I was never the world’s biggest Rick Martel fan, but over the years I’ve turned the corner. And this ‘article’ from the May 1990 WWF Magazine is a prime example why.
Holy cow, what a total schmuck this guy is.
“Fashion previews come out early, well ahead of the season. That’s why Rick “The Model” Martel, when the northland was gripped in the icy hold of winter, headed south to Florida to display some of the fashions he had chosen for the warm months ahead. The man, with his good looks, athletic accomplishments and taste, is a winner. But his aggravating arrogance makes us wish he was a loser. Be that as it may, here, in his glory, is Rick Martel with his designers’ specials.”
I would love to think if Martel actually released a clothing line it would be called Arrogant Apparel. Heck, with the ease of getting custom shirts made these days he should try it. Who doesn’t want a puffy powder blue jacket with matching pants?
Also, if Twitter existed in 1990, I have no doubt geeks such as myself would have sworn up and down Martel being on his giant cell phone meant that Paul E. Dangerously was coming to the WWF to manage him.
We get no copy on the next page, but really, is any needed? That leather hat is amazing. Tell me you don’t want that. And have you ever seen anything douchebag-ier than tying your unbuttoned shirt together in a knot at the navel?
“The Model doesn’t want to get sand in his shoes, so on the beach he doesn’t wear any. What he does wear are loose-fitting but elegant threads. Airy, light but enhancing – not that he thinks his gorgeous bod needs any enhancement at all. Not Rick Martel.”
I’ll forgo the “I don’t like sand” trope in favor of the “I don’t like shoes” trope instead. Seriously, who here wouldn’t be happy if you never needed to wear shoes again? I’m not saying they’re not necessary, but as I’ve wound up wearing shoes around the house to help with foot pain, I’ve kinda started to hate them. TMI I know. But I’m on team Martel here.
Again, the magazine felt no need to supply us with any text here. And you can tell this is before Russo showed up, as we’d have probably gotten something like “Martel is holding BALLS here. TWO of them bro!”
See, I can capitalize things too. I just don’t because it’s absurd and makes no sense.
“In the lounge or on the tennis court, The Model is always dressed to a T. ‘Great designers want me to be seen in their products,’ Martel declares. ‘I’m never short of clothing, the finest in the world. Just like when I’m in the ring, I’m never short of ways to win.”
Here we see that Martel has decided that shoes are in fact needed…but SOCKS are not. Ok, that’s where I draw the line. Put some socks on you geek. Shoes with no socks is not only a total heel move, but gross as well. Being an unapologetic twit is one thing, but being and unhygienic twit is there I draw the line!