WWF Raw begins with Steve Austin banging on Vince McMahon’s door, demanding he come to the ring within 60 seconds.
Too much gall, and not enough spine! It’s time for WWF Raw is War. Aaaand the 60 seconds are up.
“Highway to Hell” plays over the PA while a hearse backs up onto the arena floor. The announcers assume it’s The Undertaker driving, but it’s actually Stone Cold. The WWF champion pulls a casket out of the back of the hearse and dumps it onto the arena floor, where he pulls a can of beer out of it. Do you think the funeral home people are at all suspicious about what the WWF wants all these caskets and hearses for? Or do they just chalk it up to all the premature wrestler deaths?
Austin tells Vince he had one minute to get to the ring (it has been exactly four), and if he didn’t, Stone Cold would stay in the ring and drink the rest of the beers in his coffin 24-pack. Instead, Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and Commissioner Slaughter walk out on stage. Finally, the boss himself walks to the ring with stooges in tow.
Steve says Vince must be pleased that he and Undertaker lost the tag team titles last week. “Not really”, says McMahon, concealing a smirk. Austin says he’s glad he doesn’t have to team with his SummerSlam opponent, then threatens to kick Vince in the rectum before stuffing both him and The Undertaker into the hearse.
Ken Shamrock comes to the ring for his Triple Threat with Dan Severn and Owen Hart. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler promises a live statement from the White House. Severn and Shamrock stare each other down before the commercial.
When WWF Raw returns, Owen Hart rushes the ring and tackles Shamrock. While Severn stands back, Owen and Ken go at it; these two men will wrestle in a Lion’s Den match at the theater adjacent to Madison Square Garden, where fans can also watch the rest of SummerSlam. After three and a half minutes of Hart and Shamrock one on one, Severn finally intervenes to break up Ken’s pinfall, leading Ken to get in Dan’s face. Hart then sneaks up from behind and German-suplexes Shamrock for a two-count.
When Ken catches Owen in an ankle lock, The Beast puts Shamrock in a dragon sleeper. Owen Hart, rather than breaking up the submission, just kicks his SummerSlam opponent until he passes out in the chokehold. Severn wins the match with a single move, which is best for everyone, but refuses to release the hold until Steve Blackman shows up. Now it’s Blackman’s turn to get choked out; only a swarm of stooges can break it up. After Hart and Severn exit together, Shamrock and Blackman come to, at which point Ken almost snaps, thinking Blackman had choked him out or something.
Steve Austin does a voiceover for WWF WarZone commercial. It is now available on N64 and Game Boy; guess which console’s footage they air. (Hint: it’s not the Game Boy version, where everyone has black hair and either trunks or a singlet)
It’s time for the Brawl for All, where the Godfather makes his entrance with three ladies. But the bigger story is that Jerry Lawler has “The President” on the phone; the same Bill Clinton impersonator from WrestleMania X and Survivor Series 1995 is back to make Monica Lewinsky jokes. Bart Gunn is out next as Jim Ross reminds fans to be nice to the wrestlers because they’re “out of their element”. Not so nice is The Godfather, who refuses to offer Gunn his hos.
Much of round one consists of a single attempt by Bart Gunn to take down The Godfather, which ends when Godfather grabs the ropes. Punches are thrown, and the crowd is buzzing, unlike most every other Brawl For All bout. Would you believe this episode has had six days of post-production work?
In round two, Bart tries another takedown to no avail before a boxing match ensues; Godfather traps Gunn in the corner but punches himself out. He is then mostly defenseless against Bart’s punches, including one that knocks him down right at the bell; replays of this punch air from different angles.
At the outset of round three, Bart leads with an unofficial score of 20 to 0, but within seconds he knocks Godfather out with a right hook, rendering the score moot. Godfather’s only saving grace is that he just missed snapping the bottom rope with his head. After the bout, Bart Gunn gets in Jim Ross’s face about respect.
Backstage, Ken Shamrock and Steve Blackman tear up a room. Shamrock then struggles to kick open a door, rather than simply pushing the handle like Blackman. Next, Gangrel makes his WWF Raw debut. “Vince, I know you were telling me to get that line…” says Jerry Lawler before the feed cuts out. While this episode is pre-taped, a lot of the commentary apparently isn’t.
After WWF Raw returns, Michael Cole informs us that Dan “Sevrin” is Owen Hart’s trainer for the Lion’s Den match.
Gangrel ascends through flames in the stage, holding “some sort of medieval goblet” full of “liquid, whatever the heck it is”. The announcers struggle to describe Gangrel without using the word, “vampire”, which is apparently verboten. Thus, Lawler calls Gangrel, “some kind of animal” or “creature” with fangs who “looks like one of those Lost Boys”, while Jiim Ross calls him a “weird son of a gun”. Seen in the crowd is Edge, who is seated on a balcony to watch this match.
