As I write this, we are hours away from the kick off of the so-called Wednesday Nigh Wars, pitting upstart AEW against WWE’s super indy fed disguised as a developmental territory, NXT. I’ve become hesitant over the years to timestamp inductions in a manner such as this, as it instantly dates it for anyone reading, but this evening I think it’s important to do so as it ties into the subject manner at hand. That would be one Phil Brooks, known to wrestling fans the world over as CM Punk.
A lot of folks love Punk. A lot of folks think he’s an overrated clown. But the fact of the matter is, people do know him. I’m not honestly sure what side of the fence I’m on with Punk (varies by the day), but I do feel he could be a difference maker for either side, should he actually decide that he wants to get back into the ring. The fact that he’s stayed away from the wrestling ring for so many years has done nothing but drive up whatever price folks would be willing to pay for his services. But will he actually lace up the boots once more?
Well crap, if you don’t know, who would?
For whatever it’s worth here’s my quick answer: he definitely won’t if he reads this here induction. Tonight we’re going to revisit what was unquestionably the worst feud of his WWE career.
Ironically, when I decided Punk’s worst feud would make for interesting reading, I remembered when Punk got super popular for a spell, only for WWE to quickly hose him down in an unwanted feud with Kevin Nash. While it turns out Punk was spared of being squashed by Nash (the big guy went down with an injury), he had a different feud that I promise was worse than even a prolonged series of Big Sexy battles would have been. Because as bad as Nash could be at times…
…he was no Big Daddy V!
And Sweet Christmas did BDV and Punk have some horrendous matches.
That’s right, matchES – the battled over and over on and off for months. Now best I can tell, their first match was in the late summer of 2007…and they didn’t wrap things up until nearly a HALF YEAR LATER.
Who on earth thought we needed six months of absolute atrocities like this?
Hey, is this the first time both you and AJ appeared in the same induction? That’s kinda historic.
Anyway, yeah, these encounters took place in the best-forgotten WWE version of ECW. Remember that? With the Zombie and Kevin the Vampire? Well, Punk was new to the company, and even in his early days, it was obvious he had a good connection to the fans. In this first match we are going to cover, he came out to a huge ovation as the show that night was taking place in his hometown of Chicago, IL. A WWE babyface in their hometown? That always goes well!
So Punk attempted to start out fast, ducking into a go-behind on his much larger foe.
Unfortunately, the massive jiggling of V was too much for the straight-edge superstar. In the interest of not body shaming anyone, I will just ask you to look at the GIF above and…ummmm….end this sentence.
So Punk gets beaten from pillar to post, eventually falling prey to my favorite of all super heavyweight maneuvers – THE FALLING DOWN FAT MAN KICK!
As Joey Styles talks about how athletic V is all I can think is, “Did that guy’s ankle just give out? Is he ok?”
Apparently such a maneuver was so powerful that it left Punk down and out on the floor. In fact, it appears he is in tears I know I mocked Seth Rollins the other day for crying in fear of
Bray Wyatt THE FIEND, but at least that guy had a spooky mask.
All V has is…
Won’t lie, that physique kinda makes me want to cry as well. As does the fact that Punk loses by count out as he can’t even muster the strength to get back in the ring.
But hey, don’t you fret – we actually got a rematch a month or so later…at No Mercy!
That’s right – WWE thought this was such a great match you’d actually want to PAY for it!!!
So Punk comes out as YOUR ECW Heavyweight Champion of the world. Now I know what you are thinking – Punk should be here to get his rightful revenge after being made to look like such an utter fool.
After all, he’s the CHAMPION, right?
So the two begin the battle and if you thought that first match was bad…
…I guess I just give you this as proof to the contrary.
I legit have zero idea what that Big Daddy is doing there. But…somehow, it is kinda mesmerizing in its utter absurdity.
I’m half tempted to post that as the GIF of the Week and never change it for the remainder of this site’s existence.
Somehow Punk escapes from being V’s flesh mattress (fleshmattress.com, I bet that URL’s not taken!) and scales the top rope, actually knocking Big Daddy off his feet with a missile dropkick. With V actually falling to the mat in pain, his manager Matt Stryker runs in for the DQ.
Time of the contest? A little less than two minutes. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t complain.
Of course we can’t have Punk actually look like a victor, so Vis kills him again after the bell.
I love it when WWE goes out of their way to make 100% sure no on ever gets over on their programs.
But don’t you worry – here’s ANOTHER match, wherein the winner qualifies for the WrestleMania Money in the Bank. Because think about how thrilling it would be to have a 500+ pound guy attempting to scale ladders!
Now stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
Big Daddy V beats up Punk and gives him zero offense.
I didn’t time these matches, but I would be willing to bet at least 97.4% of the time Punk is on his knees looking like a total loser.
Amazingly, though, this time poor Phil finally mounts a comeback and attempts to fell his foe with his finisher, the GTS.
The GTS, or Go To Sleep, is a move in which Punk lifts his opponent on his shoulders, then drops him down head first into Punk’s knee.
It looks like this.
Before we go any further, I should remind you that his opponent this night weighs a quarter of a ton.
Only one way to describe Punk after that: the world’s dumbest man.
But hey, V falls out of the ring and collapses on the ground. Sensing a potential count out victory, Punk jumps up and down asking the ref to count faster.
My neighbor’s three year old doesn’t bounce as high on his trampoline as Punk is here, celebrating as if he’d just won the WWE championship.
What a geek.
But hey, at least he finally won a match against Big Daddy V. And it was their last match ever. Maybe such a celebration is warranted.
As for what the future holds Punk, who knows? AEW? New Japan? WWE? If I’m a betting man, he winds up back with Vince.
Can’t wait to see Bray Wyatt doing that to him.
Thanks for reading another WrestleCrap induction! We hope it made you laugh. Honestly, if that GIF of Viscera going round and round didn’t, I don’t know we can help you. But yeah, if you chuckled even a bit, would you consider kicking a couple bucks into our Patreon? You can do so by clicking, oh yes, rightchere!