100% Lucha, The Movie is a movie based on 100% Lucha. Complicated, I know.
The lyrics to the theme song are also complicated, but I think I’ve got them down:
100% lucha
100% lucha
100% lucha
100% lucha
100% lucha
100% lucha
100% lucha
Long-time WrestleCrap readers might remember me inducting 100% Lucha, la película in Spanish a few years ago for April Fool’s Day, complete with a temporary re-brand of the site as LuchaMierda.
But I can assure you, those memories are totally false. If I’d really inducted this movie before, it would already be on the site, wouldn’t it? So instead, read all about 100% Lucha, la película for the very first time ever, and in English!
For the curious, 100% Lucha was a show that marked another chapter in the often ridiculous world of Argentine wrestling. There, wrestling isn’t considered sacred like it is in Mexico and lacks any illusion of legitimacy it has in the United States. Shows like Titanes en el Ring featured characters like The Mummy and David the Shepherd that have to be seen to be believed.
Given that Mexican legends El Santo and Blue Demon got to be in movies, it was no surprise that an Argentine wrestling promotion produced its own blatantly fictional film with its wrestlers playing themselves. And, while I don’t pretend to be a 100% Lucha expert and certainly don’t know the answer, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume the events of this film are canon.
The film opens with a villain calling to get a pizza delivered to his evil hideout. And who’s delivering it?
Delivery Boy, a wrestler from 100% Lucha. Laugh all you want, but, at least in the US, pizza delivery driver is one of the most dangerous jobs. It makes me wonder if, had Sgt. Slaughter pretended to be a pizza maker instead of a soldier, it would still be considered stolen valor.
Speaking of soldiers fighting, Lieutenant Murphy, a tough guy from Utah, USA, comes to the ring. But I have doubts about his nationality. Not only does he speak English with an unconvincing accent…
…but he also measures his weight in kilograms and his height in meters. And no Yankee knows how to use a comma as a decimal point.
Lieutenant Murphy has his problems in the ring. For starters, he falls through a table completely by himself, with no opponent in sight. His opponent, for the record, is another American. If you didn’t know about the rich and long history of Americans in Argentine wrestling, you obviously didn’t read my induction of Rambo y sus titanes.
Murphy defeats the other wrestler with moves from such other decorated military men as Randy Orton…
…and John Cena.
Meanwhile, the villain reveals his secret weapon, a cybernetic dіldo.
Or, as he puts it, a machine that turns anyone into an invincible fighter. Well, are we sure it’s not a dіldo? The villain says he’s going to test it against a kidnapped 100% Lucha wrestler, so I hope to God I’m wrong.
Well, at first glance, this device is worn on the arm and gives its wearer superhuman strength. That spells bad news for Delivery Boy, his first victim.
No-showing his 100% Lucha match, the announcer declares him dead… or disqualified. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.
There’s only one kid who knows where Delivery Boy might be, but the security guard kicks him out.
At the villain’s mansion, his henchman Aquiles wears the cybernetic arm (and cheap armor) and follows the important instructions his boss gives him through a hidden transmitter. (Those instructions? More or less, Beat the sh*t out of him.)
Although Delivery Boy dominates the underling with technical ability…
…the heel changes the momentum of the fight by hitting him in the balls…
…and wins by knockout after a punch to the head.
The villain, his daughter, and his subordinate celebrate with the money they won from their guests’ bets. Their plan is to do away with traditional professional wrestling and use the sport solely for gambling purposes.
The villains drag their kidnapped victim into their truck…
…and Martín sees it, but his father can’t believe such a thing. After all, this is Argentina!
Martín explores the hideout with his school friends, who doubt his story about Delivery Boy.
He finds a note about the new secret location of his private, illicit wrestling matches…
…and searches for it on the internet.
The kids aren’t the only ones looking for Delivery Boy; his own sister tries to enlist the help of her partner, a handsome blond man who looks like a romance novel model. But this Fabio Vega doesn’t listen.
It’s a mistake. Soon, other wrestlers are captured by the villain…
…like this Italian who executes the most casual suplex in history during the attempt.
He escapes from all the men until he tries to leave in a fancy car. But in the driver’s seat is Aquiles, dressed as a woman, who blows him…
…some sleeping powder.
At the arena, this Fabrizzio Delmónico doesn’t show up for his match. Why do they never check to make sure the wrestlers are even in the building before match time?
