Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: Nick Gage Defeats Chris Jericho In A Dance Competition

1 Submitted by on Mon, 26 July 2021, 08:00
Charlotte, NC – Deathmatch legends Nick Gage defeated Chris Jericho in a dazzling, if not unexpected, fashion this weekend. Instead of pitting the two in combat, AEW star MJF harkened back to his infamous dance routine with Jericho to inflict maximum pain. What Jericho and the world did not know was that the GCW star is a world-class dancer. Gage, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fans Excited To Finally Boo WWE In Person

5 Submitted by on Mon, 19 July 2021, 08:00
Fort Worth, TX – WWE fans were elated to finally see WWE events live this weekend and boo the product vociferously. Following over a year of pandemic protocols, WWE has opened its doors to the general public for live events. After enduring cinematic matches, arson, zombie attacks, and magic, fans now have the chance to see their favorite WWE Superstars Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Malaki Black Begins Eliminating Older AEW Wrestlers

1 Submitted by on Mon, 12 July 2021, 08:00
Gatlin, NE – Newcomer Malaki Black has begun culling All Elite Wrestling’s older roster members in a devious and slightly cultish plot. After his vicious attack against Arn Anderson, the enigmatic Black systematically dismantled Tully Blanchard, Konnan, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts. No older members of the roster have escaped Black’s grasp. On a cross-country trip to promote a new Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW’s First Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest Plagued With Injuries

1 Submitted by on Mon, 05 July 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Tragedy struck All Elite Wrestling’s First Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest this Fourth of July as a number of injuries ruined the event. The mandatory fun-filled day in the sun was devised by AEW CEO Tony Khan in hopes of building community and spreading cheer. It was also a good excuse to finish the surplus food from Continue Reading...
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Headlies: King Nakamura Throws Baron Corbin In The Tower Of London

4 Submitted by on Mon, 28 June 2021, 08:00
London, UK – Newly crowned King Shinsuke Nakamura enacted his first ruling as WWE King by throwing Baron Corbin into the Tower of London. By royal decree, and in agreement with the British government in exchange for a trio of WWE shows on their soil, Corbin was dragged extradited from the United States. Forced onto a plane and surrounded by Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Cameron Grimes Launches New “Grimes Dimes” Cryptocurrency

1 Submitted by on Mon, 21 June 2021, 08:00
Miami, FL – Following in AEW wrestler MJF’s footsteps, NXT star Cameron Grimes has started his own cryptocurrency. “I heard this thing on the internet about some sort of Crypt Keeper currency and knew I had to get in on that,” said Grimes aboard his yacht. “You ever see that Crypt Keeper, fella? Man, he is one spooky scary skeleton. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Even Chucky Thinks Alexa Bliss’s Doll Lilly Is Ridiculous

1 Submitted by on Mon, 14 June 2021, 08:00
Hollywood, CA – Killer doll and former WCW alumni Chucky spoke out recently condemning Alexa Bliss’s magical doll Lilly. The serial killer-possessed “Good Guy” doll expressed his disgust in a Youtube video from his Power Wheels. “We may be magical, killer dolls, but we have our dignity,” said Chucky. “Hollywood has a long history with murderous marionettes. Whether it’s Annabelle, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Braun Strowman Trains To Become A Train

6 Submitted by on Mon, 07 June 2021, 08:00
Boston, MA – Following his release, former WWE Superstar Braun Strowman has found a new passion and has committed himself to becoming an actual train. The recently-fired wrestler appeared early this morning at the Amtrak Southampton Rail Yard. Stunned onlookers gawked as the former Universal Champion ran up and down the tracks. Crowds gasped as the strongman pulled cars full Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Gross Noise Machine Announced As Lead Raw Announcer

7 Submitted by on Mon, 31 May 2021, 08:00
Stamford, CT – WWE officials revealed over the weekend that a noise making device will now be the lead announcer of Monday Night Raw. Following the firings of Adnan Virk and Tom Phillips, WWE CEO Vince McMahon quickly filled the void with his hand-picked choice. The machine, purchased by McMahon after receiving a billion dollars from NBC, emanates various bodily Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Zombies Give The Miz 1-Star On Yelp

6 Submitted by on Mon, 24 May 2021, 08:00
Tampa, FL- The zombie lumberjacks that ate WWE Superstar The Miz at Backlash last week have given the wrestler a less-than-awesome review. Disappointed ghouls flooded the business-reviewing website Yelp.com with 1-star reviews following the devouring of the former WWE champion. Many complained of poor taste, bad service, and unpleasant ambiance. “Too much hair gel,” groaned one review. “Terrible service. Struggled Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Issues New Blade Rule

