WWF Raw – August 3rd, 1998 – Sports Arena – San Diego, CA
Too much Judds, and not enough Shires! It’s time for WWF Raw!
The Nation comes to the ring to open the show. Last night on the premiere episode of Sunday Night Heat, The Rock and Owen Hart beat Kane and Mankind by countout, thus earning a tag team title shot tonight. Now, they’re telling Austin and Undertaker to bring their candy asses to the ring (though technically, The Rock is the only one saying that).
The increasingly irrelevant Commissioner Slaughter comes to the ring to put a stop to the proceedings, but the tag team champions soon appear and brawl with the Nation. At least Austin does; Undertaker gets distracted by Kane while Rock and Owen stomp Austin. Mankind and Taker get into a punch-out while Austin fends off his challengers; Owen catches one Stunner, but Rock bails out before a second one. Meanwhile, the rest of the Nation politely stands at ringside.
Tonight, “in a match that could drive a wedge between DX” (hehehe “wedge”), Triple H will face X-Pac for an Intercontinental title shot.
But first, Marc Mero and Jacquelyn come down to the ring. The announcers clarify that the trophy Marc is carrying is for winning the bikini contest (and I’ll clarify that it’s Jacquelyn who was in the contest, not Marc). Mero’s opponent is Golga, who is in fact John “Earthquake” Tenta under a mask. To Marc’s surprise, though, Sable is accompanying the big man. “What is a beautiful, voluptuous, luscious-looking lady like Sable doing with a freak of nature like that?” asks a confused and horny Jerry Lawler. The announcers also note the absence of the Jackyl, the Oddities’ former manager.
The second part of Sable’s “surprise” sees Kurrgan sing the Miss America song. Luna Vachon walks out in a dress as Kurrgan and Silva, clad in tuxedos, escort her to the ring.
When WWF Raw comes back from break, Marc Mero has his hands full with Golga while Sable talks about what nice people the Oddities are once you get to know them. “I choose not to judge people on their outward appearance”, she says. Mero dishes out lots of offense, which Golga no-sells. The big masked man literally walks all over Mero until Jacqueline grabs his leg; Luna bashes Jackie with her bouquet, and while the referee is occupied with the fracas, Silva chokeslams Mero. Jim Ross estimates the giant’s height at seven-foot-five.
Golga pins Mero with the Earthquake Splash, then celebrates with the other Oddities and Sable to the strains of the Insane Clown Posse. Kurrgan even does a little dance. The King said he likes the music, then questions how someone as square as Jim Ross could recognize it as ICP.
A new line of WWF STOMP (Special Tactical Operations Military Police) action figures debuts with an underwater theme.
Before WWF Raw continues with the Brawl For All, we see a replay of the brawl from earlier tonight. The announcers note that The Undertaker left Austin high and dry, whether justified or not.
The Godfather then comes to the ring with three escorts. “Whoa!” says Jerry after seeing a reverse camera angle of one of the ladies. As if the presence of kayfabe prostitutes didn’t already undermine the legitimacy of the Brawl For All, the WWF then airs clips of the Godfather getting beaten by Dan Severn, who has backed out of the tournament. Thus, the loser of that match advances. When opponent Scorpio enters the ring, and after an obvious edit, the Godfather offers him a night with his “three of [his] finest hos” if he forfeits the fight (which despite the best efforts of the WWF to have you believe otherwise, is real). Scorpio polls the crowd but ultimately chooses to fight.
The announcers make excuses for Dr. Death’s loss, citing his torn hamstring, as some rather nondescript boxing ensues. Before round two, JR flubs his lines, which Lawler blames on the hos showing up on his monitor. Before round three, Ross notes that Steve Blackman suffered an injury that could knock him out of the tournament. Round three features a takedown by The Godfather and a chant of “Boring!” Thus the WWF’s new explicit pimp character beats its former implied pimp character.
Backstage, the New Age Outlaws express their determination to win back their titles. Billy Gunn in particular vows to keep “sticking it in your face” over and over again before telling his opponents (Kane and Mankind) to suck it.
A parody of a 60 Minutes commercial airs for Sunday Night Heat, which airs during the same time slot. Years later, Andy Rooney, no doubt bitter, would call wrestling fans too stupid to vote. And now he’s dead! So there.
Speaking of the USA Network’s Sunday night lineup, a commercial airs for Pacific Blue. On next week’s episode, Triple H guest-stars as a security guard for a criminal adult film studio with an underage star.
A giant inflatable Steve Austin stands in the parking lot as the announcers read tonight’s ad copy (Mead Five-Star school supplies, WWF: The Music Volume 2, and 10-10-321)
The New Age Outlaws make their entrance, wherein Billy Gunn bends over to show off his “Mr. Ass” tights, which Road Dogg points to. Later, he shows off the other side, which does not say, “Mr. Crotch”.
