WWF Raw – June 8th, 1998 – Metro Centre – Rockford, IL
Tonight, WWF Raw kicks off with a brief teaser airing during the last few minutes of Walker, Texas Ranger. Maybe they’ve been having these all along, but this is the first time they’ve shown up in the VHS transfers I use. Anyway, Vince McMahon will have a black tie affair (which will likely be ruined by Steve Austin), and D-X will tour New York City (which will definitely be racist).
The show proper begins with Jim Ross announcing the death of Junkyard Dog. I’d first heard of JYD when my mom brought me to the pharmacy around 1993, and they still had old WWF notepads in stock. “Junkyard Dog? Iron Sheik?” I asked. “Who are these guys?” They must have been fresh out of Tatanka and Ludvig Borga stationery.
Too much Barq’s, and not enough Hires! It’s time for WWF Raw, coming to you pre-taped from an unknown city.
Vince McMahon and his stooges arrive in tuxedos to announce that he will receive two Humanitarian of the Year awards. Vince says he looks forward to showing everyone the real Vince McMahon, not just the one they’ve seen on TV (We now know this is, of course, the last thing he would want to do). Beaming, not even the crowd’s chants of “Austin! Austin!” can put him in a bad mood. In fact, he has even invited Stone Cold to the ceremony.
Kama, now nicknamed the Godfather, comes to the ring in a Homburg with a cigar in his mouth and the Nation in tow, comes to the ring for his match with Ken Shamrock. The referee ejects the Nation before the match, a King of the Ring qualifier.
Shamrock takes down Kama with what WWF Attitude for Playstation calls a high leg clothesline, but Kama counters a huracanrana attempt. Shamrock takes down Kama with an ankle pick, but the Godfather of the Nation grabs the bottom rope. Moments later, from a prone position, Ken picks Kama’s ankle again, resulting in a tapout. Immediately, D-Lo Brown rushes the ring and punches it out with Shamrock until Dan Severn, his opponent tonight, intervenes. Regardless of the save, the two UFC fighters have a tense staredown.
Jim Ross mentions the WWF’s recent sell-out of Madison Square Garden, which was just announced as the site of SummerSlam. Thus, the WWF’s “astute marketing department” (in JR’s words) sent D-Generation X to New York City to promote the event. Strangely, the promotion consists mainly of DX flagging down immigrants and Triple H making fun of their accents. While Gojira won’t be there, and it won’t be covered in the Pakistani Magazine, tickets for SummerSlam are now on sale.
Marc Mero arrives with his new “friend” Jacqueline, whose backstage PDA disgusts Jim Ross. He teams with future KOTR opponent Jeff Jarrett, with whom Jacqueline first appeared on WWF TV, against Steve Blackman and Faarooq. Blackman’s music plays, along with his Titantron, which features the Mortal Kombat 3 font.
The heels have the match well in hand, even doing the double-Irish whip reversal collision spot usually reserved for babyface teams. But Mero gets distracted with Jacqueline, then bumped off the apron when Blackman pushes Jarrett into him. Steve rolls up Jeff with a schoolboy to win the match.
They show Vince McMahon’s two awards, both from real organizations: the Halas-Payton Foundation and Minority Athletes Networking (The Godfather won’t start bringing hookers to the ring for at least another six weeks).
Back in NYC, D-X visit a p0rno theater, and Triple H makes fun of a Sikh’s turban (while doing a voice).
When WWF Raw returns, D-X is back at it again. Triple H finds more East and South Asians to imitate, and Chyna tries on a hat.
Scorpio, who uses Terry Funk’s music (which used to be Cactus Jack’s music), faces Owen Hart in a King of the Ring qualifying match. Owen hopes to become the first person to win the King of the Ring twice (besides his brother), but once again, the Nation of Domination gets cock-blocked by the referees and sent to the back. Owen will have to go it alone tonight.
Scorpio and Hart do a lot of acrobatics with wristlocks to open the match. While both take to the sky, Jim Ross takes a break from calling the action; he promotes the upcoming WWF Raws in San Antonio next week and Cleveland in three weeks (while vaguely hinting at Tuesday WWF Raw tapings in Austin and State College). Ross then calls Scorpio “no doubt” one of the most underrated WWF Superstars ever, though if everybody agrees with that, he couldn’t be that underrated.
