WWF Raw – March 9th, 1998 – Civic Center – Wheeling, WV
The 250th edition of WWF Raw starts with a cold open re-capping last week’s eventful episode. Tonight, Michael Cole promises a “riveting interview with ‘Iron’ Mike Tyson”, if such a thing is possible.
Too much parm and not enough fries! It’s time for WWF Raw is War. The Rock and Faarooq face martial arts buddies Steve Blackman and Ken Shamrock. Blackman comes equipped with what Cole identifies as “Filipino sticks”. Blackman and the Black man start things off before each man tags his respective partner. The Rock then hits Shamrock with what is labeled for the first time as The People’s Elbow.
After a series of tags and some technical difficulties, the same two men end up in the ring together again, but the Nation jumps in when it looks like Shamrock is about to win with a huracanrana. I can only assume Commissioner Slaughter is not here tonight (perhaps serving in Vietnam again). Faarooq then rounds up the rest of the Nation and bars them from helping The Rock, who ends up in Shamrock’s ankle lock. Instead, the Nation leader sends his men up the ramp.
When WWF Raw returns, Triple H and Chyna enter the ring, walking past a newer, more accurate, but dummy thicc version of the WWF Attitude logo. Jim Ross calls Shawn Michaels not just the most athletic, but the most intelligent champion as clips flash on screen of HBK leaping into the air to jam his stuffed crotch into Ross’s face. In the ring, Triple H welcomes the viewers to another edition of D’x’s Pre-WrestleMania Showdown, where parents should get their children’s permission “because discretion is advised, but… will be completely ignored”. Add that to the pile of forgotten D-X catchphrases, along with “X Marks the Spot”.
Hunter threatens to sic Chyna on Owen Hart before showing clips of last week’s ambush on Steve Austin. As in this evening’s cold open, Shawn’s Superkicks are punctuated with a bullwhip sound effect. We then see Shawn Michaels on the Titantron, taking a break from his grueling schedule, with his feet propped up the hockey-themed table of a diner. Michaels calls Stone Cold a “fad” (that’s F-A-D, fad) and says he’ll beat him at WrestleMania. To wrap up the segment, Triple H tells the fans to suck it, which is bleeped.
Hunter joins commentary, kicking out Kevin Kelly, before the Owen Hart vs. Barry Windham match. Helmsley gets a kick out of Ross’s use of the word “rear” when referring to cameras in the back of the arena. Technical difficulties continue as WWF Raw goes to commercial.
Tonight’s WWF Raw is brought to us by Jakks Pacific’s new Legends line of action figures. All four figures are cartoony and disproportionate, but Freddie Blassie’s tiny head is particularly unsettling.
“It’s nugget time”, declares Triple H upon Owen Hart’s entrance. “It smells like poop”, he remarks, before realizing that the smell is coming from Hart. I’m shocked he hasn’t called Owen the “You’re a-Peein’ champion”. When Owen tries getting in Hunter’s face, Chyna gets in the way. Next out is Barry Windham, who is played to the ring by an ill-fitting metal theme, complete with blast beats, called “Jersey Splitter”. Adding to the confusion, the future West Texas Redneck who hates rap wears trunks that say “NWA” on them.
Clips air of last week’s WWF Raw, where Chyna drew a disqualification to prevent Owen from losing his European title. Surely that won’t happen again this week! In a massive understatement, Michael Cole calls Owen Hart “perhaps the most competitive European champion ever”; with tonight’s match, Hart has defended the title more times in just the past month than any of the previous champions ever did.
More technical difficulties, this time in the form of vertical frame scrolling, before Triple H makes fun of Owen Hart’s big nose. An insensitive Jim Ross then points out the hypocrisy, hurting Hunter’s feelings. After some prodding, Hunter admits to hating Owen’s guts and chastises the announce team for squeezing it out of him. Amazingly, this does not lead to another poop joke.
A series of Cornette distractions allows Chyna to hit Owen in the groin outside the ring, giving Windham the countout victory but not the title. Bradshaw interrupts Cornette and Windham’s misplaced celebration to pound on his former partner. Jim Ross then narrates a gross replay and freeze frame of Owen landing on his ankle.
As WWF Raw heads to break, Marc Mero plays with handcuffs as Sable begs referee Mike Chioda’s assurance that he’ll keep the key safe. Marvelous Marc clamps on the cuffs too hard on Sable, who will be handcuffed to the ringpost later tonight.
