WWF Raw – May 18th, 1998 – Nashville Arena – Nashville, TN
This week’s cold open features Steve Austin’s tag match alongside Vince McMahon, which saw unlikely allies D-X and Dustin Rhodes save Steve Austin from a beating at the hands of the stooges and Dude Love.
Too much Fudd, and not enough Duff! It’s time for WWF Raw, live from Nashville.
Vince McMahon arrives with Patterson and Brisco to deliver bad news: due to Vince’s “devastating clothesline”, Steve Austin is rumored to have suffered a “mild concussion”. These are only rumors, of course, as the WWF doesn’t seem to have any medical screening to find out for sure. As a result of the rumored injury, Vince McMahon has barred Austin from the building (for his own safety, of course).
Vince rolls footage from moments ago, when a lone security guard informed Austin of the ban, and Stone Cold told him he could “have a field day with your sorry ass”. Interpret that however you’d like. Austin said he’d go back to his truck and drink some Steveweisers, then come back again in five minutes.
Dude Love comes out in his new suit. Have mercy! The Dude predicts, unsurprisingly, that he will the title at Over the Edge.
Vince then brings out the former Artist Formerly Known As Goldust, who now goes by his birth name of Dustin Runnels. Both Jim Ross and Vince McMahon point out Dustin’s recent knee surgery (which is not the kind of surgery Runnels offered to have for a million dollar bonus). McMahon tells Dustin to look in the “mirruh” and take responsibility for his failures, but he also gives Runnels a chance to prove himself:
Dustin is to wrestle Dude Love tonight. If he wins, he and his injured knee will hobble their way to Over the Edge to challenge for the title. If he loses, he’ll have to work without pay for 30 days like some ECW wrestler. Runnels accepts and punches Dude Love but is soon overcome by the Dude and the stooges.
In the parking garage, Jerry Lawler brings in a figure cloaked in a blanket, supposedly to protect him from The Undertaker. The security guard suspects it’s Steve Austin until he checks underneath the cover.
When WWF Raw returns from the break, Lawler finds his mystery man on a pay phone listening to a 900 number (The Ross Report).
Val Venis makes his long anticipated debut, arriving to a loud ovation and accompanied by highlights of the Stock Footage Festival. His opponent: Scorpio, a babyface. So is Val supposed to be a heel? JR seems to think so. So does Cole, who takes offense to Venis’s gyrating over Scorpio (captured by a crooked camera angle). “Well, the ladies kind of liked it”, admits Ross.
Val kicks out of Scorpio’s spinning splash, drawing boos from some of the men in the audience. Scorpio then crotches Val when the pronstar ascends to the top, inspiring a lot of concerned noise from the crowd. The former Flash Funk misses a subsequent moonsault, allowing Val to hit a splash off the top rope to win. Cole and Ross having to say the words, “Money Shot” alone makes this match worth it.
Steve Austin assaults the security guard and comes to the ring to call out Vince and his stooges.
In response, Mr. McMahon asks Steve about his self-concept (“Who the hell do you think you are!?”). Stone Cold says he’s a guy looking at three jackasses in suits, but those very suits are the reason why Vince can’t accept Austin’s challenge to a street fight. However, after Patterson and Brisco go apoplectic on Austin, McMahon agrees to give Stone Cold a street fight later tonight with two of the three (but which two will be a mystery).
Vince calls his group, “The Three Musketeers”, to which a babyface Roman Reigns might say, “Well you look like a bunch of Goobers to me”, and to which Cena might say, “Three Musketeers? You’re more like Mounds—you don’t got nuts!” Austin, however, tells them to screw themselves—simple, yet effective.
Another Edge promo airs, this time comparing him to a Spanish galleon.
Tonight’s WWF Raw is sponsored by 1-800-Collect, Super Soaker, Castrol GTX, and WWF: The Music Volume 2, available at Blockbuster Music. Remember Blockbuster Music? I don’t. According to Wikipedia, Blockbuster sold it in 2003 to something called Whorehouse Entertainment [sp?].
Backstage, Jerry Lawler tells an unseen person they don’t need makeup. But this is no pre-middle school-dance pep talk; this is him telling his mystery man not to waste time in the makeup chair.
Sable (who tomorrow night will be in Chattanooga, coincidentally the site of next week’s WWF Raw) now comes to the ring to a loud ovation, except from the one fan holding a sign claiming “Sable r*ped me”. Dude, what the hell? Sable calls out Marc Mero, whom she powerbombed last week. She says she’d like to split amicably from Marc, but Mero pulls out her contract with him, says she’s his property, and tells her to get in the corner.
Terry Funk comes down to face Mero as Jim Ross explains that the WWF using one 53-year-old wrestler is entirely different from WCW using 40-somethings. While Funk pounds Mero in the corner, he “inadvertently” turns around and elbows the referee square in the face. With the referee down, the Marvelous One punches Terry deep in the Double-Cross Ranch, then tries to pin him. Terry kicks out, and Sable screams at the ref about Marc’s cheating. Marc hits Terry with a TKO, but with the referee distracted, he can’t make the pin. Instead, Mero himself gets distracted, and Terry Funk, popping right back up, DDTs and pins him.
