Headlies: 52-Year Old Man The Sole Survivor Of Watching Survivor Series

2 Submitted by on Mon, 22 November 2021, 08:00

 

Colorado Springs, CO – Alton Humboldt, 52-year old father of three, was the sole survivor of his family’s attempt to sit through all of Survivor Series.

The Humboldts, longtime WWE fans, tried to endure the incredibly long event. After many hours of pre-show, main show, and post-show analysis, only Alton remained.

“Y’know, it wasn’t easy,” said Alton, his eyes heavy and his words slurred. “I’ve been preparing my entire life for this moment. Years of sitting through every interminable Youtube show. Watching Raw A.M. when it was a thing. Two never-ending nights of Wrestlemania. It all led to my moment of triumph.”

The first to tap out of the familial competition was 7-year old Avery. The 25-man battle royal could not keep the youngest child awake for very long.

“No build. No logic. What’s the point?” asked the second grader, nodding off, before the finish.

The next family member to be eliminated was eldest child, Chandler.

The uninterested teenage managed to stay mildly interested in the pay-per-view, until he received a text message from a friend. Invited to join a game of Call Of Duty, Chandler, left the living room, never to return that evening.

Jackie, the family’s matriarch, spent most of the event on her Tablet, doing holiday shopping for the family. As soon as Liv Morgan was eliminated during the Women’s Survivor Series match, Jackie bid everyone goodnight and went to bed.

That left Alton and middle child Angelica as the two remaining family members still watching Survivor Series. It was a back-and-forth struggle as the combination of fried food, ice cream, and late hour took its toll on both. In the end, little Angie just couldn’t make it through another Usos run-in and fell asleep on the couch.

“My secret weapon? Jolt Cola and the inability to stop giving this company my time and money,” laughed Humboldt through tears of exhaustion. “I have to get up for work at 5:30 and I definitely forgot how to do basic math, but it was totally worth it. I am the sole survivor!”

Humboldt slept through his alarm and was very late for work the next day.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
2 Responses to "Headlies: 52-Year Old Man The Sole Survivor Of Watching Survivor Series"
  1. Guy Incognito says:

    This is so spot on.
    I couldn’t survive that whole show without nodding off a few times, especially during the main event.

  2. James Barns says:

    So, is the Golden Egg the automatic winner of this year’s Gooker?

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