The most recent tag team champions then come to the ring, but while Kane sets off his pyro, the Outlaws ambush Mankind. Soon, though, the heels are the ones isolating Road Dogg from his partner. Gunn sneaks in a tag when Kane backs Dogg up against the ropes, but both Outlaws get suplexed simultaneously by the big man. Earl Hebner apparently didn’t see the tag, so when Billy Gunn rolls out of the ring, the ref lets Road Dogg stay in the ring. When Road Dogg himself heads outside, Mankind hits him over the head with a chair before, not two seconds later, getting smashed in the head himself by Billy Gunn (who immediately gets clotheslined by Kane). Hebner allows all of this.
When the action returns to the ring, the Outlaws double-suplex Kane (successfully this time) after Billy Gunn tags in. Billy covers Kane, but the referee is distracted by a Mankind-Dogg scuffle. Gunn and Mankind tumble to the outside, allowing Kane to tombstone and pin the illegal man. Jim Ross protests after ignoring the other major officiating errors in this match. After the match, Mankind poses with the chair he dented over Road Dogg’s head.
Replays air of Hawk’s questionable state of mind last week. The announcers speculate about possible impairment on Hawk’s part, which Hawk addresses backstage. He tells the WWF Raw audience that he’s speaking as Michael Hegstrand, not Road Warrior Hawk (despite being the one wearing Road Warrior face paint and spiked shoulder pads). Hegstrand apologizes to the fans, Vince McMahon, and Titan Sports for his “behavior” last week. But now, it’s time for him to “do the Hawk thing”.
A commercial airs for La Femme Nikita. Amazingly, the USA Network still advertises it as part of its “Sunday Night Heat” line-up, despite that now being the same name as one of their TV shows. That’s like if ABC added a new Friday night sitcom called, “TGIF” but kept calling the lineup, “TGIF” as well.
When WWF Raw returns from commercial, Double J is in the ring for a match with Hawk. Addressing the Road Warrior in pre-recorded comments, Jarrett says Hawk embarrassed the whole company, and that he’s going to scare him straight. Hawk manages to make it to the ring and do the Hawk thing.
The announcers recap the events of last night’s Sunday Night Heat, including the debut of commentator Shane McMahon and his pair of dates (hired, presumably, from the same place as the Godfather’s escorts). Also, Tennessee Lee accidentally cost Jeff Jarrett a match against the rookie Edge. Now, Lee tries removing his belt to give to Double J, but he takes too long. Still waiting for the weapon, Jarrett falls prey to a neckbreaker from Hawk, who pins him. Animal comes to ringside to congratulate his partner, but both men get attacked from behind by the former Godwinns, Mark Canterbury and Dennis Knight. Droz makes the save for the LOD.
For WWF Raw’s second hour, Vince McMahon comes to the ring to a chilly reception; Jim Ross compares McMahon’s popularity to that of Bill Clinton at Ken Starr’s family reunion. Topical! McMahon predicts Owen Hart and The Rock will win the tag team titles (or, as he puts it, that Steve Austin and The Undertaker will lose the titles). The boss also keeps the Kane/Undertaker are-they-or-aren’t-they story going; this time, he cites not just this evening’s brawl, but also last week’s Kane/Mankind sneak attack on Austin.
After being called out by the boss, Undertaker comes down, followed by Austin. Stone Cold says all he cares about is his WWF title, so Taker can have both tag belts. But, says Undertaker, Austin is doing exactly what Vince wants by breaking up the team; the boss wants to drive a wedge between them. There’s that word again! Therefore, Austin should come back to the ring and take his belt back, which Stone Cold does, reluctantly. Taker then calls Austin, “the safest SOB” in the WWF; Masahiro Chono would disagree. By this, Undertaker means he’ll make sure Stone Cold makes it to Summerslam.
Backstage, The Rock tells the commentators he doesn’t give two pieces of monkey crap about the Austin-Taker drama. Owen says the tag champs’ next argument will be about which one of them is a nugget.
Tonight’s Stri-Dex Triple Action consists of a Pedigree to The Rock, a Rock Bottom to X-Pac, and an X-Pac heel kick to The Rock, all from last week’s Triple Threat.
Despite being opponents tonight, Triple H and X-Pac, along with Chyna, enter the ring together. During their joint entrance, the announcers promote Triple H’s appearance on next week’s Pacific Blue as a character named Triple H who does the D-X crotch chop.
When the action starts, Triple H targets X-Pac’s neck, which he feels really bad about. Both men, Jim Ross notes, want to win the Intercontinental title shot and get on the Summerslam card. Is that like a match card? Ross also points out that Chyna has been neutral the whole match, at which point Chyna trips X-Pac and gives him a forearm. Triple H takes advantage with a Pedigree and pins X-Pac to win the title shot. Both men argue after the match.
After a break, WWF Raw returns with Val Venis, complete with clips of Val in bed and in the shower with Mrs. Yamaguchi (who, as I’ve mentioned before, may be as young as 17). Venis makes a joke about his penis based on the San Diego Chargers. The “Endowed One” (Ross’s words) teams with Taka Michinoku to take on Dick Togo and Funaki. Kaientai’s manager, Mr. Yamaguchi, has vowed to choppy choppy Val’s pee pee.