A spooked Jerry Lawler interviews Paul Bearer in the locker room. Bearer doesn’t feel like talking about the Undertaker, who returned from the dead last week. Big deal! He’s done that like three times already. Instead, Bearer wants to talk about how Kane messed up Vader. Lawler gets Paul back on topic, but the locker room benches flap up and down on their own, sending the two running; Kane seems perplexed.
“Mexican teen sensation” Águila, who is battling the flu, comes to the ring with Taka Michinoku to face Brian Christopher. Kevin Kelly tells us that the night’s technical difficulties don’t have anything to do with the satellite feed, and that the production crew is baffled. Spooky!
Jerry Lawler accompanies his favorite wrestler, who ambushes the feverish luchador. The fact that he is ill adds intrigue to the match—will he kill himself on one of his dives?—as do the flickering lights and noise that interrupt the match. As Christopher beats Águila down with powerbombs and piledrivers, Jim Ross notes the sizable faction of fans who consider Brian the best Light Heavyweight in the WWF. I don’t think there’s a sizable faction of fans who even think about the Light Heavyweight division.
As Águila heads to the top rope, Lawler trips him, causing a disqualification. Incensed at the loss, Brian powerbombs Águila again, then gets dropkicked by Taka off the apron and into his alleged dad. The announcers then have a good laugh at the King’s crown, which has been jammed over his head.
Tonight’s WrestleMania Millennium Moment is Andre the Giant’s elimination of—who else?—Bret Hart at WrestleMania 2. Despite Jim Ross’s hype before and after the clip, no NFL players are shown in the flashback.
Steve Austin, who had an altercation at the airport with a WWF official last night, walks into the arena and into the ring with a camo jacket and fanny pack. Stone Cold has the production truck replay Vince McMahon’s declaration last week that Mike Tyson is “unquestionably the baddest man on the planet”. Austin perceives this as a personal insult and seeks the fans’ validation of his feelings in the form of a “Hell Yeah”.
He then sets up a chair and requests a beer, preparing to camp out in the ring until the “yellow bastard” McMahon faces him. Jim Ross tries to talk sense into Austin but gets threatened with a mudhole stomping. Instead of the boss, out come Gerald Brisco and Jack Lanza, whom he rebuffs. Next comes Commissioner Slaughter, fresh off his latest tour of duty, and again Austin sends him packing. Backstage, Vince refuses to budge despite Brisco’s advice.
WWF Raw comes back with Austin still in the ring, sending away Pat Patterson and a group of young men (adults) in security t-shirts. Finally, McMahon walks down the aisle with Gerald Brisco and Dave Hebner. Austin gets in McMahon’s face to demand he admit that Steve’s the world’s toughest son of a bitch. When Vince dismisses his Tyson comments as “a figure of speech”, Stone Cold flips him off, causing Vince’s eyes to bug out.
After McMahon refuses to give Austin his endorsement for next WWF champion in the form of a Hell Yeah, Stone Cold gives him a free shot and dares him to hit him. In the process, he tears up Vince’s suit. As McMahon retreats, Austin threatens Triple H because he’s here and Shawn isn’t.
Jim Ross apologizes to the fans for Stone Cold’s words and actions as WWF Raw returns. JR calls Steve Austin’s antics embarrassing, saying he crossed the line. Austin so disrupted the night’s broadcast that the WarZone didn’t even get its own intro and theme music.
In the ring are the Quebecers, sporting powder blue singlets, to take on Cactus Jack and Mick Foley. At one point, static covers the whole screen. Jim Ross begs Jacques not to hit Terry Funk’s face against the announce table, but he does it anyway! “Good grief!” shouts JR, in a clip that will no doubt be replayed for years to come. Ross also announces the cancellation of tonight’s NWA tag team title match due to time restraints caused by Steve Austin’s filibuster. Do you think this will hurt Austin’s popularity? Instead, the match will air on WWF Superstars.
“Carl Pierre Oulette”, as Ross identifies him, misses an elbow drop on Funk, who stumbles into a tag to Cactus Jack. All four men brawl in the ring for some time, during which Pierre hits a huracanrana on Cactus Jack off the ropes. The referee nevers does clear the ring. Instead, Funk knocks Jacques out of the ring before Jack hits Pierre with a double-arm DDT. Chainsaw Charlie counts along with the ref as Cactus scores the pin.
Road Dog rains on Jack and Charlie’s parade, ranting about his injuries while wearing a sling, with a band wrapped around his arm and waist. Cactus follows Dog up the ramp, allowing Billy Gunn to ambush Charlie with a chair. Gunn flees before Cactus Jack can intervene. “Nanny nanny boo boo” says Road Dog.
