Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds
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MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING TAMINA ORDERED TO GET NEW PRESCRIPTION GLASSES
By Justin Henry
Reading, PA – A widowed former postal clerk has been ordered in a Berks County court to not only stop stalking a particularly unattractive WWE diva, but to get new prescription glasses in order to understand the folly of his lust.
Mitchell Pengross, 58, of Leesport, has been accused of harassing Sarona Reiher, professionally known in World Wrestling Entertainment canon as “Tamina”.
Pengross has been infatuated with Tamina for a little over a year. The e-mails and letters began in June 2010, in which he asks Reiher to “be his Superfly”, a reference to Reiher’s legendary father, “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka.
“The letters are really bizarre and unsettling, and this woman, hideous as she is, deserves to live a life without fear for her own safety,” said Donald Bejellis, the Executive District Attorney in the case. “I would suggest to Pengross in the future two ideas. One is to not do this, because the law very clearly cracks down on such unwanted harassment, and two, if he IS going to tightrope the law, at least be a little more selective in his choice of target.”
Reiher, who has performed on WWE television since the spring of 2010, brings back unpleasant memories for many fans who remember such physical atrocities as ODB, Luna Vachon, Asya, and Leilani Kai post-1990.
It is a mystery that, with so many beautiful women in the wrestling world, that Pengross would focus on somebody that could pass as Jimmy Snuka’s lookalike son.
“My client hasn’t been the same since the death of his wife, Lucy,” said Pengross’ attorney, Jeff Stohl. “The nature of his letters reveals a disturbed, possibly blind, individual. The ways in which my client details Ms. Reiher’s eyes, skin, smile, and so forth shows somebody with such questionable taste, at best. I nearly recommended a guilty sentence to the judge out of repulsion, but to my lasting credit, I stuck with it.”
Pengross’ letters indicate that he is a longtime wrestling fan, and that perhaps his interest in Reiher stems more from his being a fan of her father’s, which kind of explains his poor judgment in appearance.
One letter, written in March, shows an angry side of Pengross, as Reiher had not responded to any of his advances. In it, he seethes, “Do not make me angry, Tamina, because it could be you and me alone in that motel room in Allentown. Remember Nancy Argentino? I do, and your father does too!”
Stohl explained that Pengross’ words were just crazy talk, because WWE would never acknowledge an alleged murderer on television, even twenty eight years after the incident.
Judge Lucretius Matherson ordered that Pengross stay 500 feet from Reiher at all times, and immediately submit to a police escort to LensCrafters for an eye exam, followed by a new prescription for eyeglasses.
“The people are satisfied with the terms of this judgment,” said Bejellis. “We’d be more satisfied if Tamina would just get it over with and admit that she’s actually Sivi Afi in drag, but we’re not holding our breath.”
“CM PUNK’S CURRENT WWE TITLE REIGN IS THE GREATEST EVER!” ACCORDING TO INCLUSIVE POLL
By Justin Henry
New Haven, CT – According to a recent poll of twenty-four people, who voted on a Tumblr site you’ve never heard of, CM Punk’s current reign as WWE Champion is the greatest that there’s ever been.
The Tumblr site, iwannapoopoutpunksbaby.tumblr.com, recently conducted a poll, asking fans which WWE Championship reign stands out as the all-time greatest.
With twenty four votes, twenty one went to CM Punk’s current two week, no-defenses reign, and two were allotted to Chris Jericho capturing the undisputed Championship at the 2001 Vengeance.
The remaining vote was cast by an unusual man who selected Antonio Inoki’s oft-forgotten championship reign in 1979.
The explanations from the fans involved have been interesting and eye-opening, not to mention eye-rolling.
“I just don’t see how any of the other 100 or so reigns can compare to Punk’s current reign,” said Darren Sheraway, the webmaster of the Punk Tumblr, and possibly a loner. “None of those other reigns have ever given me wet dreams before, not even Jericho’s. And Eddie Guerrero’s title win was more of an innocent happiness, due to him overcoming his problems, so there was no sexual release involved there.
But for Punk’s?
“Given that he had to overcome the stifling corporate structure of John Cena and Vince McMahon to do it, and he refused to back down, and he refused to conform to their arcane methods of production and marketing! And for that, he deserves to be acknowledged with the greatest reign ever when he beat that little bitch Cena right in the center of the ring! I know it’s fake, but I SAY IT WAS REAL!”
Sheraway’s Tumblr, which attracts a couple dozen die-hard CM Punk fans to read his rambling blogs about the WWE Champion (“Why CM Punk is the best”, “CM Punk supports gay marriage and that makes me optimistic”, “I wanna make myself into a blow-up doll and mail it to CM Punk”), as well as engage in endless threads of chatter concerning all things Punk.
It seemed like a formality that Punk’s title reign was going to win the survey, despite the expected dissention from fans that don’t wear Pepsi-tinted sunglasses.
“I was banned from commenting on the Tumblr’s Facebook page because I said Punk’s match with Mysterio at WrestleMania was only ***,” said Holden Ballfield. “They even found a way to lock me out of voting on the Punk survey, because I would have selected Hulk Hogan’s first reign, since that really ushered in the national expansion of the sport of professional wrestling.”
When asked about Ballfield, Sheraway said, “He got AIDS from a ferret.”
In other points, debate has been feverish from the two who selected Jericho’s reign. Punk fan Marissa Shawlick selected Jericho’s run under the belief that Punk “hasn’t had time to fulfill his limitless quota of awesomeness yet”, and was threatened with a ban.
“I like CM Punk as much as anyone,” Shawlick stated. “But sooner or later, we have to realize that he’s a mortal man that plays a character that WWE allows him to play.”
Sheraway dismissed Shawlick’s comments as “insane” and recommended an immediate hysterectomy.