Category Archives: Headlies

The latest pro graps newz you won’t get anywhere else. Because it probably isn’t true. Probably.

Headlies: AEW Dynamite Presents: Tetanus & Hepatitis

0 Submitted by on Mon, 10 May 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – On this week’s episode of AEW Dynamite, members of the Inner Circle and The Pinnacle will be given tetanus shots and antiviral medication as a direct result of participating in the ‘Blood & Guts’ match. “We value realism in AEW so naturally ‘Tetanus & Hepatitis’ would follow up the Blood & Guts,” explained Tony Khan. “We’re going Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Dark Order Unveil Their New Tour Bus

1 Submitted by on Mon, 03 May 2021, 08:00
Roach Branch, FL – All Elite Wrestling stable The Dark Order revealed their new tour bus in a ribbon-cutting ceremony earlier today. Gathered behind a Casey’s General Store, The Dark Order unveiled their previously owned 1972 Winnebago. The dust-covered recreational vehicle has over 400,000 miles, squeaky brakes, and a leaking radiator. Many questioned while the stable purchased such a vehicle. Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Garbage Bag Full Of Billie Kay’s Personal Items Sent To Wrong Address

5 Submitted by on Mon, 26 April 2021, 08:00
Sydney, FL – A garbage bag full of former WWE Superstar Billie Kay’s personal belongings was accidentally sent to a Sydney, Florida resident late last week. WWE recently came under fire after former wrestler Mickie James posted on social media about the billion-dollar company sending her personal items in a garbage bag. It appears that the same uncouth tactic was Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kevin Owens Awarded The Presidential Medal Of Freedom For Stunning Logan Paul

2 Submitted by on Mon, 19 April 2021, 08:00
Washington, DC – WWE Superstar Kevin Owens was awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom this weekend in a ceremony at the White House. Officials noted Owens’ Stunner on Youtuber Logan Paul as the main reason for receiving the highest civilian award of the United States. Paul, most famous for being a ghoulish jerk and having an extremely punchable face, appeared Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fan Thrilled To Have Missed Wrestlemania

6 Submitted by on Mon, 12 April 2021, 08:00
Tuscaloosa, AL – Lifetime WWE fan Ronald Van Der Plunk was relieved to wake up Monday morning with the realization that he had completely missed Wrestlemania. Morning sunlight filled Van Der Plunk’s bedroom with a buttery glow. Birds happily chirped outside of his window as a gentle breeze roused him from his slumber. A warm sense of satisfaction filled his Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Midnight Rose And Stubby Open An Illegal Casino In Paradise

2 Submitted by on Mon, 05 April 2021, 08:00
  Topeka, KS – Wrestling legend Midnight Rose and lovable ragamuffin Stubby stumbled through the pearly gates. They shielded their eyes from the bright lights and surveyed the land. “Wow, look at this place, man,” said Midnight Rose. “Real swanky. Everything’s so clean and smells really nice. Can you believe the guy up front didn’t even check our IDs?” “Tell Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Kip Sabian Is The Wizard

0 Submitted by on Mon, 29 March 2021, 08:00
  Hollywood, CA – AEW stars Miro, Penelope Ford, and Kip Sabian traveled to Universal Studios Hollywood this week to compete in Arcade Anarchy  against Orange Cassidy and Chuck Taylor. Officials revealed this week that Arcade Anarchy will, in fact, be a video game tournament. The winner will receive $50,000 and appear on the cover of Nintendo Power. The blood Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Britt Baker Loses Dental License After ‘Lights Out’ Match

1 Submitted by on Mon, 22 March 2021, 08:00
Harrisburg, PA – AEW star Dr. Britt Baker has lost her dentistry license following her brutal “Lights Out” match against Thunder Rosa. Baker, a dentist in the state of Pennsylvania, appeared virtually before the State Board of Dentistry on Friday. Members of the board discussed Baker’s conduct during last week’s match. “Dr. Baker, the members of this board viewed your Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Maki Itoh Wins All The Grammys

4 Submitted by on Mon, 15 March 2021, 08:00
Los Angeles, CA – AEW star Maki Itoh shocked the music world last night by taking home every single Grammy award. The 63rd Grammy Awards, held at the Los Angeles Staples Center, was unlike any other award ceremony in recent history. Due to the pandemic, most nominees were either social distanced or not physically present. The sparse audience allowed the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The Shockmaster Interrupts Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch

4 Submitted by on Mon, 08 March 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – The bloody battle between Kenny Omega and John Moxley was abruptly interrupted by AEW’s latest signing, The Shockmaster. The two biggest events in AEW’s history, the Exploding Barbed Wire Deathmatch and their latest signing, collided in spectacular fashion last night at Revolution. After a grueling bout that included rat traps, light tubes, and rubbing salt and vinegar Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Paul Wight Launches Marko Stunt Into The Sun

9 Submitted by on Mon, 01 March 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Newly signed AEW star Paul Wight made a splash this weekend after launching fellow wrestler Marko Stunt into the sun. Wight, formerly known as The Big Show in WWE, spent his Saturday introducing himself to members of the AEW roster. After reconnecting with old friends and glad-handing management, Wight met Stunt. Rather than shake Wight’s hand, Stunt Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Ric Flair – Lacey Evans Gender Reveal Party Goes To A Sixty Minute Broadway

7 Submitted by on Mon, 22 February 2021, 08:00
Charlotte, NC – A gender reveal party for Lacey Evans and Ric Flair’s child resulted in a time-limit draw with no clear winner. The amorous septuagenarian and the Sassy Southern Belle celebrated their unexpected conception in Flair’s backyard. Joining the happy couple were friends, family, and members of the Four Horsemen not currently under AEW contracts. Even Ric’s daughter, Charlotte Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Valentine’s Day Promotion Forces ThunderDome To Shut Down

1 Submitted by on Mon, 15 February 2021, 08:00
Orlando, FL – A Valentine’s Day event where fans show how much they love the WWE turned X-rated and forced the company to turn off the ThunderDome. The event, dubbed ‘Show Your Love For WWE’ was advertised as a chance for the WWE Universe to show their affections for the company. WWE officials got more than they bargained for as Continue Reading...
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Headlies: XFL’s Tampa Bay Vipers Win The Super Bowl

3 Submitted by on Mon, 08 February 2021, 08:00
Tampa Bay, FL – In an unprecedented turn of events, the XFL’s Tampa Bay Vipers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs to win their first ever Super Bowl. Led by quarterback Taylor “Corndog” Cornelius, the Vipers decimated Chiefs’ secondary. Crisp, tight spirals soared majestically through the air all night, netting a record seven touchdown passes. On the defensive side, former Super Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Peacock Wins The Royal Rumble

7 Submitted by on Mon, 01 February 2021, 08:00
St. Petersburg, FL – In a shocking turn of events, a man in a giant peacock costume won the Royal Rumble. With its iridescent coloration and expansive feathers, the large man-bird entered the Rumble at the coveted 30th spot. Confused and terrified, many Superstars eliminated themselves in an act of self-preservation. After extensive flexing, preening, and pecking, Peacock made short Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Shawn Michaels Pardoned For Barber Shop Window Incident

4 Submitted by on Mon, 25 January 2021, 08:00
Corpus Christi, TX – WWE legend Shawn Michaels received a full presidential pardon this week for the infamous Barber Shop Window incident in 1992. The event, which saw Michaels throw his Rockers partner Marty Janetty through a window, has been on Michaels’ record for decades. In a last-minute flurry of activity before leaving office, President Donald Trump issued a slew Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Reunited Bullet Club Members Struggle To Find New Name

5 Submitted by on Mon, 18 January 2021, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – A surprise reunion of former Bullet Club members on AEW’s New Year’s Smash has forced the former faction to create a new team name. The famous wrestling group primarily appeared in New Japan Pro-Wrestling, but due to strict copyright laws, AEW champion Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks, Luke Gallows, and Karl Anderson are now forced to use Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Trump Supporters Unable To Find And Storm WWE Hall Of Fame

13 Submitted by on Mon, 11 January 2021, 08:00
After several days of searching, a group of Donald Trump supporters were unable to find and storm the WWE Hall Of Fame. The six car and one 1997 Pontiac Astro Wagon caravan began their journey in Florida, slowly making their way up the East coast towards Connecticut. The poorly planned trip worked on the assumption that the much-advertised hall of Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Randy Orton Lights WWE Legend Moppy On Fire

6 Submitted by on Mon, 04 January 2021, 08:00
Orlando, FL – Randy Orton’s fire-fueled frenzy continued this week after he set beloved superstar Moppy ablaze during Legends Night. The gathering of legends, meant to honor former stars and definitely not to boost ratings, started off as expected. Icons such as Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, and Alicia Fox thanked the nonexistent crowd for their support and well wishes. Hillbilly Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Sammy Guevara Gets His Tongue Stuck To A Pole