Like me right now, the announcers largely ignore the solid in-ring action to discuss other WWF goings-on, such as the newly-announced Hell in a Cell match at King of the Ring. Owen evades a moonsault late in the match, then works over Scorpio’s leg before winning with the Sharpshooter. Hart wins with the second consecutive submission victory in the KOTR qualifiers, which Ross interprets as a shot at Ken Shamrock.
During the break, The Undertaker searches for Mr. McMahon backstage.
When WWF Raw returns, Darren Drozdov “Puke” [sic] faces Disciples of Apocalypse Chainz [sic]. Clips air of Droz vomiting on the ball, though not on ABC’s Monday Night Football as commonly stated. The puke incident occurred, in fact, on NBC (unless he puked on camera twice) (which is also possible).
Since The Undertaker broke up the LOD and DOA’s street fight meant to settle their feud, Droz wrestles Chainz tonight (though the announcers insists that Droz is not a member of LOD 2000). Chainz hits Droz with a Death Valley driver to score the surprise victory (a surprise because Brian Lee has no future in this company and no upside).
Speaking of upside, Undertaker walks in, hits Chainz upside the head, then chokeslams both men. The sweatsuit-clad Taker demands to see McMahon. Taker stays in the ring throught WWF Raw’s commercial break, then exits when he sees McMahon on the Titantron chatting with reps from both non-profits.
D-X comes to the ring in full force, with X-Pac telling the crowd to “make a little noise up in this bitch”. The whole bitch erupts in cheers. Jim Ross begrudglngly accepts D-X’s popularity, despite lamenting their predictability on the mic and expressing his dismay at the young ladies “showing their bosoms” during the New York clips. When Triple H finally gets to the point and addresses the Nation, he is interrupted by the LOD 2000.
Animal says that, since the LOD beat the number-one contenders at Over the Edge, they deserve a title shot (DOA having beaten the Outlaws a few weeks earlier). Triple H gladly agrees to an LOD-Outlaws match before the DOA ride in and call it bulls**t. One of the bald bikers cuts his first promo ever, to which Hunter responds by cancelling the title shots and telling both sets of challengers to suck it. Commissioner Slaughter, on the other hand, comes up with a different solution in which neither team sucks it, but instead face the Outlaws in a Triple Threat match.
During the break, the Undertaker overturns tables in catering.
In a vignette, a woman speaking for Edge asks, “You think you know me?” Sound bites from this promo would end up in Edge’s theme music for the next two decades.
Mark Henry faces Vader, who is back wearing his mask after “losing it” two nights earlier. I guess Vader time isn’t over! The two beefy dudes slap meat, with Henry slamming and splashing Vader. Vader then slams the World’s Strongest Man, but gets caught and powerslammed when coming off the second rope. Before the match can conclude, The Undertaker interrupts again and chokeslams both men.
The JVC Kaboom of the Week is Stone Cold’s chair shot to Dude Love at Over the Edge. For whatever reason, they also include the part where Austin accidentally hit himself with the chair.
D-Lo Brown, the fourth Nation member in singles competition tonight, faces Dan Severn in a King of the Ring qualifying match. Brown slaps Severn, who does not take kindly to it. D-Lo surprisingly controls the early going of the match, but Severn takes over. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler (announeing during the second hour of WWF Raw) sarcastically asks whether he’ll need Kleenex for the upcoming Sable tribute video. He then asks if it’s X-rated, and if Sable’s going to show her boobs like the women in the D-X clips. What exactly are you planning to do with that Kleenex, Jerry?
Severn looks winded after just a few minutes of action, so he moves in for the kill, earning the third submission of the evening to advance to the round of eight. Owen Hart then runs in to attack his next opponent, but Ken Shamrock chases him off.
A tribute package for Sable airs, set to a tune even sappier than “Tell Me a Lie” that isn’t available anywhere. Shazam doesn’t recognize it, and its lyrics are nowhere online.
Backstage earlier tonight, Steve Austin shakes hands with football players Darnell Autry and George Martin (not the Beatles or Game of Thrones guy) of tonight’s featured charities.
Val Venis takes on Dustin Runnels, who must work for free for 30 days. “The girls seem to love every inch of this guy”, says Jerry Lawler. Yeah, yeah, we all know he has big muscles. The cameras get lots of shots of women enthralled by Venis. Like Dennis Rodman, Val Venis is called the Worm, except he “dominates the broads” instead of “the boards”.
