Headlies: Zombies Give The Miz 1-Star On Yelp

6 Submitted by on Mon, 24 May 2021, 08:00

Tampa, FL- The zombie lumberjacks that ate WWE Superstar The Miz at Backlash last week have given the wrestler a less-than-awesome review.

Disappointed ghouls flooded the business-reviewing website Yelp.com with 1-star reviews following the devouring of the former WWE champion. Many complained of poor taste, bad service, and unpleasant ambiance.

“Too much hair gel,” groaned one review.

“Terrible service. Struggled way too much. Would not eat again. I would give zero stars if I could,” moaned another.

“You call that a Slammy Award winner? Yuck. Next time, we’ll just order in some John Morrison,” gurgled a third.

WWE addressed the onslaught of bad reviews on a Monday morning phone call.

“We try to give the WWE Universe the best experience possible and unfortunately we fell short,” said Triple H. “This company is all about taking risks. Sometimes you hit it out of the park and sometimes you don’t. We are using this as a teachable moment. The next time the walking dead are involved in a WWE match, we promise to slather the wrestlers in some sort of sauce or aioli.”

“I am now on a strict regimen of vitamins, supplements, and honey mustard,” said The Miz’s opponent, Damien Priest. “I want to ensure that the living dead enjoy consuming my flesh. It’s important to be a good host so that every is happy and full.”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
6 Responses to "Headlies: Zombies Give The Miz 1-Star On Yelp"
  1. John C says:

    They are an army of the dead, perhaps they just can’t swallow a marine.

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    It’s a definite Gooker contender…

  3. M says:

    Is it ok to admit that the zombie match is the first thing that actually feels like a Gooker nominee compared to the other stuff (anything involving Bray/Orton/Alexa, the Exploding Sparklers Match finish and Cody Rhodes ends racism in one promo)

  4. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Shane v Strowman felt Gooker worthy mainly due to an unnecessary and unwanted amount of Shane McMahon and Strowman not ending the feud by saying the person behind RAW Underground has no right to call anyone stupid… and it felt like it did nothing for Strowman’s career and you know Shane will be back soon to annoy everyone once again.

    I’d also like to mention the RAW & Smackdown commentary teams – the removal of Tom Philips, Samoa Joe gets future endeavoured, Adnan Virk feels out of his depth, Corey Graves keeps flip flopping from outraged heel colour man to ply by play, and Michael Cole being paired with Twat McAfee who is suddenly an expert qualified to provide colour commentary despite being thoroughly annoying. The reason why – Michael Cole becomes a six time ‘winner’ of the WON Worst Commentator award. Have a look at it over the years and then put two and two together…

    • M says:

      I blocked out Shane/Strowman tbh, but you mentioning it made me remember the terrible build up to it. Its hard to pick the musical chairs game of the Raw announce team because they gave up on Virk when they tried spending an entire year on trying to make Mike Adamle work a long time ago. So far early Gooker nominees are:

      – Zombies Ate The Miz

      – The Exploding Sparklers

      – Shane vs Braun

      – The Fiend/Orton/Alexa/Her stupid doll

      – Cody Rhodes: Real American who ended racism by beating the British guy

      • Thomas Moffatt says:

        I’m getting the feeling the return of Eva Marie has potential, rumours are hovering of a Brock Lesnar return which is a solid candidate and Goldberg can come out the woodwork at any time to start a Gooker campaign.

        I do think the worst is to come – Shane could have another feud, a long serving employee could be treated badly, there could be a Jimmy vs Jey feud or there could be mass stupidity in a gimmick match or PPV.

        This is a personnel one but I feel Anthony Ogogo and his stomach punch has potential – when you see what is kicked out of in some matches and then a guy comes along and uses a punch finish feels lazy and lacking imagination. Pretty much like Wade Barrett when he needed a finishing maneuver…

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