2 Submitted by on Mon, 28 December 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Inner Circle member Sammy Guevara needed help from emergency rescue crews this weekend after getting his tongue stuck to a light pole. The AEW stable, rowdy from partying at Time Out Sports Grill, raised havoc throughout downtown Jacksonville. Signs were knocked over, Ubers were ordered then cancelled, and nurples were purpled. Teasing and pranks escalated on the Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Performs Santa With Muscles Table Read

4 Submitted by on Mon, 21 December 2020, 08:00
Stamford, CT – WWE officials, Superstars, and underlings gathered together to do a table reading of the holiday classic, Santa With Muscles. According to WWE COO Triple H, the special mandatory read-through was done to bring holiday spirit. He insisted it was definitely not for any other reason. “It’s been a tough year, we’re trying to put a smile on Continue Reading...
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Headlies: The General Confronts Brandi Rhodes

4 Submitted by on Mon, 14 December 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Insurance spokes-cartoon The General joined Papa John’s investor Shaquille O’Neal to confront AEW CBO Brandi Rhodes following the shocking water-splashing incident on Dynamite. O’Neal, the genius behind the album ‘Shaq Diesel’ was joined by the cartoon spokesman to confront Rhodes. AEW announcer Tony Schiavone was brought in to mediate the discussion. “At the request of AEW officials, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Moves To The Villages After Signing Sting

2 Submitted by on Mon, 07 December 2020, 08:00
The Villages, FL – All Elite Wrestling stunned the world for a second time this week after announcing that they would be moving their base of operations to The Villages. Known as ‘Florida’s Friendliest Active Adult Retirement Community’, The Villages is a sprawling age-restricted city. Community rules dictate that no one under 55 can live in The Villages, but AEW Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Triple H “Dressed As The Rock” Balloon Debuts At Greenwich Thanksgiving Day Parade

2 Submitted by on Mon, 30 November 2020, 08:00
Greenwich, CT – A giant balloon of WWE Hall of Famer Triple H dressed as The Rock debuted at this year’s Greenwich Thanksgiving Day Parade. The balloon, referencing the infamous in-ring segment where Degeneration-X impersonating The Nation of Domination, featured WWE Executive Vice President Triple H dressed up like beloved movie star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Sporting a fake wig, Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW To Release First-Person Psychological Horror Video Game

5 Submitted by on Mon, 16 November 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – In a phone call this morning, AEW CEO Tony Khan announced that AEW’s first video game will be a first-person psychological horror game and not a traditional wrestling game that many expected. “We here at AEW are all huge video game fans and we want to provide the fans something truly different,” said Khan. “A wrestling game Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Fans Dreading Election References During Monday Night Raw

7 Submitted by on Mon, 09 November 2020, 08:00
Washington, D.C. – The WWE Universe is bracing themselves for many painful lines and skits referencing the presidential election on this week’s Monday Night Raw. Apprehension grew over the weekend as rumors spread of WWE procuring hundreds of miniature American flags. Pictures of red, white, and blue fireworks  at the Amway Center have been shared on Twitter. An article by Continue Reading...
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Headlies: Teens Missing After Entering Haunted Impact Zone

6 Submitted by on Mon, 02 November 2020, 08:00
  Orlando, FL – Authorities are reporting that four local teenagers have been missing since Halloween night. Friends report last seeing the group entering the former home of TNA Wrestling, the Impact Zone. Rumors have been rampant that the old, decrepit wrestling location has been haunted since its closing in 2018. “We’re still trying to piece together exactly what happened,” Continue Reading...
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Headlies: AEW Begins Production Of ‘Newsies’ Musical With Wrestling Legends

2 Submitted by on Mon, 26 October 2020, 08:00
Jacksonville, FL – Building off of this past week’s Chris Jericho/MFJ musical number, All Elite Wrestling will now be producing their own version of the Broadway hit, Newsies. The musical, based off the 1992 Disney movie about the Newsboys Strike of 1899, will feature wrestling legends Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts in lead roles. “The response Continue Reading...
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Headlies: WWE Now Using “Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal” For All Decisions

5 Submitted by on Mon, 19 October 2020, 08:00
Stamford, CT – After the positive feedback from reintroducing WCW’s iconic “Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal” on NXT, WWE officials have agreed to start using the wheel to make all of their decisions. WWE CEO Vince McMahon revealed the new contraption at a meeting this morning. “The truth of the matter is, no matter what we do, we’ll always Continue Reading...
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