0 Submitted by on Mon, 17 May 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – After enduring some harsh criticism for their Blood & Guts match, All Elite Wrestling officials have unveiled new blade safety rules. “We understand the concern of the fans,” said AEW CEO Tony Khan. “AEW wants to put on the best wrestling program while still remaining safe. It’s time we moved away from the archaic and barbaric use Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Dynamite Presents: Tetanus & Hepatitis

0 Submitted by on Mon, 10 May 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – On this week’s episode of AEW Dynamite, members of the Inner Circle and The Pinnacle will be given tetanus shots and antiviral medication as a direct result of participating in the ‘Blood & Guts’ match. “We value realism in AEW so naturally ‘Tetanus & Hepatitis’ would follow up the Blood & Guts,” explained Tony Khan. “We’re going Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Dark Order Unveil Their New Tour Bus

1 Submitted by on Mon, 03 May 2021, 08:00
Roach Branch, FL – All Elite Wrestling stable The Dark Order revealed their new tour bus in a ribbon-cutting ceremony earlier today. Gathered behind a Casey’s General Store, The Dark Order unveiled their previously owned 1972 Winnebago. The dust-covered recreational vehicle has over 400,000 miles, squeaky brakes, and a leaking radiator. Many questioned while the stable purchased such a vehicle. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Garbage Bag Full Of Billie Kay’s Personal Items Sent To Wrong Address

5 Submitted by on Mon, 26 April 2021, 08:00
Sydney, FL – A garbage bag full of former WWE Superstar Billie Kay’s personal belongings was accidentally sent to a Sydney, Florida resident late last week. WWE recently came under fire after former wrestler Mickie James posted on social media about the billion-dollar company sending her personal items in a garbage bag. It appears that the same uncouth tactic was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kevin Owens Awarded The Presidential Medal Of Freedom For Stunning Logan Paul

2 Submitted by on Mon, 19 April 2021, 08:00
Washington, DC – WWE Superstar Kevin Owens was awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom this weekend in a ceremony at the White House. Officials noted Owens’ Stunner on Youtuber Logan Paul as the main reason for receiving the highest civilian award of the United States. Paul, most famous for being a ghoulish jerk and having an extremely punchable face, appeared Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fan Thrilled To Have Missed Wrestlemania

6 Submitted by on Mon, 12 April 2021, 08:00
Tuscaloosa, AL – Lifetime WWE fan Ronald Van Der Plunk was relieved to wake up Monday morning with the realization that he had completely missed Wrestlemania. Morning sunlight filled Van Der Plunk’s bedroom with a buttery glow. Birds happily chirped outside of his window as a gentle breeze roused him from his slumber. A warm sense of satisfaction filled his Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Midnight Rose And Stubby Open An Illegal Casino In Paradise

2 Submitted by on Mon, 05 April 2021, 08:00
  Topeka, KS – Wrestling legend Midnight Rose and lovable ragamuffin Stubby stumbled through the pearly gates. They shielded their eyes from the bright lights and surveyed the land. “Wow, look at this place, man,” said Midnight Rose. “Real swanky. Everything’s so clean and smells really nice. Can you believe the guy up front didn’t even check our IDs?” “Tell Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kip Sabian Is The Wizard

0 Submitted by on Mon, 29 March 2021, 08:00
  Hollywood, CA – AEW stars Miro, Penelope Ford, and Kip Sabian traveled to Universal Studios Hollywood this week to compete in Arcade Anarchy  against Orange Cassidy and Chuck Taylor. Officials revealed this week that Arcade Anarchy will, in fact, be a video game tournament. The winner will receive $50,000 and appear on the cover of Nintendo Power. The blood Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Britt Baker Loses Dental License After ‘Lights Out’ Match

1 Submitted by on Mon, 22 March 2021, 08:00
Harrisburg, PA – AEW star Dr. Britt Baker has lost her dentistry license following her brutal “Lights Out” match against Thunder Rosa. Baker, a dentist in the state of Pennsylvania, appeared virtually before the State Board of Dentistry on Friday. Members of the board discussed Baker’s conduct during last week’s match. “Dr. Baker, the members of this board viewed your Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Maki Itoh Wins All The Grammys

4 Submitted by on Mon, 15 March 2021, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – AEW star Maki Itoh shocked the music world last night by taking home every single Grammy award. The 63rd Grammy Awards, held at the Los Angeles Staples Center, was unlike any other award ceremony in recent history. Due to the pandemic, most nominees were either social distanced or not physically present. The sparse audience allowed the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Shockmaster Interrupts Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch

