Chicago, IL – Following the disappearance and subsequent return of All Elite Wrestling’s championship, AEW officials have agreed to physically attach the belt to current champion Chris Jericho.
Jericho, who claimed the belt was stolen while he was celebrating his win at Longhorn Steakhouse, will now have several pins, fasteners, and thumbtacks inserted into his body and the belt.
“Of course we trust Chris. I mean, we wouldn’t have made him the inaugural champion of our brand-new promotion if we didn’t, right?” laughed AEW Executive Vice President Cody Rhodes nervously. “We just want to add an extra layer of security so this never happens again.”
“These things happen and we are just happy to have the belt back safe and sound,” said AEW Executive Tony Khan. “As an added precaution, we are also using a space-age epoxy to physical graft the belt to Chris’s skin. It will be real hard to lose the belt when you need it surgery removed.”
Upon hearing the added security features, Jericho slurred “Psssh, whatever! You can staple all the belts, ties, and MeUndies to my body. I’m the bestest in the world, just like these Omaha Steaks. Enter promo code “ShHdSde8Mn02rw$dzzZzZzzz” for a million percent off or something.”
A suggestion to put a tracking chip in the belt was shot down after fears were raised Jericho would pour Grey Goose vodka on the belt. Officials are considering having Jericho lose the belt before he goes on tour with Fozzy where he is almost guaranteed to have it “stolen” again.