I’ve been bingeing Prime Time Wrestling on the Network of late. I mean, not that it’s anything new for me; I’ve long made known my love for this television program, so I won’t bore you with details about it again. I binged it long before the Network existed (on good ol’ fashioned VHS tapes I recorded from the original airings), and long before the term ‘binge’ existed for watching junk over and over. I’m not going to tell you that it is required viewing for anyone visiting this site; I’ve done that a zillion times. You either get it by now or your a hopeless loser who never will.
Suffice to say I’m nearing the end of 1987, which means each and every week Gorilla is here to shill this little item:
Piledriver!
Or if I must for the anal retentive of you out there, Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II!
Man that brings back memories. Not only memories of when I first saw that thing hit the air, but fond recollections of when I first started this website. From day one, I knew one of the first articles I was going to pen would cover Piledriver. How could it not? It was the epitome of WrestleCrap, what the site was designed to be all about.
It had been several years since I looked at the original induction in the archives (which you can access and help out the site in doing so by donating here). I was kinda curious what I had written about the title video, so into the Wabac I went to discover this:
“Another “highlight” is Koko B. Ware’s title track, in which he explains that love is sometimes like an arg-u-ment, like a piledriver. The video for Piledriver has a bunch of wrestlers working on a construction site, gawking at women passing by. You really haven’t lived until you’ve seen Vince McMahon as the world’s nerdiest construction worker. And in the middle of all this zany fun, Koko goes about giving wrestlers brainbusters, which are not, in fact, piledrivers.”
No.
No no no no.
While I love the original archives, I must admit: this paragraph cannot suffice. A music video as epic and legendary as Koko’s magnum opus deserves more than a couple of quick sentences.
It requires in-depth analysis.
It requires the cumulative knowledge of thirty years (!!!!) of viewing can provide.
It requires animated GIFs so large it will cause your iPad to burst into flames.
Today we make amends!
Today we delve into the inner greatness of Piledriver by looking at it literally scene by scene, exacting what made this arguably the greatest three minutes and three seconds of the legendary late 80’s WWF.
Can you find a better 183 seconds somewhere in that era?
I think not!
The video starts with the Honky Tonk Man driving in his pink cadillac, Peggy Sue beside him, the Colonel in the back. By golly, that sentence was so poetic someone should make it into a song. Anyway, he is stopped from going down the highway by Oliver Humperdink, who has to be the first guy who’s ever been knighted (he was SIR Oliver, remember?) going so far downhill he wound up a highway flagger.
Also, why is he forcing Honky off the road? I see cars up ahead of him going through just fine!
The greatest Intercontinental champion of all time and his Honkterouge attempt to make the best of it, driving through the construction site, with Peggy hanging on her man as Jimmy Hart plays the guitar in the back seat. Their positivity is completely negated by the men working there, namely Billy Jack Haynes, who literally throws his board down on the ground as they drive by.
Bam Bam Bigelow is also completely appalled, dropping his wheelbarrow in disgust. He’s all like “What’s the deal, man….I was just hauling this nearly empty bucket around, now what am I supposed to do? Work or something?!”
Finally they are stopped in their tracks by the mighty Hulkster himself, wielding, and I am not making this up, a PICK AXE. Seeing that makes me so sad that we never got a HHH vs. Hogan feud. You know why?
Because pick axe > sledgehammer!
We cut away to the Birdman, Koko B. Ware, who croons out the chorus, explaining the similarities of love and yes, a piledriver. Apparently they are nearly identical. How this is the case is never fully explained, and believe me, I’ve attempted to figure it out daily for the last three decades.
For the three of you who don’t have this track, here it is in all its glory. I’d normally be concerned about someone hunting me down for posting a full song, but honestly, half the time WWE doesn’t seem to know if they have the rights to the songs on this album, so what the heck.
We cut to ARNOLD SKAALAND, the Golden Boy, who is the foreman of this company apparently, this company which is named ConCo.
There must be at minimum a zillion jokes to be made about a wrestling company running a construction company called CON Co, so why don’t you all be good boys and girls and make one in the comments section below.
Back to the construction site, where Honky and his crew are still stopped in their tracks by the Pick Axe Hulk. I mean, they are just trying to drive through, what’s the deal Hogan?
Instead, he smiles, and nods at Don Muraco, which apparently is code for “Hey big guy, drop a board and cover these innocent people in dust and dirt.” The Magnificent One is unquestionably pleased by his despicable actions.
