Headlies: Fan Regrets Wishing For More Wrestling On A Monkey’s Paw

5 Submitted by on Mon, 20 January 2020, 08:00

Duluth, MN – Diehard wrestling fan Henry Peterson now regrets wishing for more pro wrestling on a magical monkey’s paw.

Peterson, who purchased the cursed object from a mysterious old man at a market in Marakesh, was unaware of its power.

“At first, I didn’t really think much of it,” said Peterson, bathed in the warm glow of his television showing matches from the Africa Wrestling Alliance. “I wished for a new clothes and the next day a box of slightly irregular pants fell off the back of a truck in front of my house. I didn’t think anything was up until I wished for a million dollars and then my mailbox exploded with 20% off coupons for Bed Bath & Beyond.”

After also wishing for a new car only to receive an old Power Wheels and a turkey sandwich that was a little dry, Peterson thought of one more wish.  

“I just wanted to watch more wrestling,” explained Peterson. “Initially, it was great to have the Raw, Smackdown, NXT, and 205 Live. Of course, there was also Impact and ROH. Plus, AEW, Evolve, CZW, Game Changer Wrestling, MLW, NWA, Shimmer, Beyond, OVW, XWA, Party World Wrasslin, and ICW. Oh, can’t forget NJPW, AAA, CMLL, Chikara, Progress, EVE, Noah, and Stardom. Now I can’t stop.”

Peterson has missed all of his son’s hockey games this season. He was also recently let go from his job for watching wrestling during work hours.

“I don’t remember the last time I had a full night’s sleep,” sighed the weary fan. “The international promotions and time differences are really killing me. Japan, UK, Germany, Australia, India. Did you know there’s wrestling in Nepal? Chile too. I know. I know all of it.”

Family members have offered to send Peterson to rehab, but he knows it won’t help. When asked why he couldn’t just not watch Peterson replied “Dude, I don’t want to miss anything.”

“Just when I think I’ve seen enough, some other wrestling company pops up and has a show,” said Peterson shaking his head. “It will stop one day. It has to stop. There’s no way another company will start or another major company will have another show.

Peterson’s phone buzzed, alerting him to AEW getting a second show. Uncontrollably sobbing, Peterson checked “Will not be attending” to his parent’s 50th anniversary party.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
5 Responses to "Headlies: Fan Regrets Wishing For More Wrestling On A Monkey’s Paw"
  1. Joe Levinsky says:

    You forgot CWF Wrestling!

  2. CF says:

    This is supposed to be Humor? This is my reality with Motor Trend On Demand, and about a dozen other auto-racing streaming services!

  3. C Boz says:

    The Curse of the Monkey Paw!!!

    It’s like summer camp in the 1970s all over again.

    Well done, Jordan. But now I am going to have nightmares. Slow ones, like Nick Patrick’s three count at Starrcade 1997.

  4. Christopher Haydu says:

    One thing I never got was, why at the end of that episode did nothing bad happen when Flanders wished for anything? That’s been bothering me for about thirty years now.

  5. Doc 902714 says:

    Wish I had a Monkey’s Paw.

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