The WWF Superstar Line has scoops on injuries, the Undertaker, and Mike Tyson. Plus, what’s Jim Cornette doing in the ring? And why can’t the WWF put the right logo on their signs?
When WWF Raw returns, the lights go out for Kane’s entrance. Jerry Lawler worries that famous people die in threes. Just yesterday, Jim McDougal and Ray Nitschke died, and now Jim Ross or The King might be next. Of course, to the modern viewer, Ross and Lawler are the only famous people out of that bunch.
Jim Ross reminds viewers of the Undertaker’s unbelievable return from the dead last week, then notes that Taker was in Hampton, Virginia to promote the WWF’s upcoming live event. As one does. The replay of Taker’s resurrection is brought to us by 10-321 and Reginald VelJohnson.
Paul Bearer says he’s spent a week thinking about Undertaker’s return, and it’s made him hotter and hotter. I’ll take his word for it. And Kane, he’s like an oven; the more you twist his knob, the hotter he gets. The Undertaker then interrupts with his dong and turns the lights out. When they come back on, WWF Raw viewers are presented with the surprise of a lifetime: Kane was Isaac Yankem and the new Diesel, according to a fan’s sign. Also, Taker is in the ring until the lights go out once more.
Next Tuesday night, WWF Raw will air on Tuesday for St. Patrick’s Day. WWF Raw on a Tuesday? Can you imagine such a thing?
The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust is decked out in his most outrageous costume yet: a gold feathered robe, a gold wig, and gold and black facepaint. They should call him, “Wigdust”. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is audibly horny at the sight of Luna Vachon. Or, as he puts it even more crassly, “My hormones are slam-dancing in my pants”.
Luna and Sable will both be handcuffed on opposite ring posts for this match, leading Lawler to quote Rihanna’s “S&M”, which will release twelve years later. Jim Ross imagines his mama fainting at the sight of Luna licking her cuffs with her pierced tongue. Sable stares daggers through Vachon, leading Ross to remark that “if looks could kill, Luna would be in a morgue”. Yikes.
Marc Mero and Goldust duke it out while “their respective females” are handcuffed. Mero chases Goldust all the way around the ring until Luna trips him. After laying out Marc, Goldust takes a time out to taunt Sable to her face. the Marvelous One interrupts with an axe handle and brings the action back to the ring.
An Irish whip gone wrong leads to a ref bump, meaning Mike Chioda can’t count the three after Goldust’s Curtain Call. Instead of waking up the referee, Goldust leg-drops him and reaches into Chioda’s pants. “What’s he doing there?” asks a concerned, possibly aroused Jerry Lawler, until Goldust fishes out the handcuff key. Goldust shows the key to Sable, who thinks he’s going to set her free (because she’s stupid).
Instead, the Bizarre One undoes Luna’s cuffs and sics her on Sable, whom she savages with makeup. By the end, Sable looks like The Stalker Barry Windham. Eventually, referees release the irate Sable, who tries to chase Luna up the ramp before Marc restrains her.
After the break, Goldust and Luna challenge Marc and Sable to a mixed tag match at WrestleMania.
A video package recaps Mike Tyson’s WWF involvement and the ensuing media coverage. The WWF then thanks all the news outlets, as well as Big Daddy Kane, the rapper/dentist who performs Tyson’s theme music.
Jim Ross interviews Iron Mike, who was disappointed in his by Stone Cold, whom he knows better as Cold Stone. As for D-X “using” him, Tyson says everybody uses people to get ahead. As for being a fair and impartial enforcer, Tyson will be as fair as the treatment he’s received in the WWF.
Tonight’s main event promises a confrontation between Triple H and Stone Cold Steve Austin, resulting in extra security. If you want to get technical, the actual match is Triple H vs. Savio Vega. The bell rings at 10:58:50 Eastern time. Despite the limited time left in the show, Hunter and Savio start off slowly with a collar and elbow tie-up. Immediately, Steve Austin shows up as promised and stuns both Gerald Brisco, Mike Chioda (who is having a bad night), and Savio Vega. Stone Cold’s rampage ends when Shawn Michaels, supposedly in Texas, superkicks Austin. Triple H holds Austin in place as Michaels prepares to hit him with a chair, but WWF Raw signs off before we see the outcome.
Final tally:
1 JR’s Mama (Year total: 1)