Stamford, CT – WWE officials revealed over the weekend that a noise making device will now be the lead announcer of Monday Night Raw. Following the firings of Adnan Virk and Tom Phillips, WWE CEO Vince McMahon quickly filled the void with his hand-picked choice.
The machine, purchased by McMahon after receiving a billion dollars from NBC, emanates various bodily sounds. A variety of burps, stomach growls, and breaking wind noises are created by a push of a button. The contraption has delighted the septuagenarian so much that he has installed it as the new announcer of his flagship show.
“This is the voice of the WWE Universe!” beamed McMahon in proudly during a press conference without a shred of irony. “It conveys so many emotions and layers. Sure, you can scream and holler when a Superstar is put through a table, but a well-placed fart does so much more. It’s universal. Everyone understands that. It really is the perfect WWE announcer.”
The controversial move was not met without detractors. Several higher-ups tried to voice their displeasure in a meeting, including members of McMahon’s own family.
“We’re better than this, Vince. Are you sure we want to move forward with this?” asked Triple H.
McMahon responded with a small belch from the machine. The inappropriate noise made the billionaire giggle.
“Dad, I know we’re trying to improve our 18-49 demo, but this isn’t the way,” said Stephanie McMahon.
McMahon pressed another button making the device let out a long, low fart. He laughed uproariously as the sound echoed in the large conference room. Delighted by the bathroom sound, McMahon continually pressed the button, completely drowning out Kevin Dunn’s protests.
Attempts to separate McMahon from his new announcer have proved fruitless as they have been continuously interrupted by a cacophony of gross bodily noises.