WWF Raw – July 6th, 1998 – Bryce Jordan Center – State College, PA
WWF Raw kicks off with clips of last week’s show, set to the stock piece “Adrenaline”; Austin recaptured the title from Kane, then laid out the Undertaker.
Too much Spock, and not enough Scotty! It’s time for WWF Raw.
The Undertaker makes his entrance to begin the show proper, challenging Austin to a title match. Backstage, Michael Cole wanders around looking for the champion, poking his head through various doors. Finally, Austin pops out of one of them, marching towards gorilla with his belt in tow.
When he finally gets to the ring, Vince McMahon interrupts and prevents the match from happening. “The inmates are running the asylum”, complains McMahon. If that’s the case, why did Vince allow his production crew to play Taker and Austin’s entrance music and videos just because they decided to walk through the curtain. McMahon says only he can make title matches, but he will indeed put the two men in a match at Fully Loaded. The catch? It’s a tag team match, where Austin and Taker will face Kane and Mankind.
As for who gets the next title shot, Vince McMahon will name a new number-one contender “in that very ring” tonight. And regarding Austin’s recent title win, McMahon gives a military salute that morphs into a middle finger, which Vince delivers in a way that could give you arthritis just by looking at it. It’s eventually blurred out (for safety reasons). Appalled at such an obscene gesture, Stone Cold tries chasing him up the ramp, but McMahon is long gone by the time he reaches the stage.
D-X, we are told, have a surprise tonight and have been locked in their dressing room all night. Hope it’s not racist!
Brak(k)us, making his WWF television debut after initial vignettes that aired in August the previous year, comes to the ring in boxing gloves. The German bodybuilder, who lost to Jeff Jarrett at the lost “Mayhem in Manchester” PPV, has decided to try his luck in the Brawl For All. Will his bodybuilding skills translate into shoot-fighting?
Brakus faces Savio Vega in a bouts that gets the same reception as the first two Brawl For All fights. Brakkus makes a decent showing during the first thirty seconds before Vega starts beating the sh*t out of him, garnering the first pop of the entire tournament. The beating continues in round two, as a dazed and winded Brakus stumbles into punch after punch of Vega’s. Now might be the time for the referee to end the match, but unfortunately that referee is Danny Hodge who, amateur wrestling legend or not, has no experience in either boxing or refereeing.
At the outset of round three, Savio takes down a slightly bloodied Brakus, who folds over on his ankle. Remarkably, he rises to his feet to get hit some more. Jim Ross notes that, barring a last-second knockout, Savio will win. “You’ve got a land a big one now, Achim!” says Jerry Lawler, using Brakus’s real name. This of course, doesn’t happen, and Savio wins on points. Tremendous debut for the German rookie.
As Ken Shamrock comes to the ring, Jim Ross thans fans for making WWF Raw the #1 cable show last week. It won’t be this week, as WCW is putting Goldberg vs. Hogan on to win the ratings battle.
Jeff Jarrett faces the new King (whom Jerry Lawler criticizes for not wearing a crown). The two wrestle a competitive match while cameras find Edge in the audience. When Shamrock locks Jarrett in an ankle pick, Tennessee Lee helps Jeff to the ropes. This leads Shamrock to pursue Lee and get blindsided by Jarrett. Shamrock eventually regains the upper hand until “a fan” (in JR’s words) steps into the ring. The “fan” is a 500-pound former WWF wrestler. Easy mistake to make. Jerry is the first to note that it’s King Mabel, who now sports a thinner, shorter, spikier mohawk than before. Mabel splashes Shamrock, causing a DQ, then exits through the crowd.
When WWF Raw returns, Vader comes to the ring for a match with Bradshaw. Jim Ross notes that next week’s WWF Raw will feature the New Age Outlaws vs. Kane and Mankind and will emanate from the Continental Airlines Arena, the largest arena in New York City. It’s so large, in fact, that they had to stick it in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Jerry Lawler notes that tonight’s show in State College was so well sold-out, Joe Paterno had to ask him for tickets. It must be nice for Lawler to be only someone’s second-most perverted friend named Jerry.
The two hosses duke it out, with Bradshaw catching Vader off the second rope and hitting a powerslam. Lawler notes that Roy Rodgers’s death today must be affecting the Texan. While the two guys stand in the middle of the ring punching each other, Mankind and Kane run in and beat them up. Kane even tombstones Vader, which Jim Ross calls a “devastating maneuver”.
After a commercial, the Disciples of Apocalypse ride to the ring with Paul Ellering, who sports a pink shirt reading, “WHO S GONNA BEAT US” [sic]. Jim Ross notes that Ellering has recently made a fortune on the stock market. the leather daddies’ opponents tonight are the Headbangers, who pour hot candle wax on their arms during their entrance. Look, I don’t like DOA matches either, but self-harm doesn’t solve anything.
