Headlies: Julia Hart Falls Off The Face Of The Earth

1 Submitted by on Mon, 03 January 2022, 08:00

Cambridge, MN – After a long and thorough investigation, AEW officials have determined that Julia Hart has fallen completely off the face of the earth.

The bubbly cheerleader has not been seen on television since she was blinded by Malakai Black’s black mist. Despite a few scheduled tweets, the Varsity Blonds valet has not been heard from in weeks.

“We’ve exhausted every lead,” said a sullen Tony Khan. “We’ve tried private investigators, bloodhounds, and even a psychic. Nothing. Nada. Bupkis. Frankly, I don’t know what else we can do.”

“Ms. Hart’s last known whereabouts were the Springfield Mystery Spot on the outskirts of town,” explained Brown County Sherriff Rod Delacroix. “As far as we can tell, she entered the attraction several weeks ago and vanished without a trace. We must officially declare her missing and presumably full of team spirit”

“I know that dastardly Malakai Black is behind this,” said Varsity Blonde member Griff Garrison. “Malakai Black, you’re U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got not alibi, you ugly!”

“I will do everything in my power to pin Black’s shoulders to the mat for an entire three seconds,” said his Brian Pillman Jr. “Julia would want me to avenge her. I must be aggressive. B-E aggressive.”

Authorities plan to follow several tips from locals who have claimed to hear eerie late-night chants of “Gimme a J! Gimme a U! Gimme an L! Gimme an I! Gimme an A! What’s that spell?” near the mystery spot.

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From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
1 Response to "Headlies: Julia Hart Falls Off The Face Of The Earth"
  1. Arcane Azmadi says:

    …well that was just bloody weaksauce…

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