I was saddened to hear of the passing of Sika this past week. While everyone knows him today as the father of Roman Reigns, I will always remember his own run as a mainstay on the wrestling scene when I was just getting into the sport/business/hobby/whatevertheheckthisis. (Seriously – what do y’all call this thing we’re all fans of?)
Now whether it was teaming with Afa or threatening to eat a live chicken on television, you never quite knew what you were in for when Sika showed up – he was truly a larger than life character, with wild hair, crazy eyes, and a truly menacing demeanor. So it would make sense that he would be one of the very first characters Vince McMahon wanted to feature on his brand new show, Tuesday Night Titans.
Oh man, how to even attempt to explain TNT to folks who didn’t experience it. I guess the best way to describe it is a variety show starring professional wrestlers. But since no one under the age of 93 would know have a clue what a “variety show” is, that’s probably not the best description either. I guess, then, picture this: Vince McMahon interviewing his wrestlers and telling them to be as absolutely in character as they could possibly be. Also, be prepared to do completely idiotic things and smile as you’re doing it.
Like imagine you are Ivan Putski, proud man of Poland, and your boss tells you, “We need you to dance around a tree for something we are calling the Sausage Festival.” So you’re Ivan and you come to a stark realization – I either do it and get paid or I don’t and I find new employment. And the poor guy has all this going through his head as this man was looking at him with this face.
On this premiere night in the TNT studios, Vince is joined by THIS MAN….Lord Alfred if you please. I mean Lord Alfred Hayes. Hey, old habits die hard. Anyway, something is very stinky, so much so that his Lordship is holding his nose in disgust.
And Vince McMahon is making this face, which is, I guess, also in disgust. That or he’s doing everything he possibly can to keep from sneezing which everyone knows makes you look like a total weakling. Or maybe he’s just constipated. Not sure. Not asking.
Alfred explains that this is “the nastiest, pungent odor I’ve ever smelled…it’s something like being struck by the bubonic plague!” Even Vince is like dude, you’re being overdramatic, so he goes to investigate just what might be causing such a rancid smell.
And wouldn’t you know it – it’s Afa and Sika fixing dinner! What a let down. I mean seriously, after all the discussion of how horrific the smell was, I expected them to be chopping up a live ostrich or something with blood splattered all over the place. Instead, it looks like a pretty nice set up – pots, pans, and seasoning bowls. I spy with my little eye a bottle of Goya hot sauce!
Vince asks what pray tell they are cooking and Afa reaches to the ground and pulls up a giant fish, causing Vince to jump in the air as if someone had thrown a bomb at him. Afa ignores him and decides to tenderize the fish with what looks like a rather nice massage. I should note this all takes place as it appears an airplane flies over their heads. Guessing that was just a boom mic but suffice to say they did not have the production kinks worked out on this show yet. Oh, and if you’re asking where Lord Alfred is…
…yeah, he’s still sitting on the couch holding his nose.
Afa then pulls out a giant knife and begins, and I am just quoting Vince here, “dissecting the fish.” I’m no chef, but I’m pretty sure that’s called filleting the fish. Regardless, they lop the thing’s head off and throw it in the pot as Vince looks on in utter disgust. For his part, he continually tries to interview Afa, but since he’s a Samoan in the mid 80’s WWF, he speaks in nothing but unintelligible gibberish.
Finally Vince more or less demands Alfred come over to try the fish, which of course his Lordship reluctantly does. Because, well…
…yeah, reasons. Anyway, that was seven minutes of my life I’ll never get back, but at least it’s over as we go to commercial. No idea what’s next, but it has to be better than that.
Wait, what? Are you freaking serious?
Yes, kids, we’re not even CLOSE to being done. We come out of commercial and it’s minute after minute of the same schtick – the Samoans grunting and babbling, Vince making Julia Childs (!!!) references, and Lord Alfred looking on in abject horror.
And I should point out the dumbest part of all this is that again, these Samoans aren’t cooking over an open flame or makeshift pot or throwing dirty socks in the soup. They appear to simply be cooking a fish and seasoning it not unlike an actual chef would actually do.
I mean, if you look closely, you’ll see a can of OLD BAY on the table!
And it just goes on and on and on for well over ten straight minutes. And it NEVER EVER CHANGES. It’s Vince asking stupid questions, the guys babbling something incoherently, and Alfred making fart smell faces. I mean to tell you, by the time I saw this appear…
…I was ready to start dancing a jig. And I say that with full understanding that a Lou Albano interview is my kryptonite. But hey, good for me as we hit a commercial break and when we come back…
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Look, we get what you’re telling us Vince – they’re foreigners so they are savages! AND they cook differently than we do here in ‘merica! Plus they wear weird outfits!
That’s funny! HA HA HA!
Yep, this all happened. It happened to kick off a brand new television show for the World Wrestling Federation. And now, forty years later, the son of the guy who cooked fish heads while Vince yukked it up is the biggest star in the business and what appeared to be a two-bit carny company is now a billion dollar empire. Life sure is weird, ain’t it?