To Haku! The Sequel!

18 Submitted by on Wed, 05 March 2014, 20:15

(at a New York area bar, after day one of a recent legends of wrestling convention came to a close…)

harley

Haku is a son of a bitch! You guys know what I’m talking about, right?

finlay

Hell yeah I know Haku! Good friend, but a mean bastard!

regal

I wouldn’t mess with em! Toughest gent I know!

funk

TO HAKU!

drunks

 TO HAKU!

regal

I ever tell you blokes about the time Haku had my family and I over for a barbecue?

harley

I once pulled a fire alarm at a children’s hospital!

trio1

………

regal

Well anyway, Haku has us over, along with Orndorff and his family, and we’re celebrating the Fourth of July! It’s a lovely meal, you know he makes a crisp pulled-pork sandwich. We’re chatting about, enjoying ourselves, and Haku suddenly yells to all the children, “LOOK OUT KIDS!” Then he runs around the side of his house, and we hear a struggle! He returns with a dead rabbit in his hand! He screams into the mangled critter’s face, “You HAD your holiday! Wait your turn, and tell Santa not to poke his fat ass in until December!” Then he spikes the rabbit, yells ‘touchdown’, and runs off to get the fireworks while singing the American Males theme song! He was totally drunk and Paul and I had a laugh, but our kids sadly failed to see the humor in it.

harley

Ha ha, well *I* see why it’s funny! Haku’s always been the life of the party!

funk

Ya know, he plays Texas Hold’em with a Designing Women nudie deck!

finlay

His homemade microwave has a ‘dismember’ button!

regal

He’s a loving father who feeds lobster tail to his kids, and Kibbles n Bits to his mother-in-law!

harley

He bleeds Snapple!

regal

TO HAKU!

drunks

TO HAKU!

finlay

Hey, how about that time in ’96 when Haku got to carry the Olympic Torch!

regal

I once robbed a Salvation Army bell-ringer at gunpoint!

trio1

………

finlay

Well, anyway, because the Olympics were in Atlanta, Haku got to carry the torch for a length of the run, as a WCW representative, right? He’s running down Piedmont Road, and people are clapping and waving. Then to everyone’s horror, he runs inside the Atlanta Gold Club WITH THE TORCH! Ninety minutes pass before this crazy bastard emerges with sweat on his brow and a smile on his face before announcing, “Anyone that hates the flavor of tuna paste, I’d advise you not to lick the handle!” Also, three dancers died of smoke inhalation, because there’s no windows in the club!

funk

He golfs on Thursdays with George Takei, and makes Wil Wheaton carry both sets of clubs!

regal

Haku showed me how to induce an orgasm from a leaf blower!

harley

He exchanges venison recipes with The Machine from 8mm!

finlay

TO HAKU!

drunks

TO HAKU!

funk

Do you guys remember the time Haku hosted the Oscars?

finlay

I screened ‘Hostel’ for a group of Boy Scouts!

trio1

………..

funk

Well anyway, Haku was invited to host the Oscars one year, and none of us thought he’d be any good, to be honest! Truth be told, he was an animated and charismatic host! His quips were sharp, and he showed no nerves whatsoever! Then halfway through the show, he respectfully introduces the “In Memoriam” video for everyone that died in the past year, right? Well, there’s no video; the lights dim and the words “ALL OF YOU” appear on the screens! Then a vat of hydrochloric acid is dumped all over everyone in attendance, and Haku yells over the smoke and screams, “I KNOW ONE OF YOU PUT THE KIBOSH ON A FOURTH FRIDAY MOVIE, AND NOW YOU’RE ALL GONNA PAY!” He tipped off James Caan to the plan in advance out of respect, figuring it’d be redemption for Sonny Corleone getting blown to smithereens at the toll booth!

regal

Ha ha, man, that sounds like the Haku we know and love!

finlay

Ya know, I’ve seen him piss clean through a bulletproof vest!

harley

All have his kids have the middle name ‘Q-Bert’!

regal

The birthmark on the back of Haku’s thigh looks like Carol Brady giving a lapdance to George Jefferson!

funk

Out of all the Halloween movies, Haku found Part IV to be the most romantic!

finlay

He once carjacked my son on the bumper car ride at the county fair with a tire iron!

funk

TO HAKU!

drunks

TO HAKU!

ron

Damn, are you drunken fools talkin’ bout Haku?