Ok, stop: why are all these guys so angry with Honky? The dude was simply driving down the road, minding his own business, and was never planning on going through their their work area. But for whatever reason, he was forced to do so by Humperdink.
I mean, these guys want to be a bunch of a-holes, that’s fine I guess, but at least direct it at the right person.
That would be Flaggin’ Ollie.
Back to Koko we go, singing and dancing and doing absolutely zero work whatsoever. I have no clue what they are attempting to build, but it’s never going to get done if this is their work ethic.
Skaaland apparently feels the same, so he goes up to Billy Graham and taps him on the shoulder. Naturally we don’t get any dialogue, but I am guessing his question would be, “Hey dummy, you’re supposed to be pouring concrete on the ground…why on earth do you have it on the top of your head? Do you have any idea what you are doing?”
The Hulkster sees the boss attempting to right the ship and comes up with an idea.
An awful idea.
A wonderful, AWFUL idea.
An idea involving spraying the foreman with concrete. Despite this being something that should rightfully get him fired immediately for insubordination, he laughed and laughed and laughed at it like it was the funniest thing since Stan Hansen said those executives in No Holds Barred had teeny weiners.
Wait, that was in 1989.
Gotta wait two more years before we celebrate its thirtieth birthday!
Apparently all this lack of working has the guys in need of a break, so they sit down as skanks slowly shake their booties wandering around the construction area. They’ve gotta be violating all kinds of OSHA laws.
Shouldn’t they at least be wearing hard hats?
According to Superstar, these women are A-OK!
And Vince is…well, he gives the reaction you’d expect him to give.
I seriously may need to use that as my avatar on every single message board I ever join. I suggest you do the same. If you are an accountant, imagine how fun it would be having that next to your name the next time you’re posting on proformative.com!
Or better yet, use it as a reaction GIF. Let’s say your best friend just impregnated his girlfriend.
Yep!
Hey, look, it’s Koko again, and if you think he is doing ANYTHING other than running around using a mallet as a pretend microphone, well, you’re wrong. It’s almost like he’s pointing at the camera and saying, “I ain’t workin’ chump! I’m gonna sing about how love is similar to a pro wrestling move that it’s nothing like at all!”
SPEAKING OF pro wrestling moves that are like nothing at all, we get shot after shot of Koko doing a brain buster as he bellows about pile drivers. I’d truly go off about this, but to be fair, I love the fact that we get some kinda first person view of going upside down. Also major props to the WWF for apparently drilling a hole inside a wrestling ring and sticking a camera straight up through it so Koko can drop the guy on his head right into the camera.
If I ever find out Kevin Dunn came up with this idea, I will forgive him for the 85 jump cuts a minute and shaking the camera whenever someone throws a punch on Raw these days.
Hey, remember the skanks we saw before? I’d like to apologize to them.
Because they’ve got NOTHING on this chick, who booty waps in such absurd fashion it causes Bigelow to hang his head in shame.
I can only imagine being behind the camera on this shot, with Vince screaming, “Shake it! Shake it more, dammit! See if you can get your whole cheek out of those shorts!”
Meanwhile, Koko has moved beyond doing simply nothing, to actively taking his hammer and knocking down whatever is being built.
I don’t think I can overstate what a terrible job ConCo is doing here.
More floozies sashay past our crew. And this may be the best reactions yet!
Don Muraco stops eating his potato chip and smiles.
Billy Jack Haynes spits out his apple.
And Vince McMahon waves a bag of bagels at them.
I’d like to think that this is how these men attempt to lure the lady folk back to their lairs. A mating ritual so to speak.
If we can all agree that is in fact the case here, they all pale in comparison to Hulk Hogan’s tactic…
In which he shoves a sandwich in his mouth sideways and fails to eat it.
I am begging one of you single guys trying to hook up with a lady to try that and report back to us.
The video sadly comes to a close as Foreman Arnold heads to the port a potty with a magazine in hand.
Wait a minute, I’ve never noticed this before. With the aid of fine high definition remastering, we learn this isn’t just any magazine…
…it’s a magazine with some hussy on it!
I think it may be STACEY Q!
Still, dude…you have prostitutes walking all over the place. Why are you wasting your time with a magazine in the can?
The world’s worst construction crew apparently feels the same way, getting a forklift and taking the stink shed into the sky. The end.
I should note that Piledriver was just one of many videos released to coincide with the album’s release. There were several others released on a VHS tape, and while they weren’t all horrible, most of them were pretty dang bad. The question I have for you, my fellow Crappers…should I review more of these in this manner? And if so, what should be next?
Let me know in the comments below!