Las Vegas, NV – Early Monday morning, WWE legend John Cena announced a new endeavor named “Make-A-Nightmare”.
Following his big win against Cody Rhodes at Wrestlemania last night, Cena is turning his attention to his new pet project. Playing off of his opponent’s “American Nightmare” nickname, John Cena will be leaning into his new persona, acting like a jerk and causing problems.
Much like his Guinness Record for most wishes granted for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Cena will be making personal appearances. The difference, though, is that the bitter Superstar will be granting “nightmares” where the future Hall of Famer will, in his words, “give these people what they really deserve”.
“All of you are hypocrites,” fumed Cena. “I am your champion and you are my new hobby. My farewell tour is now done out of spite. I am coming to your hometown and will give you a wedgie or pull your pigtails. I will put sugar in your gas tank. I will take a really long time in front of you at the bank. I will make you endure sitting through that super annoying Travis Scott intro they wouldn’t stop playing at Wrestlemania again and again and again. And there’s nothing you can do about it!”
So far, John Cena plans to dig up people’s gardens, leave the milk out on the counter overnight to spoil, and forcing people to buy copies of The Reunion. In a particularly cruel move, the former champion is also going to make former fiancé Nikki Bella re-watch his in-ring marriage proposal.