Paul Ellering joins Lawler and Ross on commentary; he explains that the LOD are living in the past. Ellering, on the other hand, is living in the era of the computer and the web. Skull and 8-Ball, he says, have only one mind between them, making them easier to control. Jim Ross, still wisely ignoring the in-ring action, notes that Mabel has accepted Ken Shamrock’s challenge.
When the announcers finally do turn their attention to the match, Ross notes that the DOA blocked the Headbangers’ attempt at a stage dive. Jerry Lawler derides Ross for trying to use modern lingo before Jim points out that that’s the name of their finisher (Einstein). The Disciples win with a sort of assisted belly-to-back suplex.
D-Lo Brown, wearing a chest protector due to his torn pectorals, faces the 54 year-old Terry Funk. Funk turned 54 on June 30th, or the day this WWF Raw was filmed. Brown chops Funk in the chest, then dares him to chop him back (knowing he has a chest protector to absorb the blow). Instead, Terry punches him in the face. Lawler says Funk is so old, the Three Wise Men helped him with his homework, leading Jim Ross to shout out Henny Youngman. Funk hits an Asai moonsault to the outside on D-Lo, banging his leg against the railing. He then hits a top-rope moonsault, but a chain-assisted punch from the Godfather puts him down.
D-Lo hits the Lo-Down to pick up the win, but The Undertaker crashes the celebration, chokeslamming D-Lo, the Godfather, and eventually Terry Funk. The last chokeslam gets Taker booed, as he may be popular, but not not “hit babyfaces with your finisher for no reason” popular.
AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” plays over a brand-new, ugly Summerslam logo to promote the August PPV.
We’re now into WWF Raw’s second hour. Vince McMahon, who has promised to name a number-one contender tonight, invites Mankind to the ring (and tells him, two real days removed from Hell in a Cell, to hurry up), followed by Kane and The Undertaker. It’s a clash of personalities that Jim Ross likens, topically, to Bill Clinton and Ken Starr or, slightly less topically, Julian Lennon and Yoko Ono.
To Mankind, Vince says he appreciates his efforts at Hell in a Cell, but it might not be enough to be number-one contender. To Kane, Vince says he’s one of the stupidest men he’s ever met for agreeing to defend the title against Austin last week. On the other hand, he also agreed in writing to set himself on fire if he lost a match, so Kane’s not all bad. To The Undertaker, Vince says the Dead Man has tried to kill both Kane and Mankind, which are plusses in his book. To determine the number-one contender, therefore, the three men will wrestle in a Triple Threat match tonight.
In a local ad, the Echelon Mall in Voorhees, New Jersey will host The Rock, as well as LOD 2000 and (if she’s still employed this weekend) Sunny.
In the next Brawl For All contest, Road Warrior Hawk takes on ally Darren Drozdov, whom Ross calls “The Droz”. The two flail at each other, with Droz preferring to slap in front of his face like a doggy paddle, and Hawk preferring to swing as wide as possible. Droz takes Hawk down at the first closing bell, but it’s a second too late. Droz bloodies Hawk’s nose in round two. With the unofficial score tied at 5 apiece, Ross says it’s anyone’s ball game. “Ball game?!” says a confused King before Ross explains that it’s a metaphor. Round three passes without incident, and the two hug it out. It’s ruled a draw, implying the two men landed the same number of punches in one or all of the rounds.
Jacqueline comes to the ring with Marc Mero, whose poor Brawl For All showing gets a replay. Jackie accepts the blame for the loss due to her excessive sex with Mero the night before. It was their two-month anniversary, you see, which places their first hookup on April 29th, days after Sable first challenged Marc Mero to a fight. Jacqueline says Mero hadn’t been satisfied in a long time thanks to his previous woman. “Sable wasn’t able!” she declares. “You know, she looked real good”, Jacqueline continues, “but there was no motor under that hood.” The rhyming automotive innuendo continues, with Jackie claiming Sable couldn’t shift the gear when Marc was ready to steer.
Obviously, Sable isn’t going to stand by and let Jacqueline insult her driving, so she interrupts and sets the record straight: Sable has always had her pedal to the medal. “It’s just that Marc’s tire was flat. You see, back then, they didn’t make Viagra to keep his tank full.” But why would you put Viagra in a gas tank?
Jackie counters. She’s 100% woman, knows what a man wants, and has got the goods. “This body is primo real estate”, says Jacqueline. “Yeah”, says Sable, seemingly agreeing. “But the question is, how many times have you rented it out?” In response, Jacqueline calls Sable, “skank” and dares Sable to prove who’s got the better body in a bikini contest. “Don’t just blow it”, says Sable. “Show it! ‘Cause my bikini will be fully loaded and ready to drop the bomb on you!”