With the spotlight shining on Edge, Brian Christopher attacks Gangrel from behind; last night, this “weird human being” beat Brian’s partner Scott Taylor. Gangrel quickly puts Too Sexy away with a DDT.
Michael Cole is backstage to speak with Steve Blackman and Ken Shamrock, who it seems were so anxious to speak with Cole that they broke down doors just to get to their interview sooner.
Before the commercial, Jerry Lawler promises another word with “Mr. President” as a graphic of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky appears on screen.
WWF Raw returns to a backstage brawl between DX and The Nation (who dropped the “of Domination” from their name some time ago). Both factions, who will face off in a street fight later tonight, are wearing jeans.
The Disciples of Apocalypse face the World’s Blackest Tag Team, Scorpio and Faarooq. On the phone, The President touts his performance on the economy, crediting his success to oral sex. He has to leave in a hurry to address the nation (not the one led by The Rock), but he’ll be back.
Scorpio unloads an impressive flurry of offense, but that’s not the point; some matches are for the story, and some matches are just a backdrop for the announcers to talk about other stories, and this match is the latter. Case in point: the DX-Nation brawl that they’ve cut away to during this match, spills onto the stage.
Not only is the referee completely distracted while Scorpio hits a 450 splash, but so is the audience; this allows the DOA to perform Twin Magic and pin Scorpio with a small package. (Yes, this is one of those rare occasions when “Scorpio” and “small package” appear in the same sentence).
WWF Raw returns with another shot of the triple doors that Ken Shamrock hates so much; the announcers await the arrival of The Undertaker to the arena.
DX are out near the top of the hour, armed with trash cans. Their lids have “X” spray-painted on them, as my neighbors’. Are they in DX too? Billy Gunn acts as an extra set of arms for Triple H as the DX leader prepares the audience to suck it.
The Rock, who defends the IC title against Triple H in a ladder match at SummerSlam, brings a red, Razor Ramon-style ladder to the ring. His group, however, is at a disadvantage thanks to Owen Hart’s exit and the Godfather’s KO. Both groups smack each other with trash cans, lids, and cookie sheets. Jim Ross notes the likelihood of concussions in this match.
The Rock attempts a cookie sheet-assisted People’s Elbow on Road Dogg, but he accidentally kicks the sheet away during the proceedings. Double J, who faces X-Pac at SummerSlam, then comes to ringside to give The Nation an unfair 4-on-4 advantage. A clothesline to X-Pac results in a brawl between the two SummerSlam opponents, which brings Southern Justice down to ringside as well. Triple H dukes it out with his old nemesis Henry Godwinn while Jim Ross notes that there’s “certainly no collusion between The Nation and Jarrett and Southern Justice, that’s for sure”. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that. Jarrett cuts off a bit of X-Pac’s hair in the fracas.
Meanwhile, The Nation triple-teams Triple H in the ring with the ladder and miscellaneous plunder. Rocky even sets up a ladder over the fallen Triple H to add bad luck to injury. With Triple H bleeding from the mouth, The Nation leaves without bothering to pin him.
Tiger Ali Singh now arrives with his oversized suit and manservant (who is normal size). He calls Americans lazy and fat, as opposed to himself, his people, and his manservant Abu (who is wearing a sweatsuit). Cue a montage of Abu’s physical fitness routine. Now, Tiger offers $500 cash to anyone who will lick Abu’s feet; the cameras zoom in on the money, which is actually $700.
As a volunteer (with a bandaid on his head) steps over the railing, Jerry Lawler notes that Abu’s toe jam will be especially disgusting because he is Asian. Well I don’t know about the racism, but Abu does appear to have tuna or something between his toes. Anyway, the American walks away $500-700 richer.
A recap airs of last night’s Jacqueline-Sable verbal battle on Sunday Night Heat, where the following things were established as cheap: Sable’s favorite wine, Jacqueline’s perfume, and Jacqueline’s rates as an escort. Tonight, they’ll arm-wrestle.
Sable comes to the ring carrying her stolen bikini contest trophy, which she had previously taken from Jackie and given to Luna. But now, she’s taken it back for herself. One fan holds a sign reading, “Sable We Love You” with a custom-made Sable doll (a re-purposed Barbie) taped to it. “The lovely Sable” (as Tony Chimel calls her), dares Jacqueline to take her trophy back.
Jacqueline and Sable prepare to lock up for their arm-wrestling contest, but Jackie pulls away right before it begins. Surprisingly, this is all the stalling she does (perhaps due to edits for time). The two women go back and forth until Jackie lets go and shoves the table into Sable’s gut. She then smashes the trophy over Sable before the Oddities rush in and very slowly pull Sable to her feet.
Tonight, Val Venis will run a train… I mean, a gauntlet against Kaientai. His prize? Five minutes in the ring with Mr. Yamaguchi. Well, we know they’re not going to dedicate five minutes to an undercard match on WWF Raw, let alone to a post-match segment, so I don’t like Val’s chances, even he does promise in so many words to chop off Yamaguchi’s thingy.
