WWF Raw opens with stills recapping last Sunday’s SummerSlam main event. “Last Sunday”? Don’t they mean, “Last night”? Not this time, as this week’s WWF Raw airs Saturday night at 11pm thanks to the US Open. Anyway, Steve Austin won thanks to a low blow, but the Undertaker was a good sport about it. “That’s a man’s man right there”, said Jim Ross. But does he squeeze his own orange juice?
Too much chaw, and not enough snus! It’s time for WWF Raw: Special No-Steve-Austin Edition.
Vince McMahon walks down the ramp to boos. On “September twenty-seven [sic]” at WWF Breakdown, Vince promises to unveil his “brilliant, MacLee-avalian [sic] master plan”, guaranteeing that Stone Cold will lose the title.
McMahon calls The Undertaker, “a damned fool” and Kane, “r——ed” who should strike “terruh” in the hearts of the WWF—instead, they’re “two putrid p*ssies” (which does get censored). This draws out Taker and Kane ringside, , who chase the boss into the crowd.
Paul Ellering, whose shirt reads, “The Web RULES Y2K”, leads the Disciples of Apocalypse to the ring for their match against Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman. Jim Ross is surprised to see Blackman and Shamrock teaming up after Ken beat Steve up for no reason last WWF Raw.
Blackman handles the bald guys with his “educated feet” until the Kane interrupts the match and chokeslam him—again for no reason. It’s tough out there for a Blackman. Kane and Taker take turns hitting elbow drops while the DOA double-team Ken outside the ring. Jim Ross points out the “UFC-like submission hold” Undertaker puts on Blackman all the way back in 1998. Taker, of course, will spend the next two decades wrestling before deciding he’d always wanted to do MMA but it’s too late.
In a bathroom stall backstage, Val Venis shares a stall with a moaning woman. Gross! Are they doing number two together?
When WWF Raw Saturday Night returns, a replay airs of Vince calling Kane the r-word and both him and his brother p-words. Not wet-ass p-words, either, but putrid p-words. Kane’s dumpster sledgehammering of Mankind at SummerSlam also airs.
Val Venis enters as a fan holds up a sign about Monica Lewinsky’s stained dress (which tested positive for Bill Clinton’s DNA two weeks earlier). Venis compares his Valbowski to a dog before facing Vader, whom Jim Ross notes has lost a lot of weight since calling himself a big fat piece of s**t. During the match, Dustin Runnels pickets with a sign reading, “He’s coming back”, which completely baffles Jerry Lawler; Ross straightens him out: the “He” in question is a higher spiritual being. Lawler then squeezes in a topical reference to Northwest pilots, who are currently on strike.
Vader crashes down on Val’s upper thigh muscle, which Lawler thinks is a euphemism for his penis; Ross insists against it. The big man then climbs to the second rope and splashes onto Venis. However, thanks to either his weight loss or his demotion, Vader manages only a two-count. Before he can put away val, Bradshaw comes to the ring and stares him down. Soon, Kane and Undertaker return, leading Bradshaw to retreat before they destroy the two competitors (especially Vader).
Next, former Intercontinental Champion The Rock teams with Mark Henry to challenge the new tag champs, Billy Gunn and Road Dogg. Backstage, The Rock threatens not only to lay the smack down on the New Age Outlaws’ candy asses, but also to slap Michael Cole’s toupee off. Soon, Cole will cut his hair and frost his tips to prove it’s his real hair.
In the ring, The Rock grapples with each of the Outlaws before tagging out to Mark Henry, who last WWF Raw tried to kiss Chyna as The Nation restrained her. Jim Ross tries in vain to explain to concept of consent to Jerry Lawler, who isn’t getting it. Rocky tags back in and delivers the People’s Elbow to Road Dogg; Ross notes the surprising popularity of the move. A less popular move is the punch to the crotch, which Rock also gives Road Dogg before tagging back out.
Mark Henry chops his crotch at Road Dogg, who then avoids a splash. Both men then tag out, at which point Billy Gunn boosts his Spirit Meter with crotch chops. As he and Rock take their fight to the outside, Chyna rushes in and tackles Mark Henry, causing the third consecutive DQ via run-in. The Ninth Wonder of the World has to be restrained by the Outlaws but licks her lips at Henry.
Jim Ross teases a Tiger Ali Singh segment as a way to let viewers know it’s okay to go to bed now.
When WWF Raw returns, Singh says American men and women have no morals or self-respect, but he gets distracted by Babu munching on canned sardines. “You think that might be curry?” asks Lawler. No, it’s sardines, King. He just said so. This gives Tiger an idea, however: he will pay $500 to an American woman to French-kiss Babu. A braless woman volunteers, kisses Babu for a five count, and gets a bonus $100 out of it—but only after Tiger stalls and stalls in his counting. As Babu throws the money onto the canvas, Kane and Undertaker appear on the ramp (thanks to a conspicuous edit); the brothers chokeslam Babu and, despite Tiger’s best efforts, Tiger himself. Ross calls the duo the “Brothers of Destruction” for the first time.
Southern Justice face the Headbangers in a match that hopefully won’t end in another run-in. The big former hog farmers slam the former nuns around as Ross notes that their associate Jeff Jarrett will wrestle tonight with his new haircut. Thrasher makes a hot tag to Mosh, who is quickly put down with Dennis Knight’s finisher, the Problem Solver (formerly the Slop Drop—comment below on which name is stupider). The former Godwinns thus get the night’s first victory.