Jim Ross notes that Kaientai’s small stature is their main weakness; the King agrees and says Val Venis knows the importance of size. He is surprisingly tall, after all—maybe two inches shorter than Kane without the lifts. The Big Valbowski has the match well in hand when he tags out to Taka, who immediately dropkicks, then DDTs, his own partner. Mrs. Yamaguchi, who it turns out is Taka’s sister, is distraught as the four Japanese Light Heavyweights assault her lover, mock his gyrations, and drag Venis up the ramp.
Another commercial airs for the Jakks Pacific STOMP 2 collection, which comes with functioning weapons. In this case, they’re water guns, but could a Yamaguchi-san figure with katana be far in the future?
WWF Raw returns with Kaientai and Taka continuing to drag Val Venis away. A crowd of photographers parts like the Red Sea, though I doubt Val Venis is raising his staff. Jerry Lawler—who obviously listened to that Weird Al song—wonders whether they really will cut off “Mr. Happy”.
With about 30 minutes left in WWF Raw, D’Lo Brown comes to the ring for a match with a 60-minute time limit. Brown, whom Jim Ross calls “articulate”, says most people in San Diego aren’t American citizens, leading two fans in the front row to flip the European champion off. He defends his title, under protest, against Dan Severn, who’s the one who tore Brown’s pecs. Furthermore, last night on Sunday Night Heat, D’Lo provoked him into physicality to retain his title against Ken Shamrock by DQ.
Thanks to his exit from the Brawl For All, Dan Severn is free to challenge for the European title tonight, but he struggles in the early going. Mark Henry comes to ringside, followed by Steve Blackman to even the sides. At last, Severn gets some offense in with a double-leg takedown and belly-to-belly, but Ken Shamrock soon crashes the party. D’Lo leaves the ring and gets into it with Shamrock, who wails on the champion in view of the referee. Brown wins once again by disqualification, enraging Severn.
As D’Lo Brown celebrates his tremendous victory on the ramp, he is blindsided by Edge, who leaves just as quickly as he arrived.
As WWF Raw goes to commercial, Kaientai continue stomping Venis in the locker room.
Tiger Ali Singh, appearing for the first time in ten months, is here with manservant Babu. Last night before Sunday Night Heat (which itself was taped after last week’s WWF Raw), Singh gave an American woman $500 to eat dog food. Tonight, he’s giving away the same amount on a per-garment basis to an American woman willing to strip. The cameras focus on some willing and popular candidates, but he ends up choosing a large lady. After seeing her take off $1000 worth of clothes, Tiger changes his mind and pays her to put her clothes back on.
While this segment was going on, Kaientai dragged Venis to a chopping block, but Yamaguchi-san chased the cameraman away with his sword; Jim Ross is incredulous.
When WWF Raw returns, The Undertaker (along with Austin) defends his Photoshopped tag team title belts against The Nation. Owen and Rock try and fail to jump the champions before the bell. Hart ends up in the ring with Taker, who goes Current School on him before tagging out to Stone Cold. Austin wrestles Owen for the first time since Survivor Series before Hart tags out. Austin soon follows suit.
Jerry Lawler imagines Vince McMahon as a puppet-master in the Austin-Taker situation, but mainly so he can shoehorn the recent deaths of Shari Lewis and Buffalo Bob. Owen Hart then makes a blind tag and Lamb Chop-blocks Undertaker, giving him a Charlie Horse. After weathering the Nation’s offense, Taker tags out to Austin; Stone Cold opens up a can of what Jim Ross refuses to call Whoop-Ass (because his mama’s watching) on Owen. Steve even tries to use Hart’s own Sharpshooter, but The Rock intervenes with a clothesline and middle fingers. Owen and Rock each deliver low blows. Austin battles out of a Rock Bottom, then double-clotheslines The Rock to set-up a double-down spot and a hot tag to Taker.
After a tombstone, Undertaker pins Owen to retain the titles, at which point Mankind immediately runs in. Trailing behind is Kane, armed with a steel chair. When it comes time to hit The Undertaker with it, the Dead Man ducks (surprise, surprise), and Kane hits Mankind right over the head. Taker then takes the chair away from Kane, stares him down, and gives Mankind his third chair shot to the head of the evening. Kane looks on until the Outlaws rush in and double-team him. The night ends in a four-team brawl.
Final tally:
1 JR’s Mama
(Year total: 8)
(Does not include two mentions of his mama at Fully Loaded)
Oh right, the guy who was getting his penis chopped off! He’s still backstage, about to get his penis chopped off, when Tony Garea and security guard break through the door. Val is hanging by his wrists, naked except for his boots. Taka restrains his sister, and Yamaguchi-san raises his katana, when WWF Raw abruptly goes off the air.