Oakland, CA – Tensions ran high during the pre-Raw creative meeting as WWE CEO Vince McMahon insisted on the show including a skit about Columbus Day.
“I don’t see what the problem is,” said a frustrated McMahon. “Whenever Raw falls on a holiday, we do a holiday-related skit. Remember on Halloween, we have the women dress up in their favorite costumes? Remember that one time around Christmas when we had Alberto Del Rio hit Santa with his car? How about that time when we had The Great Khali be tall and motionless during Arbor Day? That was great!”
Several writers looked at each other uneasily.
“Dad, it’s 2016,” said Stephanie McMahon. “Public perception of Christopher Columbus has changed a lot in the last few years. Maybe it’s best that we just sit this one out.”
“Nonsense,” dismissed McMahon. “I have a great idea! We’ll get Tatanka, Chief Jay Strongbow, and Wahoo McDaniel to come out. I’ll dress up like Columbus and make them all kiss my ass!”
“Pop, that’s not going to work. For several reasons,” said Triple H.
“Okay, fine. I’ve got other ideas,” said McMahon, leafing through a pile of notes. “Here’s one: Natalya will be the Nina, Summer Rae will be the Pinta, Nia Jax will be the Santa Maria. They’ll have a pillow fight and the winner will be declared The New World World Champion!”
“Dad, I think it’s time to stop,” said Shane McMahon. “The show will be just fine without having to do something for Columbus Day.
“Okay, Okay. Last one,” said McMahon. “I put on a face paint and a headdress, Seth Rollins puts on a Christopher Columbus wig and hat and we do “How’s On First?” Huh? Huh?”
“Stop! Stop! It’s like he’s making doody on my brain!” screamed head of television production Kevin Dunn.
“See, Dad? You made Kevin cry!” said Stephanie.
“Vince, if you stop with this Columbus Day stuff, you can do something for Thanksgiving!” said Triple H.
“Can it involve Big Show eating a lot of turkey and stuffing and pie?” asked Vince.
“Yeah, that’s okay,” said Shane. “No insensitive Native American jokes, though.”
“Fine, we’ll just wait until Christmas,” said a disappointed Vince McMahon.