harley

We certainly ARE!

ron

I KNOW Haku! He took me to Benihana’s for my birthday, and tap-danced on the grill barefoot without flinching!

regal

I WANNA BUY YOU A DRINK!

harley

Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Haku took me to that day spa in Detroit?

funk

I’m in favor of de-pushing Daniel Bryan!

trio1

…………..

harley

So anyway, Haku treats me to a day at the spa. This is around 1988, and we’re both sore from wrestling and all the travel. So we go in, and he says to the cashier, “two full massages, please.” This little old woman masseuse walks out and laughs, saying we’re a couple of ‘pretend wrestlers’ and we really don’t get hurt! Well, *I* knew she was just busting our balls, but you know Haku, he drags her by the throat into the sauna, and gives her the Steiner Screwdriver onto the heat rocks! Well, she’s dead, or possibly just really comatose, but there’s a happy ending, if you’ll excuse the pun, because Haku took over massage duties until the next masseuse’s shift! And by ‘happy ending’, I mean Haku punched everyone’s pressure points for my amusement, and then made one fat bastard eat a full cup of relaxation mud! I tell ya, I laughed all of my aches away!

funk

He won a state marbles tournament with Jesse Barr’s glass eye!

regal

His taint sweat can get scratches out of most car exteriors!

finlay

He won the Scripps National Spelling Bee while in a medically-induced coma!

funk

Haku’s the first pimp I know of that instituted an Employee-of-the-Month program!

harley

TO HAKU!

drunks

TO HAKU!

haku

BOTTOMS UP BOYS; THE PARTY ONLY STARTS WHEN I WALK IN!

TO HAKU!!!!!!

(Thanks to Catherine Perez for the Photoshop work. Follow Justin on Twitter)

(For the original “To Haku”, click here!)

Written by

Justin Henry is WrestleCrap's inquiring newsman, thirsting for knowledge always. He enjoys the art of satire, as you'll find in many of his works here at WrestleCrap. Drop him a line on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh) and Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/jrhwriting)
18 Responses to "To Haku! The Sequel!"
  1. Jeff Barna says:

    A Machine from 8MMS reference! Awesome!

  2. Kev says:

    Haku built Jesus’ hot rod.

    Haku does not obey the laws of physics, the laws of physics obey Haku.

  3. Autrach Sejanoz says:

    This made my day!

  4. Charles Belles says:

    So does this mean that Haku is more of a man than both meng and chuck Norris?

    • Ezenwa says:

      Maybe…but if we’re bringing Chuck Norris into the equation…..then we have to bring in Bruce Lee for the sake of aesthetics.

      And I’m not sure if Haku could hang with Bruce….not fully…

  5. nickety-split says:

    Since when is William Regal a legit tough guy?

    • Justin Henry says:

      Since he 1) worked as a carnival shooter at age 15, 2) came back from a near-fatal heart condition a decade ago to still contribute at an extremely high level, and 3) when he chose to become a professional wrestler, period.

  6. JustAGuyGuy says:

    Haku is a curse word in dolphin language!

  7. Drew says:

    Haiku’s heart is the size of a basketball filled with ricotta cheese!

  8. The 'House says:

    He helped deliver a breeched calf by crescent kicking the mother cow in the face!

  9. Mister Forth says:

    He co-wrote Beetlejuice after a 3 day PCP bender.

  10. Kev says:

    His face is a tattoo of his own face on his face.

    His ‘fro has its own three-car garage.

    Everywhere he goes is a WiFi hot spot.

    He can make honey badgers give a f***.

    His one-word review of Duke Nukem Forever? “Apricots.”

    He can play XBox games on his Playstation.

    He once jailbroke his iPhone with an actual jailbreak.

    He thought Candy Crush Saga was semi-autobiographical.

    His afro contains a working Flux Capacitor.

  11. Stephen says:

    TO HAKU!

    Haku once had his kidneys removed during a match. He won, since that’s an illegal hold. He worked a match the next night.

    (In all seriousness, this is probably my favourite WrestleCrap “sketch”. I loved the first one and I’m happy it’s returned for a sequel. To many more! AND TO HAKU!)

  12. Drew B says:

    Back in 2001 I wrote a series of Haku haiku’s. I have them in a book somewhere. Here’s the one I remember:

    Haku just came back
    At this year’s Royal Rumble
    Wild hair flowing

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