In another edition of Droz’s World, Darren Drozdov gives us a tour of his tattoos, including one of Odie the dog getting shot in the head.
WWF Raw returns with another shot of the triple doors, this time with some guy sitting at a desk.
Droz, canicidal tattoos and all, faces Bradshaw in the other Brawl For All semifinal. Bradshaw has experience in barroom brawling, according to the Tale of the Tape, but Droz has tattoos and vomit. Both men flail wildly at each other, Bradshaw more successfully.
In round two, Droz lands a punch on Bradshaw, drawing “oohs” from the canned audience. Droz also scores a questionable takedown on Bradshaw to score additional points.
Round three comes and goes, along with a fake ovation from the crowd, and Bradshaw wins on points.
Jerry Lawler then narrates a montage of Al Snow’s antics; despite Too Much beating Al (and Head) two months ago, Snow is back in the WWF. Wearing a JOB Squad t-shirt, Al sits at a bar and yells at Head that it’s too drunk to drive.
The camera stationed at the triple doors is now on the floor, though the guy at the desk is still on duty. Meanwhile, Sable is on the warpath backstage. Stay tuned to WWF Raw for further updates on the triple doors.
Dustin Runnels once again warns the viewers against watching the upcoming Val Venis segment, instead urging them to read a book like Oliver Twist or the Bible.
Austin’s hearse is still here, and Stone Cold has, according to JR, promised that the Undertaker will be leaving “vertical” in it. This hearse doesn’t look seven feet tall, so I doubt it.
Sable is back, probably to call Jacqueline a bitch. “Jackie, you bitch!” says Sable. “Get your ass out here, ‘cause you and me are gonna fight!” Immediately, Jacqueline (with Marc Mero) appears on the Titantron to decline the challenge. Instead, she and Marc challenge Sable to a mixed tag match with a partner of her choice.
Along the way, Jackie calls Sable a ho and a wench, and herself “the Brown Bomber”. For any number of reasons, that moniker did not catch on. The Oddities then storm Mero and Jackie’s dressing room making monster noises. Hopefully for those two, Sable won’t pick any of the giants she’s friends with.
Michael Cole confirms that The Undertaker is at the arena; despite the constant surveillance of the triple doors, the cameraman captures no footage of it.
Val Venis is now here, armed with a giant pink watergun, to face Kaientai. Eagle-eyed viewers will note that this is the Super Soaker CPS 2000, the very same model (and most likely the very same gun) that Billy Gunn sprayed Sable with in a commercial earlier this year, but painted flesh color. This segment is designed for those fans who didn’t pick up on the innuendo in that ad. JR warns Jerry Lawler that his Mama’s watching, so he should cut it out with the “pink torpedo” and “love gun” business. Val cuts a promo addressing Bill Clinton (aka Mr. President) before Kaientai enters.
First up is Mens Teioh, who gets pinned with a fisherman’s suplex. Funaki gets beaten immediately when Val catches him with a powerslam. Mr. President gets back on the phone to make some more BJ jokes, during which time Dick Togo kicks out of a powerbomb. Venis later fells him with a stronger powerbomb and the Money Shot. Finally, Taka Michinoku comes down for the longest match of the series, hitting Venis with the Michinoku Driver to deliver Val his first loss.
Mr. Yamaguchi brings bride into the ring to give Val a slap. In this “limp state”, says Ross, Venis is helpless. However, as Kaientai celebrate, Venis grabs his pink Super Soaker (the one made of plastic) and sprays Kaientai and especially Mrs. Yamaguchi with what, through references to DNA and stained dresses, is supposed to be reproductive fluid. It’s a good thing she’s an adult and not 17 years old. Back-to-school season means this is Mrs. Yamaguchi’s last appearance.
You all remember when Val Venis was nearly emasculated, but do you remember when he sprayed Kaientai with simulated semen? #wwe #attitudeera
— Art O’Donnell (@art0donnell.bsky.social) March 16, 2025 at 4:57 PM
At 11:02 EST, The Undertaker’s music, pyro, and fog go off, but he’s nowhere to be found. Finally, the announcers spot him at ringside, as does the camera man, who shoots him only from behind. Taker turns his back to Austin until Kane’s pyro goes off. “Taker” then turns around to reveal his Kane mask and chokeslam Austin. Lawler thinks that it’s the Undertaker dressed like Kane again, but Jim Ross is pretty sure it really is Kane… probably.
The two brawl through the crowd until Austin throws him into the hearse. When he tries to open the driver’s door, The Undertaker is in the driver’s seat. This proves Taker and Kane are in cahoots, says Jerry Lawler. Taker drives off as Austin looks confused.
Final tally:
0 Vampires
1 JR’s Mama (Year total: 9)
2 Undertakers