4 Submitted by on Mon, 08 March 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – The bloody battle between Kenny Omega and John Moxley was abruptly interrupted by AEW’s latest signing, The Shockmaster. The two biggest events in AEW’s history, the Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch and their latest signing, collided in spectacular fashion last night at Revolution. After a grueling bout that included rat traps, light tubes, and rubbing salt and vinegar Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Paul Wight Launches Marko Stunt Into The Sun

9 Submitted by on Mon, 01 March 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Newly signed AEW star Paul Wight made a splash this weekend after launching fellow wrestler Marko Stunt into the sun. Wight, formerly known as The Big Show in WWE, spent his Saturday introducing himself to members of the AEW roster. After reconnecting with old friends and glad-handing management, Wight met Stunt. Rather than shake Wight’s hand, Stunt Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair – Lacey Evans Gender Reveal Party Goes To A Sixty Minute Broadway

7 Submitted by on Mon, 22 February 2021, 08:00
Charlotte, NC – A gender reveal party for Lacey Evans and Ric Flair’s child resulted in a time-limit draw with no clear winner. The amorous septuagenarian and the Sassy Southern Belle celebrated their unexpected conception in Flair’s backyard. Joining the happy couple were friends, family, and members of the Four Horsemen not currently under AEW contracts. Even Ric’s daughter, Charlotte Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Valentine’s Day Promotion Forces ThunderDome To Shut Down

1 Submitted by on Mon, 15 February 2021, 08:00
Orlando, FL – A Valentine’s Day event where fans show how much they love the WWE turned X-rated and forced the company to turn off the ThunderDome. The event, dubbed ‘Show Your Love For WWE’ was advertised as a chance for the WWE Universe to show their affections for the company. WWE officials got more than they bargained for as Continue Reading...
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Headlies: XFL’s Tampa Bay Vipers Win The Super Bowl

3 Submitted by on Mon, 08 February 2021, 08:00
Tampa Bay, FL – In an unprecedented turn of events, the XFL’s Tampa Bay Vipers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs to win their first ever Super Bowl. Led by quarterback Taylor “Corndog” Cornelius, the Vipers decimated Chiefs’ secondary. Crisp, tight spirals soared majestically through the air all night, netting a record seven touchdown passes. On the defensive side, former Super Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Peacock Wins The Royal Rumble

7 Submitted by on Mon, 01 February 2021, 08:00
St. Petersburg, FL – In a shocking turn of events, a man in a giant peacock costume won the Royal Rumble. With its iridescent coloration and expansive feathers, the large man-bird entered the Rumble at the coveted 30th spot. Confused and terrified, many Superstars eliminated themselves in an act of self-preservation. After extensive flexing, preening, and pecking, Peacock made short Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Shawn Michaels Pardoned For Barber Shop Window Incident

4 Submitted by on Mon, 25 January 2021, 08:00
Corpus Christi, TX – WWE legend Shawn Michaels received a full presidential pardon this week for the infamous Barber Shop Window incident in 1992. The event, which saw Michaels throw his Rockers partner Marty Janetty through a window, has been on Michaels’ record for decades. In a last-minute flurry of activity before leaving office, President Donald Trump issued a slew Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Reunited Bullet Club Members Struggle To Find New Name

5 Submitted by on Mon, 18 January 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – A surprise reunion of former Bullet Club members on AEW’s New Year’s Smash has forced the former faction to create a new team name. The famous wrestling group primarily appeared in New Japan Pro-Wrestling, but due to strict copyright laws, AEW champion Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks, Luke Gallows, and Karl Anderson are now forced to use Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Trump Supporters Unable To Find And Storm WWE Hall Of Fame

13 Submitted by on Mon, 11 January 2021, 08:00
After several days of searching, a group of Donald Trump supporters were unable to find and storm the WWE Hall Of Fame. The six car and one 1997 Pontiac Astro Wagon caravan began their journey in Florida, slowly making their way up the East coast towards Connecticut. The poorly planned trip worked on the assumption that the much-advertised hall of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Randy Orton Lights WWE Legend Moppy On Fire

6 Submitted by on Mon, 04 January 2021, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Randy Orton’s fire-fueled frenzy continued this week after he set beloved superstar Moppy ablaze during Legends Night. The gathering of legends, meant to honor former stars and definitely not to boost ratings, started off as expected. Icons such as Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Alicia Fox thanked the nonexistent crowd for their support and well wishes. Hillbilly Continue Reading...
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