Headlies: The Gobbledy Gooker Revealed As The Golden Egg Thief Mastermind

3 Submitted by on Mon, 29 November 2021, 08:00

Elmont, NY – Legendary wrestling turkey the Gobbledy Gooker was revealed this morning as the ring leader of the great Golden Egg theft of 2021.

The extravagant Golden Egg, revealed at Survivor Series, went missing from Vince McMahon’s office during the annual event. A worldwide manhunt proved fruitless, until ska sleuth Sami Zayn uncovered Austin Theory as the culprit. Frustrated with Theory escaping punishment and actually being rewarded with a title shot, Zayn kept digging.

“My brain was completely fried over this,” said a frantic Zayn. “I tried to see the sunny side, but I could not get over how this egg had been poached. I knew something was fowl when I easily caught Austin Theory. I’m a hard-boiled detective and I’ve been playing ketchup all day. I was about to crack, when he had a break in the case. Zayn received an egg-nonymous video file explaining how the plan was hatched.

The scrambled video began with a slowed-down, scary version of “Turkey In The Straw”. An ominous figure, cloaked in darkness, addressed the camera. Unfortunately, all anonymity was surrendered when the figure gobbled incessantly, unintentionally revealing that is was the Gobbledy Gooker. Closed Captioning explained the Gooker’s devious plan.

“We are the Gooker International Liberation Front,” warbled the giant bird. “We will free all eggs from their cages, whether it’s literal or metaphorical. White, brown, or golden eggs. No matter what shape, color, or size, all eggs shall be free. I am the G.I.L.F. Commander! Austin Theory is the G.I.L.F. Captain! We are legion! We cannot be stopped!” crowed the pro wrestling mascot.

“You’ll never get away with this, Gooker!” vowed Zayn. “I will hunt G.I.L.F.s to the ends of the Earth!”

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
3 Responses to "Headlies: The Gobbledy Gooker Revealed As The Golden Egg Thief Mastermind"
  1. Maverick MoPete says:

    I would have unironically accepted this. It would have made for a great callback to the Gooker’s first appearance.

    Maybe it stole the Golden Egg in hopes that it would hatch into a Golden Gobbledy Gooker that would succeed where it failed.

  2. Ben says:

    If only this story was true, I would go back to watching WWE on a regular basis again just to see how this wacky story would end.

  3. Doc 902714 says:

    What they say about the hen that laid the GOLDEN EGG!! It’s no YOLK!!

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