WWF Raw opens with Mankind tearing up the boiler room, ranting about how he can handle the truth. Jack Nicholson wouldn’t stand a chance. The Undertaker’s chair shot to Foley on last week’s WWF Raw, plus his attack while dressed as Kane on Heat, are aired.
Too much cud, and not enough cows! It’s time for WWF Raw.
Mankind storms the ring and begs Vince McMahon for answers. Sitting on the mat and rocking back and forth, he hands Vince the microphone when the boss enters. McMahon says he despises people like Mankind: sick, weak, and needy. Vince reiterates his belief that Kane and The Undertaker are in collusion, drawing Kane himself to the ring.
Paul Bearer harangues McMahon for poisoning his son’s mind, then threatens the leave the WWF with Kane. Vince, however, is more concerned with the man under the mask, whom he thinks is The Undertaker in disguise. When he tries to take off Kane’s mask, the lights go out. Twenty seconds later, the lights go up, revealing The Undertaker, who is in his wrestling gear goozling McMahon. Jerry Lawler, who apparently thinks Taker can strip and get dressed in twenty seconds’ time, says Vince was right.
Tonight, Taker and Austin defend their tag team titles against the Outlaws, Kane & Mankind, and Rock & Owen.
Also tonight will be a “joint” press conference with Val Venis and fellow adult film actor and penectomy victim John Wayne Bobbitt. Ninety-nine percent or more of all jokes about “joint” this or that are about weed, but in this case, it’s about re-joining a severed penis to the body.
Backstage, The Undertaker opens a locker room door, where Kane can be seen briefly. Or at least, someone dressed as Kane. Maybe The Undertaker?
Next, Sable is out to announce the participants in tonight’s opening match. If she comes back in an hour and a half, she can announce the second match, as well. First is Luna, who is accompanied to the ring by the Oddities. She fits right in with the Oddities—two giants, one large man with a deformed skull, and now, a woman with an odd haircut. Luna faces Jacqueline when WWF Raw returns.
Jackie comes to the ring with her bikini trophy and Marc Mero. She and Luna’s physical altercation last week reminds Jim Ross of Monica Lewinsky and Hillary “Rod-Ham” Clinton. This week, Jacqueline delivers a blatant knee to the Luna’s groin while the referee’s back was turned. When she ascends the turnbuckles, however, Sable shakes the ropes, dropping her crotch-first on the top rope. It’s been a rough thirty seconds for vulvae. Luna beats Jacqueline with a top-rope leg drop, and Sable presents her with the bikini trophy as a prize.
Michael Cole is backstage to get an update on The Undertaker/Kane situation; he says that Stone Cold has to be careful of Taker and his six opponents. What a scoop!
The Oddities’ theme keeps playing as cinematic footage of Undertaker and Austin plays. The ICP gives way to AC/DC, as the Highway to Hell airs (in part) for the first time. Jerry Lawler can be heard talking to the production truck. “Hey, Kevin”, says the King before his mic is muted.
After the break, the New Age Outlaws arrive at the arena without the rest of DX.
Up next is WWF Raw’s next match, which isn’t a match at all, but a Brawl for All. This one features Droz, who advances because he fought Hawk to a draw but broke the Road Warrior’s nose, and Savio Vega, who demolished Brakus.
In round one, Savio takes down Droz, but a subsequent stumble by Vega to the mat is ruled a “slip” and doesn’t count as a knockdown. The fans boo in between rounds. Jim Ross reminds viewers that both men have “very limited boxing skills”, which wouldn’t be an issue except that they’re in a boxing match. Ross puts over the Brawl For All huge, saying these guys are all trying their best as something they suck at.
In round two, a takedown by Droz pops the crowd; in marked contrast to last round’s booing, the crowd reaction between rounds two and gets upgraded to “silence”. Droz looks like he’s about to knock out Vega but punches himself out with just a few seconds remaining. Regardless, he wins on points.
Before WWF Raw goes to break, Triple H and Chyna show up in their car.
Afterwards, Michael Cole asks Chyna for a word on the rumors that DX might split. Chyna does have a word. Indeed, two words: Suck it. She then pushes Cole into her convertible.
The Legion of Doom are out next for the evening’s second wrestling match! Seconds into their entrance, the pyro spooks Hawk, who loses his balance and falls off the stage. Animal takes off his helmet and yells at his partner as Jerry Lawler claims it was an accident. WWF Raw abruptly cuts to commercial.
Another 60 Minutes parody for Sunday Night Heat gives way to a scene at ringside, where officials insist Hawk is too drunk to wrestle Southern Justice. Last night on Heat, Jeff Jarrett and Southern Justice triple-teamed Tennessee Lee. Jerry Lawler compares the split to the rift between old country music (like George Jones) and new country music (like Garth Brooks, Sawyer Brown, and Shania Twain). Double J is Shania Twain.