Even with two wrestlers missing, Vicente Vilona denies anything suspicious at 100% Lucha…
…but what he can’t deny is the sexual tension between him and Carla, Delivery Boy’s sister.
They are interrupted by Martín, who tells them where the missing wrestler is.
In his match with Fabrizzio, Aquiles encounters problems when he wets himself…
…which causes the machine to stop working. The villain blames his wrestler, but he chose this location himself.
The rookie wrestler uses his favorite technique (a kick to the testicles) to temporarily gain the advantage…
…but Fabrizzio keeps fighting with suplexes and a gorilla press slam.
Now, the guests all bet on the Italian…
…but the cybernetic arm suddenly starts working again (despite being soaked), and the underling wins with a punch to the face.
The villains celebrate in their convertible with champagne, including the driver.
Vicente and Carla arrive after everyone has left, but find another slip of paper…
…and present it to the announcers. It’s a good thing criminals print their plans on paper!
Vicente suspects there’s a traitor in 100% Lucha, and that it’s the opponent of the two missing wrestlers, La Masa…
This starts a fight between the técnicos and the rudos…
…which the announcer breaks up before giving them a lesson in professionalism. Violence? In wrestling?
The rudos and the técnicos are suspended…
…according to this newspaper with a typo in its other headline.
The villain’s daughter tries to hire La Masa for an illegal fight, saying Fabrizzio and Delivery Boy have already accepted her offer.
But the honest heel refuses to break the law and has to fight a legion of ninjas, whom the virile luchador defeats with his crotch…
…and, of course, his balls.
Vicente hears the lies about Fabrizzio and Delivery Boy and delivers the news to Carla. She, uh…
…doesn’t accept it.
The bad news continues: 100% Lucha hasn’t sold many tickets for its next event…
…and the villains capture La Masa under the pretext of a date with the woman.
They install a microchip in his mask to monitor him.
Disguised, the heroes infiltrate the underground wrestling venue…
…where almost everyone is betting on the idiot dressed as a medieval knight.
This time, however, the villain with the mutton chops orders him to lose. I repeat – he orders his wrestler to lose on purpose.
Outside the building, the ninjas capture the heroes.
The main villain, watching TV like a WWE star, hears that 100% Lucha is having its next event at Parque de la Costa and formulates another diabolical plan.
Among the wrestlers on the card is Tito Moran, an unimpressive fatso who at first glance seems to have the worst body in all of Lucha Libre…
…and who takes off his shirt to confirm it. He loses his match, but 100% Lucha‘s roster is so shallow these days that he wrestles again.
Having learned nothing from the past few weeks, the morons at 100% Lucha announce a match with Vicente Vilona, even though no one had seen him that day. Obviously, he doesn’t show up, but instead the villain with the cigar shows up…
…stealing the belt and taking control of the show.
He sets up a super-hot cage around the ring…
…and presents a tag team match between his own wrestlers and the pairing of Vicente Viloni and La Masa. Of course, it includes more shots to the scrotum.
And why can’t the rest of the wrestlers intervene? Because Tіts Moran, the traitor, has locked them up.
He accepts their bribe in US dollars…
…and offers only a corte de manga to his colleagues.
Martín and his friends free the wrestlers, who walk in slow motion toward the ring. So, is it urgent or not?
“Hey, the good guys and the bad guys together!” says Martín, his faith in kayfabe forever destroyed.
Vicente removes La Masa’s microchip (How did he know about that?) and, in the equivalent of a hot tag, the two destroy their opponents.
The técnicos and the rudos eliminate the ninjas…
…and, unfortunately, the natural juice stand.
Martín frees Delivery Boy, Fabrizzio, and Carla…
…who punches the villainess in the face and sends her tumbling into the popcorn machine.
And what about Tito Moran, the traitor?
The wrestlers beat him so bad, his gear ends up backwards.
The villain tries to walk away with the championship and his money…
…but he’s confronted by a true Argentine so famous, I don’t need to name him (which works out nicely, as i have no idea who he is).
(In fact, it’s Julio César, an Argentine wrestler who has lived an incredible life)
Anyway, he defeats him with a single blow.
Viloni destroys the cybernetic arm…
…and the other wrestlers knock over the cage (the 400°F one) with their bare hands. But don’t worry—they just unplugged it two seconds ago.
Vicente and Carla finally kiss…
…and the wrestlers watch fireworks in celebration, so excited that they forget to face the hard cam.