop roller coaster…
…and Hulk Hogan fires a missile out to sea…
…which destroys an oil tanker.
Talk about cliched!
Since Hogan saved the day, that can mean only one thing: those words we wrestling fans always hate to hear.
And thus ends another horrible film from the endless pile of celluloid scheisse that is Hulk Hogan’s movie career. As is standard protocol, I urge you to head over to Internet Movie Database and give this piece of crap a vote of “1” in an attempt to monkey with their rating system and to give Hogan yet another of the lowest rated films of all time. Let’s see how many of these stinkbombs we can actually get on the bottom 100 at once.
It’s the least you guys and gals can do for making me watch this movie twice.
Whiny little kid: “Why don’t you do something? Or are you just a phony like my dad says?”
Punk kid: “Bummer, man, you peed your pants!”
Catherine White: “Dave, our sources telll us that in lieu (I think she means LIGHT) of the day’s events, the network is thinking of signing you to a new long term contract. Can you comment on that?”
Hogan: “I’m always happy to oblige my fans.”
RD: “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”