Southern Justice nonetheless come to the ring for what will presumably be a handicap match. Hawk gets into a fistfight with Dennis Knight before referees haul him off, allowing Southern Justice to double-team Animal. Droz then rushes to the ring and evens the sides. With the ring cleared except for Drozdov, Jeff Jarrett sneaks in with a guitar reading, “Don’t piss me off!” and smashes Droz in the head with it. “Did you see what that guitar said?” asks Ross.
“Yeah”, says Lawler. “Don’t piss me off”. Jarrett then cuts off some of Droz’s hair. Hopefully this new hair-cutting tactic won’t come back to bite Double J. Eh, it probably won’t.
X-Pac arrives at the arena alone when WWF Raw goes to break.
The Outlaws, X-Pac, and Triple H & Chyna all make their respective entrances as speculation mounts that they will split. Jerry Lawler compares Chyna to Yoko Ono, who broke up the Beatles. If we are to extend this metaphor, Billy Gunn is George Harrison, who is tired of X-Pac bossing him around and ( along with Triple H) refusing to play his songs.
Triple H starts to speak, but X-Pac interrupts to tell him he’s sick of him and his “bitch”. He then calls the duo, “a couple of jack-offs”.
“Let me get this straight,” says Triple H. “I’m a jack-off. She’s a jack-off, I’m a jack-off. You think we’re jack-offs.” Be that as it may, X-Pac is “the biggest jack-off in the world”. On the subject of jack-offs, Hunter also notes that the New Age Outlaws are “a couple of the biggest jack-offs” he’s ever met.
Billy Gunn is incredulous that Triple of all people would call him a jack-off. Yes, says Road Dogg, he did call Billy a jack-off, but he also called Road Dogg a jack-off. They’re jack-offs?
Triple H is steadfast; not only is X-Pac a jack-off, but Billy Gunn is a jack-off, and Road Dogg is a jack-off. “Supposedly”, Hunter continues, Chyna is a jack-off, and he himself is a jack-off. Therefore, everyone in the ring is a jack-off. And since they all think they’re jack-offs, they should go through with “the DX split”.
All four men then bend over and begin to drop trou before Chyna gets on the mic. “She’s talkin’!” says Jerry Lawler in disbelief, despite having heard her tell Michael Cole to suck it not half an hour ago.
“She’s not a mute”, notes Ross, reminding Lawler. Chyna says people are sick of seeing those four guys’ asses. Therefore, she will take it upon herself to initiate a DX split, dropping her breeches and spanking herself.
“We all bit hook, line, and sinker”, says Jim Ross with resignation. He’s especially disappointed in Chyna, who is supposed to be the mature one. The guys go around mooning everyone until Triple H tries in vain to get an unseen audience member to take her top off.
Back on WWF Raw, (or the WarZone, as Michael Cole notes at the top of the hour), Stone Cold drags Michael Cole into the showers and turns on the water in response to a simple inquiry.
Given that it’s now 10pm and all the children are in bed (except those in the Central Time Zone), the Godfather is here with three escorts; he will compete in tonight’s second wrestling match. Jim Ross calls the former Kama, kind of an “upscale pimp” with hos from Omaha. “Oma-hos”, if you will. Jerry Lawler disagrees, saying that there aren’t any good-looking women in Omaha. Has the Godfather brought these women in from out of town, or even out of state? That feels even more illegal than the standard prostitution.
Bart Gunn shows up at the announce desk to tell Jim Ross to show him some respect after knocking out Dr. Death, instead of making excuses. Ross stands up and tells Gunn he was the better man that night, then tells him to go fight the Godfather if he’s so eager to get respect.
But Gunn will have to wait his turn; Vader, who has now dipped below Bart Gunn in terms of relevance, steps into the ring to face the Godfather. The pimp asks Vader whether he’s ever been with a ho, or if he even knows what a ho is, then offers him a night with them in exchange for a forfeit. “Well, two out of three ain’t bad”, says Lawler, implying that one of the three hos is ugly. I know which one he’s talking about, but it’s still mean.
Vader initially refuses until the Godfather clarifies that the deal is for all three hos. Vader, who has somehow cut his middle finger, accepts the offer. While Jim Ross struggles not to visualize the events about to proceed, Vader gets in Bart Gunn’s face and tells him to take the hos instead of fighting the Godfather next week.
In response, Gunn knocks Vader out, then goes after the Godfather. Referees intervene, however, and the Godfather walks away with the hos (apparently reneging on his deal with Vader).
In the parking garage, a limousine pulls up with Val Venis and John Bobbitt inside. They’re about to have their “joint” press conference; Jerry Lawler claims the news will show “clips” and “cutaways” of this all week. WWF Raw goes to commercial.
