Headlies: ‘Voices’ In Randy Orton’s Head Revealed To Be A Green Alien Named Gazoo

20 Submitted by on Fri, 06 December 2013, 08:00


Oklahoma City, OK – During a backstage segment with Renee Young, the supposed “voices” inside WWE Champion Randy Orton’s head were actually revealed to be a little green alien named Gazoo.

In the middle of one of his patented slow-motion promos, Randy Orton paused for a long time. While not atypical for a speech given by the Apex Predator, the awkward silence was shattered by Orton exclaiming, “I am! Stop bugging me! No, you’re the dummy, dummy!” to what appeared to be absolutely no one.

Confused and slightly frightened, Young tried to get Orton back on track asking about his upcoming contract signing with World Heavyweight Champion John Cena. When Orton stared at a very specific spot above his shoulder, Young broke character and asked, “Uh, Randy, are you okay? What are you looking at? Who are you talking to?”

As if on cue, a little green alien wearing a space helmet appeared and said, “Oh, you’ve really done it now, dumb-dumb!”

“Gazoo! How am I supposed to depend on you to help me win the Heavyweight championship when you keep calling me names!?” whined Orton.

“My dear fellow, not only am I not dependable, but I’m a bit of a kook,” said Gazoo while giving Orton a wet willy.

“Aaaah stop it, Gazoo! It’s not funny!” stomped Orton. “This is worse than the time I had to appear at Wrestlemania and at the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo’s Lodge in the same night! I hate it when you make me do crazy things!”

“This makes so much sense,” gasped Young. “Attacking WWE legends, befouling Diva purses, teaming up with Triple H and Stephanie McMahon even though you spent the better part of 2009 attacking them. It’s all because this Gazoo creature is making you do terrible things!”

“It’s true, Renee,” said Orton as Gazoo buzzed around his head. “I just want to be a good guy and have the fans cheer me. I’ve been saying for years that I hear voices, but no one believed me. It’s in my song, for crying out loud!”

Young interjected, “So it was Gazoo that forced you to call Kofi Kingston ‘stupid’ multiple times on live television, completely ruining his push and keeping him in the mid-card to this day.”

Orton and Gazoo looked at each other briefly before breaking out into hysterical fits of laughter and walking off-camera.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
20 Responses to "Headlies: ‘Voices’ In Randy Orton’s Head Revealed To Be A Green Alien Named Gazoo"
  1. GG Duce says:

    “He tells me to burn things!”

  2. John says:

    Randy then asked where she kept her bags as he was feeling a bit pooped.

  3. Rose Harmon says:

    I thought it was a Flintstones reference.

  4. Raven7309 says:

    Can we contact WWE’s seamstress and have her alter the Mantaur bul’s head and turn it into a waterbuffalo hat that Randy could wear to the ring?
    So who’s the Grand Poobah of WWE?

  5. TK says:

    So does this explain Little Jimmy too?

  6. Jeremy says:

    Don’t give WWE ideas. I can already picture them using Hornswoggle in the Gazoo role.

  7. CBCB says:

    Too bad Alberto Del Rio doesn’t use cars with his gimmick anymore. This year’s Christmas Raw needs a repeat of him running over Santa, this time using the Flintstone-mobile.

  8. Sir Thomas says:

    I suppose he could have worse voices in his head than that. He could have the homicidal French guy who lives in my head. I’d probably be a lot more terrified of that guy if I could actually understand a word of what he’s saying.

  9. Down With OPC says:

    “Uh oh, I smell another crappy cartoon crossover.”

    The Jetsons meet The Ortons.

  10. Raven7309 says:

    All together now (Sung to the tune of “The Flintstones”): “Orton’s, we’re the Ortons. We’re a modern wrestling family!!”
    Next line, anyone?

    • Big Jim says:

      “Cowboy, with his arm cast, and his heatless son who’s named Randy! He can’t even get the 1-2-3, without Triple H and Stephanie. Ortons, they’re the Ortons, have the clicker really handy, I can’t watch Randy, he’s boring as can beeeeeee!!!”

      Finished the song for ya haha

  11. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Apparently Gazoo speaks in a mind shatteringly dull voice augmented by a demented squawk and had chest surgery about 10 years ago… looks like Nipple H but is painted green…

leave a comment