In the backstage area, Kane and Undertaker break down Vince McMahon’s door with a sledgehammer, but the boss isn’t in there.
The second hour of WWF Raw begins at midnight with D-Lo Brown defending his title against X-Pac. Pac hits the taunt button to kick off the match, then takes the champ down with kicks. D-Lo briefly makes a comeback, but X-Pac hits him with the X-Factor (at this point called a “face-first slam”). Earl Hebner then makes a ridiculously slow count, allowing Jeff Jarrett to run in and break up the pinfall. Jarrett sports a buzzcut and a shirt with his new slogan on it; Jerry Lawler, afraid to say the word, “piss” at 12:05am, tells us all not to tick Double J off.
The SummerSlam opponents brawl in the crowd while—who else?—Undertaker and Kane mosey to the ring to lay out D-Lo. Luckily, The Rock steps in and appears to tell Kane and Taker to know their roles, etc. Instead, they chokeslam Rock while Brown retreats.
The new Stone Cold “Bad to the Bonz” [sic] t-shirt is only $31.
The JVC Kaboom! of the Week is Edge’s double-team offense with Sable from last week’s SummerSlam mixed tag.
Jim Ross notes some “home video” that Marc Mero and Jacqueline will air tomorrow night on Sunday Night Heat. Not at 6:30pm they won’t! Oh yeah, Heat is airing half an hour earlier thanks to what Jim Ross earlier tonight called, “scintillating coverage” of the US Open. “Ooh, exciting”, adds the King sarcastically.
Mero faces the rookie Edge, who soon flattens the Marvelous One with a leap over the top rope to the floor. While on the outside, Gangrel ambushes Edge; as the two brawl in the ring, Marc Mero tries to exit but gets clotheslined by—well, you know who. Kane and Taker stomp Mero while the timekeeper furiously does not ring the bell. So is the match still going on or not?
Jim Ross narrates/conducts a sit-down interview with Al Snow and Head. Jim Ross wants to know how people are supposed to take him seriously with the head; Snow defends himself by rattling off a list of normal things he does without Head. For instance, he mows the lawn while all Head does is supervise. Clips from ECW and Smoky Mountain Wrestling, as well as failed WWF gimmicks like Avatar and Leif Cassidy, provide context for Snow’s strange wrestling journey.
WWF Raw returns with a shot of Kane and Undertaker roaming backstage. You don’t think they’ll interfere in any matches, do you?
The Insane Clown Posse rap the Oddities to the ring, where they are joined by a very happy Hawk in his LOD 2000 helmet. He, Animal, and Droz are scheduled to be the Oddities’ opponents tonight. His partners come to the ring, cheesed-off, while Hawk continues to try to dance with the ICP. When the clowns reject him, Hawk piunches them out, then tags himself into the match. As Hawk tags the wrong man into the ring, King notes that he didn’t even wear his wrestling gear tonight; Giant Silva powerbombs the Zubaz-clad Hawk to pick up the victory. Disgusted, Droz and Animal leave their inebriated partner behind.
WWF Raw Saturday Night returns to the sight of Taker and Kane beating up some guy backstage.
Next, Too Much face two of the Boricuas (not Savio). No, this is not Shotgun Saturday Night. Jesús and Miguel start off the match with stereo atomic drops, then dropkick Brian Christopher to the outside. Dropkick me Jesús through the ring posts of life! Too Much turn things around when Brian, on the apron, yanks Jesús by the hair to the mat. Meanwhile, Jim Ross gets on Lawler’s case about Brian being Jerry’s son; the King responds by accusing Ross of believing everything he reads on the Internet. This being 1998, and both men being in their late 40s, both he and Jim refer to WWF’s official webpage, as they don’t know any other sites.
Miguel gets the hot tag and has the match well in hand after a double powerbomb, but Christopher hits the Tennessee Jam during the pinfall (with the ref’s back turned). Scott Taylor gets the pin for his team. At this point in the night, it’s frankly an insult for Kane and Undertaker not to bother interfering in your match.
Jeff Jarrett is back with his custom-made shirt to face Scorpio, whom he warns not to look him in the eye lest he piss him off. It’s the main event of the evening, going head to head in many markets against Shotgun’s main event of Kaientai vs. Julio Sanchez & Steve Corino. Lawler notes that Jeff Jarrett now shares a hairstyle with his his wife Jill (who has cancer. Jeez). Scorpio baseball slides Jarrett, whom Ross declares, “Out”. In this metaphor, though, Scorpio should be the runner and Jarrett should be the base.
Later, Jarrett counters a huracanrana with a powerbomb. Scorpio breaks out of a chinlock and signals for a moonsault (both of which get enhanced pops), but Jarrett avoids his aerial offense. Double J superplexes Scorpio and covers him, but X-Pac runs in. Jarrett stops his pin just before the three-count to brawl with X-Pac into the crowd, causing a disqualification. At least Kane and Undertaker didn’t come down this time.
Kane and Undertaker come down and double-team Scorpio as Vince McMahon, pleased to have lit a fire under the Brothers of Destruction, appears on stage, pleased as Punch. The brothers spike Scorpio with a tombstone, then set their sights on McMahon himself, who retreats backstage.
Final tally:
6 run-in finishes