Backstage, the crybaby security guard, still butt-hurt over getting senselessly assaulted, walks the halls with two cops. WWF Raw goes to break with Austin in big trouble, mister.
The 1-800-Collect Rewind is The Undertaker’s chokeslam and Tombstone on Jerry Lawler last week.
In the arena, the cops investigate Jerry Lawler’s companion. For whatever reason, everyone finds something suspicious about the mystery man walking around with a cloak over his head and body.
LOD 2000 walk to the ring with no Sunny and no explanation why. Through a series of replays, the announcers document the LOD and DOA’s recent bad blood. It all started when the Road Warriors effectively cancelled a tag team title shot that the DOA had cheated for, fair and square. Tonight’s match, pitting LOD against one of the bald Disciples and the one with hair, is a preview of their nearly identical match at Over the Edge.
On the WWF Superstar Line, Ross tells us, you can hear his thoughts on a “former WWF television announcer”. Jim also explains that LOD have kept Sunny backstage because this match would be too physical. In fact, the LOD would eventually have so many physical matches that Sunny would disappear completely. While the referee tries to maintain order in this very physical match (which, in this sentence, is not a euphemism for drugs), the third member of DOA sneaks in and rolls up Animal. The ref, none the wiser, makes the three count. Livid, Animal yells at Kevin Kelly demanding a six-man tag so they can “kick butt”. Is Kevin supposed to be their third?
The announcers plug the latest episode of Celebrity Deathmatch, featuring Stone Cold on commentary. Can you imagine Rosie O’Donnell in a wrestling match? Only in the cartoons, baby!
Coming up on WWF Raw’s second hour, Paul Bearer will use “complicated DNA testing” to prove his paternity. But first, the second intro is back! “We’re All Together Now” opens WWF WarZone.
En route to the commentary desk, Jerry Lawler leads his blanketed bodyguard down the ramp. Meanwhile, Jim Ross plays up Lawler’s decades of history in Tennessee wrestling—which is not to say he’s *old* or anything. But he is silly, as Ross notes Lawler’s crown and jacket. Behind the King, a fan holds a sign claiming The Undertaker “buried Jerry’s bologna”. I’m not sure that fan knows what that means exactly.
At long last, Jerry unveils his hired muscle, Al Snow. But Snow won’t shut up about wanting to see Vince McMahon, that Lawler escorts him away from ringside.
Dude Love arrives in a blazer and tie dye gear to face Dustin Runnels, who is already in the ring. Runnels’s shirt reads “FU” (Forever Unchained) and appears to be an actual piece of merchandise that WWF sells (or tries to, anyway). Jim Ross speculates that Patterson and Brisco’s presence at ringside is “collusion”, but Lawler takes exception. Vince McMahon, says the King, is the most honest promoter he’s every worked for. “More honest than Jerry Jarrett!?” retorts Ross, whose tone straddles the line between sincere indignation and blatant sarcasm.
Collusion or not, Dustin gets distracted by Brisco and falls prey to Dude’s Mandible Claw. That means Runnels will have to wrestle for free for the next month (and his cut off the T-shirt sales won’t be much help). Dude Love, who sports a “VKM” tattoo, engages in a celebratory finger-guns shootout with the stooges.
In Steve Austin’s locker room, the police arrest Stone Cold. While one cop reads Austin his rights, the other tells him to put his coffee down. Don’t stand there drinking coffee when a man’s talking to you!
When WWF Raw returns, Vince is in Austin’s face while cops restrain Stone Cold with handcuffs. McMahon’s only regret is that Austin’s arrest means there will be no street fight tonight (although he conveniently leaves out that Stone Cold beat the security guard up before Vince ever made the challenge. Did Vince make a deal he had no plans of keeping?)
Kai En Tai attack the Headbangers on their way to the ring. The ‘Bangers face Dick Togo and “Terry Boy” Mens Teoh in tag action. Despite the sneak attack, the Headbangers dominate their much smaller opponents until Togo low-bridges Thrasher. Kai En Tai and Yamaguchi-san put the boots to the Headbanger on the outside. Back in the ring, Teoh sets up a neckbreaker but instead mule kicks him in the groin. Ross rattles off the credentials of Dick Togo (not to be confused with the Chappell Roan song) as Kai En Tai isolate Thrasher. Sho Funaki even steps in illegally until Bradshaw and Taka Michinoku make the save.
As Austin sits in a cop car, Jim Ross wonders what this means for tonight’s street fight main event. Well logically it means it’s not going to happen, but he can’t say that or else viewers will tune out.
For $32.99 plus $9 shipping, you can get the WWF Raw is War Monster Ring, which comes with early, unrealistic Jakks figures of Stone Cold and The Undertaker.