Dustin Runnels, bathed in glowing white light, addresses the WWF Raw audience, warning them of the subject matter of the next segment and encouraging them to watch the Discovery Channel instead. The former Goldust reminds parents that “He is coming back” before an on-screen graphic notes that this message was paid for by a group with the acronym EATME (Evangelists Against Television, Movies, and Entertainment).
John Bobbitt pushes Val Venis down the ramp in a wheelchair, accompanied by the young (young) Mrs. Yamaguchi. Jim Ross doesn’t know exactly what went down last week, but he assumes Kaientai “got the job done” (“the job” meaning “cutting off Val’s penis). “Get a real dick!” yells a fan as a despondent Val Venis makes various puns about snakes and living by the sword. However, it’s all a ruse; Val’s venis is still intact after all. Val strips off his clothes but struggles to remove his right pant leg.
Venis explains that because he had shrunk due to the cold, and because John Bobbitt (who happened to be in the arena that night) cut the lights at just the right time, Yamaguchi’s katana missed its mark.
Lawler then gets a few words from John Wayne Bobbitt, who stumbles over some dick jokes. Bobbitt, of course, is famous for having his own member severed by his wife back in 1993. But it turned out, Bobbitt was so awful a person that, despite his wife Lorena admitting to cutting off his penis, the twelve jurors (including men) agreed that she had a point and acquitted her. All Jerry cares about, though, is getting to make a milk carton joke that he’d been holding onto for the past five years.
Val Venis then dumps Mrs. Yamaguchi for causing her all sorts of problems—Who’d have thought flirting with a married woman and then having sex with her and filming it and then showing the film of you having sex with her to her husband on national TV would have consequences? “Adios”, says Val to his Japanese lover (instead of sayonara), then tosses her an AA battery. Jim Ross doesn’t know what that means at first.
Next on WWF Raw, Bradshaw faces Marc Mero, who has advanced because Steve Blackman, who beat him soundly in the first round, is injured. Surely he will fare better against a guy who towers over him and outweighs him by 75 pounds or so. The announcers do their best to make the fight look even after round one.
Mero outclasses Bradshaw, who is prone to flailing wildly, but still gets taken down repeatedly. Mero complains that Bradshaw “didn’t f**king break”, and the referee apparently waves off one of the takedowns.
Due to a draw at the end of three rounds, judges order a fourth and deciding round (which they didn’t do for Droz vs. Hawk). Bradshaw scores a takedown to win. Only three more of these fights left!
Michael Cole is backstage when WWF returns, asking The Undertaker for an explanation of his actions earlier tonight. Taker brushes him off, which is still Cole’s most positive interaction tonight.
Entrances begin for tonight’s main event, the second wrestling match of the broadcast. Jim Ross explains that the “Outlaw rule” is in effect, barring two partners from pinning each other to win the match. This implies that tonight’s match will be contested under sudden death rules, rather than elimination. It would be funny, though, for the Outlaws to pin each other tonight and eliminate themselves. The Outlaws do their pre-match schtick, leading Jerry Lawler to say they’re “more over than ever”. Quit with the insider terms, smark!
Before the entrances even conclude, Ken Shamrock (with Steve Blackman) sneaks in and takes out Owen Hart, while the rest of DX shows up to fight The Rock.
When WWF Raw returns from its last commercial, Kane walks down the ramp with Paul Bearer and, trailing far behind, Mankind. The Undertaker is the next down the ramp, then Stone Cold. Jim Ross notes that four champions are in this match; this consolidation of star power might explain why this is the only men’s wrestling match on this two-hour show.
The match’s rules state that only two men are allowed in the ring at once, and they may tag out to anyone they’d like. This doesn’t explain why anyone would tag out to another team, since you can only win if you’re in the ring, but you can lose while waiting on the apron.
Road Dogg covers D’Lo Brown (Owen’s substitute), who kicks out about a half a second two later; luckily, Earl Hebner helpfully missed the canvas on his third count, and the match continues.
Eventually, Stone Cold tags in, gets a big pop, then tags out to The Undertaker, which also gets a pop; all this is done at the expense of Billy Gunn. Gunn tags out to Austin, putting the two champions in the ring with each other. Rather than fight his partner, Stone Cold beats on Gunn some more, then tags out to Road Dogg.
The Rock delivers the People’s Elbow to Road Dogg, hitting a crotch chop in the as part of the ceremonies, but Steve Austin breaks up the pin. Mankind tags in and spits on Austin as Ross notes Kane’s non-involvement from the action thus far. Dogg tags out to Taker, resulting in a “pier-sixer” with most of the match’s participants brawling in the ring. Mankind discreetly tags Kane, who pins his brother after a single chokeslam to win the titles. Well that’s suspicious! Austin agrees, looking at Taker in disbelief as the Phenom looks disappointed.
Final tally:
Jack-offs: 19
Wrestling matches: 2
WrestleCrap inductions: 4