So here we have two women (Jacqueline and Sable) who talked, briefly, about something other than a man (namely, who had the better body). Does this promo actually pass the Bechdel test?
The JVC Kaboom! of the Week is Mankind’s fall through the cell roof at King of the Ring.
Replays air of Val Venis’s gyrations last week toward Mrs. Yamaguchi, who seems to have taken a good look according to Jerry Lawler. Jim Ross tells him to knock it off because his mama’s watching. Venis says he’s scored more than time Beaver Stadium than Joe Paterno. It’s a football stadium, notes Ross.
Venis’s opponent, Dustin Runnels, is “marching to the beat of a different and more omnipotent drummer”, says Jim Ross. I guess that explains why he doesn’t like Val thrusting his crotch right in his face. Edge, Val’s future brother-in-law, looks on from afar; Ross speculates that Edge someday might be number-one contender for the WWF Title.
Val takes a moment to gyrate over Runnels, at which point Kaientai attacks him from behind. Meanwhile, Yamaguchi-san brings his alleged high school student wife to the ring. “How did Yamaguchi-san get a wife like her?” asks Lawler. With Val held back, Yamaguchi-san slaps Venis and gyrates at him, but his wife seems concerned for Venis.
WWF Raw goes to commercial teasing D-X’s big surprise, but when the show returns, The Nation of Domination’s theme plays. Out walks D-X dressed up and made up like the Nation (four of whom are Black). For the one white guy, they bring in someone we’ve never seen before (Jason Sensation). Despite them not having introduced themselves yet, Jerry Lawler calls Triple H, “The Crock”. Jim Ross explains that The Rock, Owen Hart, and Mark Henry are all at home tonight (ignoring the fact that Godfather and D-Lo are in the arena tonight and not doing anything about the parody).
In the ring stand The Crock, B-Lo, Mizark, Owen Hart (surprised they didn’t go with “Owen Fart”), The Godfather, and… Chyna, who wisely opted not to dress up as anybody. Billy Gunn, as the Godfather, addresses the pimps in the crowd. Then, Triple H makes some poop and self-pleasure jokes about the Rock before handing the mike over to “Owen”. The Owen Hart impersonator, who sounds enough like the real thing to fool Jerry Lawler, makes fun of Hart’s ring gear, nose, and “woooo”s. Along the way, Road Dogg (B-Lo) interrupts to repeat what everybody just said. X-Pac, dressed as Mark Henry with a stuffed shirt and black makeup on his face, talks like Fat Albert and possibly alludes to Henry once accidentally eating a poop-filled sandwich. I don’t need to include quotes, as this segment was replayed ad nauseum for the next twenty years until someone in WWE realized it might be just a little bit racist.
Back on WWF Raw, actual Black man King Mabel takes on an injured Ken Shamrock. Jim Ross notes that Mabel is so big, Ken Shamrock looks like a ninth grader in his arms. Speaking of which, Jerry Lawler is next to speak. It seems Mabel took exception to being left out of last week’s King of Kings match (put together an hour before it happened, by a promotion he didn’t work for, in a city he wasn’t in). Mabel dominates the whole, brief match until Shamrock side-steps his splash and locks him in the ankle submission (called, for the first time I can recall, “the ankle lock”). Mabel immediately taps out, but Ken keeps the hold on, allegedly breaking the big man’s ankle for real as a receipt for the many injuries Mabel had caused back in 1995.
It’s the main event of WWF Raw, and Vince McMahon comes down for commentary. Immediately thereafter, Stone Cold comes down to, in McMahon’s words, steal the spotlight from these three individuals (Kane, Mankind, and The Undertaker). Austin, despite McMahon’s protests, joins the announce team. Out first are Mankind, then Kane, who for the third show in a row wears two long sleeves. He does his ring post flame pyro trick, but the red light from his entrance never goes away. Next out is to be The Undertaker, but he doesn’t show.
Fed up, Vince McMahon comes into the ring to give Tony Chimel instructions, which are to call The Undertaker “chickensh*t” and declare the match a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere one-on-one contest. Mankind, refusing to fight his partner, sits on the floor and protests on the mic. McMahon has the bell rung anyway. After much hesitation, Kane steps outside and grabs a chair. Vince urges him to strike Austin, but instead he smacks the seated Mankind over the head. McMahon is almost orgasmically pleased. Kane drags Mankind, who Ross thinks has a concussion, into the middle of the ring and pins him Kane-ily.
At last, the normal lights come up, and Kane looks slightly different. Indeed, he unmasks to reveal himself as The Undertaker to close the show. There are so many questions—How did Undertaker get hold of Kane’s gear? Will the result stand and the Undertaker be named number-one contender? Has Kane really just been the Undertaker all along?
Final tally:
1 JR’s Mama