The two men lock up, but when Venis backs Runnels in the corner, he frisks him, driving Runnels mad. Val Venis obviously isn’t gay, so these tactics must be mind games. Wasn’t there somebody else who used to do this in the WWF? Venis weathers the storm and (bumps and) grinds Runnels down with holds. Dustin fights back and targets Val’s Venis. Runnels nearly trips delivering a top-rope clothesline to “The Endowed One”, but a large pop signals the arrival of The Undertaker, who breaks up the match with chokeslams. Venis in particular lies “limp on the canvas”, in Ross’s words.
The announcers hype up a Slam Jam segment in which D-X messed with Dok Hendrix, but when it finally airs, it’s just a commercial for Super Soaker. They’ve got two words for Dok: Soak it! D-X make the camera man read the ad copy, then squirt him.
The DOA ride to the ring on “classy” Titan bikes, the same word Jim Ross used earlier to describe Sable. They take on both LOD and the New Age Outlaws, who are under pressure (much like a Super Soaker) tonight. The first team to score a fall wins the match and the titles, meaning the Outlaws could lose tonight without being pinned.
Backstage, The Undertaker assaults and partially strips a tuxedo-clad Commissioner Slaughter.
X-Pac and Triple H sit onstage holding some of their recycled signs, plus a new one alluding to the Legion of Doom’s ventriloquist dummy Rocco. Their antics backfire, however, when Billy Gunn gets distracted reading them. Animal clotheslines the tag champion, who later tags in 8-Ball. In this match, only two wrestlers are allowed in the ring at once, and they may tag in anybody. Road Dogg tags in and mixes it up with the the DOA member. Yet more LOD vs. DOA action ensues until each legal men decides to tag in each Outlaw.
Road Dogg hesitates as Chyna whispers something in his ear, then gets brought in the hard way by Animal. The referee demands they wrestle before tagging out, which baffles Jim Ross. The two look ready to lock up, but Road Dogg instead lies down, allowing Billy Gunn to make a quick cover. The referee immediately counts the pin, despite the two men being partners, and declares the New Age Outlaws the winners.
In the parking garage, several cars worth of cops arrive. Jeez, I know the Outlaws pinning each other was unusual, but I didn’t know it was illegal!
When WWF Raw returns from its final commercial break, Al Snow and Head arrive in a tuxedo-print shirt and a bow tie, respectively. Jerry Lawler promises Snow a meeting with McMahon, but security guards drag Al out.
McMahon, Patterson, and Brisco enter to faux-inspirational MIDI music, while Steve Austin arrives at the black-tie affair wearing a black tie to go with his leather vest and jean shorts. Like the New Age Outlaws just a few minutes earlier, Austin follows the letter of the law but not the spirit of it. While Kevin Kelly introduces the presenters, both former or current NFL, the King speculates that they’re going to beat up Austin.
George Martin says he has the “dubious distinction” of honoring McMahon, which is true, but probably isn’t what he meant. Martin acknowledges that Vince’s contribution to his organization was generous, though written on an initially bounced check and “significantly less” than promised. All the while, Austin leans over McMahon’s shoulder. Martin hands Vince the plaque and tells him Stone Cold is his favorite wrestler. Backstage, police surround the Undertaker.
Jim Ross speculates that this ceremony is indeed a trap, but one set by Austin for Vince McMahon. Darnell Autry presents Vince with another plaque, though he doesn’t remember McMahon making a donation. Like Martin, Autry’s favorite Superstar is Stone Cold.
In response to the presenters’ various slights, Vince plays them off as attempts at humor, then disingenuously accepts the awards for his generous contributions. McMahon promises to display the awards in “a future WWF Hall of Fame” that has yet to be built over 25 years later. Steve Austin then grabs a roll of bills from Vince’s pocket, donates $1200 on McMahon’s behalf, and suggests another award for the boss (Jackass of the Year).
Adding to McMahon’s troubles, the lights go out and The Undertaker’s music plays. The druids carry a casket down the aisle, but it’s Kane who pops out and, along with Mankind, stuffs Austin into the casket.
Final tally:
3 submissions
3 Undertaker-induced no-contests
2 humanitarian awards