Tonight’s Castrol GTX Slam of the Week is Vader’s defeat of Barry Windham last week.
Back on WWF Raw, the announcers narrate Kane and Paul Bearer’s DNA test, which required Taker’s brother to show up in a track suit and ski mask. Paul doesn’t like needles.
D-X accompany the New Age Outlaws in their title defense versus Owen Hart and The Rock. Instead, of Road Dogg introducing himself and “Badd Ass Billy Gunn”, Tony Chimel does the honors this time. X-Pac grabs the mic and addresses the wrestlers—“WWF Superstars”, he corrects himself—watching in the back. Everyone in D-X, he says, “got game”. Like in the new movie! Jim Ross pretends to be impressed with the topical reference.
Triple H then asks the audience whether they’re ready, then pretends he can’t hear their very loud affirmative answer. He also makes an extended drum metaphor for his penis. Finally, Road Dogg does his carny shtick, plus uses an Island of Dr. Moreau quote that he admits no one catches. As for The Rock, Hunter says he should shut his hole, not know his role. Before Billy Gunn can talk, The Rock’s music hits. The Nation and D-X brawl as officials try to restore order.
When WWF Raw returns, it’s just the two tag teams and no outside help (except Chyna, who is allowed to stay for some reason). Rocky kicks Road Dogg in the groin and hits a People’s Elbow before Jerry Lawler compares Faarooq to Susan Lucci at the Daytime Emmys (Lucci would break her 20-year losing streak the next year, in case anybody cares).
Owen Hart, who looks to beat Billy Gunn for a third tag title with as many different partners, grapples with the former cowboy before tagging back out to The Rock. Later, Hart bites Road Dogg’s ear, as he likes to do as of late. No wonder Dogg called him (redundantly) “Cannibal Lecter”. Hart, with a smile on his face and red around his mouth, looks like Spagghet. The Rock flattens Road Dogg with a Rock Bottom, but amid a distraction from Chyna, Susan Lucci runs in and piledrives him. Or was that Faarooq? Either way, Road Dogg gets the pin.
Back in the garage, Steve Austin still sits in the back of the police cruiser. Will they let him wrestle tonight as a kind of work-release?
When WWF Raw, the cops let Austin free provided he apologizes to the security guard. In the process, Stone Cold says he’s sorry he had to beat the stupid guard’s stupid ass. Then, released from his cuffs, he flips the guy off. But an apology is an apology, so Austin walks free.
Kevin Kelly is in the ring with a man in a white coat. He’s a doctor! According to the doc and his complicated test, Paul Bearer indeed is Kane’s biological father. This leads the father-son duo to make their entrance. Bearer says that as far as him being Kane’s father, the proof is in the pudding (and he’s been eating lot of proof). As for Kane’s mother, she was a two-bit whore. Then again, two bits in 1966 is worth a whole $1.25 in 1998 and $2.42 in 2024, so maybe this isn’t meant as an insult. Regardless of inflation, The Undertaker rushes to the ring and cleans house as Jerry Lawler cries out for Al Snow’s protection. Eventually, Kane chokeslams Taker and double-teams him with his dad, but Vader makes the save.
(This quote from the Taco Bell Dog about Godzilla would freak out New Jack the following week)
When WWF Raw returns, Jim Ross awkwardly shoehorns a Seinfeld reference into the previous segment’s events, thinking that The Undertaker’s arrival had signaled Jerry Lawler’s “last episode”.
As Steve Austin laces up his boots, his opponents Patterson and Brisco come to the ring in t-shirts plugging their fictitious tournament win and body shop, respectively. Patterson, Ross claims, works part-time at Brisco Brothers’ doing “rear end work”. The special referee for this match, announces Tony Chimel, is Sgt. Slaughter.
Meanwhile, Al Snow stares suspiciously at a fan wearing an ugly Stone Cold mask.
Steve Austin arrives in his street fight gear (jorts), but Jim Ross fears that, with the deck stacked as it is, Stone Cold will have to pitch a perfect game like the Yankees’ Dave Wells. Case in point: Referee Slaughter clotheslines Austin at the outset of the match. The other stooges then swarm Austin. Patterson hits Stone Cold with a foreign object before Gerald Brisco covers him; Slaughter makes a fast two count, then hesitates, allowing Austin to kick out. Stone Cold then goes ape on his opponents while Jim Ross makes light of the second and third 50-somethings to wrestle tonight.
“This is not a sanctioned match”, clarifies Ross, despite the commissioner himself officiating it. Austin delivers stunners to his opponents, then, after escaping a Cobra Clutch, gives one more to the Sarge. Dude Love runs to the ring in a suit but gets clotheslined out of the ring. The fan in the grotesque Austin mask then hops the rail and takes down Dude Love, then sneaks up behind the real Austin and hits him with a chair. As Austin tackles the “fan”, he unmasks as Vince. It was him, Austin! It was him all along, Austin! Dude Love slaps the Mandible Claw on Austin as WWF Raw goes off the air.