from RD: As you can probably surmise from the title, this has nothing
to do with wrestling. But since reviewing bad Christmas movies has
become a holiday tradition here at the Crap, I thought there was
nothing more appropriate to cover than this stinkbomb from the late
17, 1978 is a date that a lot of sci-fi fans would like to forget
ever existed. But as much as they'd like to erase it from their
memory banks, trust me, there is no one on the planet that would
like this date wiped from history more than George Lucas.
it is on that day that the Star Wars Holiday Special was
are likely many among you unfamiliar with this forgotten gem, and
no doubt some of you are hearing of it for the first time. At the
time of its first - and ONLY - airing on national television, Star
Wars mania was at its zenith. The first film had shattered every
box office record, and fans couldn't wait for the sequel (which
was still two years away). Toys were flying off store shelves. Heck,
even that horrible Star Wars disco mix (by mega group MECCA) was
selling like hotcakes.
seemed as if Star Wars could do no wrong.
it did...my God did it ever.
not that the actors from the movie weren't there. They were.
Peter Mayhew was there in his Chewbacca get up, and Anthony
Daniels slapped on the gold plates to reprise his C3PO role.
Heck, even the big three put in an appearance:
Hamill (who was wearing so much make up that it appeared he
signed a sponsorship deal with Max Factor)...
Ford (looking like he'd be anywhere else in the galaxy)...
Carrie Fisher (who looked...well, there's just no nice way
to put this...the poor girl just look absolutely coked out
of her mind. Seriously, it's a toss up between her and Drew
Barrymore for the coveted "Best Stoned Actress in a Supporting
Role in a Crappy Christmas Movie" WrestleCrap Oscar (and
yes, before you email, of course the statue depicts a rapping
fat man in what appears to be a clown suit)).
but there's more. So much more. So painfully much more.
see, not only are all our old friends here, but we are also
introduced to new characters in the Star Wars universe.
get to all the Love Boat reject guest stars in due
time, but right now, I want to discuss the real stars of our
show: Chewbacca's family.
you didn't know Chewy had a family. I know I didn't. And after
watching this entire fiasco, I wish I never did.
up, we have Mala, Chewbacca's wife. The more astute amongst
you will note she looks just like Chewbacca, with the exception
of lipstick. No, I am not making that up - she is a LIPSTICK
WEARING WOOKIE. See, that's how we know she's female. Isn't
there's Grampa Itchy. He's a old coot with an unhealthy porn
fetish. You think I'm joking, but as you will soon see, I
am most definitely not.
and most annoyingly, we have Chewbacca's son, Lumpy.
will soon learn to hate Lumpy. You'll hate him when he smiles,
you'll hate him when he looks sad, you'll hate him when he
growls, and you'll hate him when he watches his holographic
Cirque de Soleil gymnasts.
an annoyance scale, think of Jar Jar Binks and every single
Ewok rolled into one, then multiply that nightmare by 3,720.
mean, seriously - just look at him. Stop and look at that
image to the right.
me you have ever, in your life, wanted to set fire to something
I guess I should give some backstory, as there is, believe
it or not, a plot to this pile of intergalactic garbage. The
"holiday" in the special's title isn't Christmas
or New Year's or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or any silly old earth
holiday. No, it's Life Day, which is a day when Wookies celebrate,
yep, you guessed it, LIFE.
is trying to get Chewy home for the blessed day (via what
appears to be a five dollar reconstruction of the Millenium
Falcon set), but the two continually run into Imperial Forces.
As the Wookie family awaits their husband/son/father, they
wail and moan for fifteen minutes straight.
let me ensure you that I am not exaggerating; the segment
from the first commercial break to the next one contains exactly
zero English, or for that matter, any other earth language.
Instead, we get wookie talk like
to contact Han and Chewy, the Wookie family decides to give
Luke a shout. Unfortunately, he hasn't heard from them either,
but speculates they probably ran into traffic, so no worries.
isn't buying it, but Luke is insistent that things will be
ok. He then tells
her to turn that frown upside down
(even going so far as to demonstrate how to do so).
you ever questioned if Luke was going to the dark side, there's
your answer right there.
you imagine Emperor Palpatine urging a lipstick wearing Wookie
we get introduced to one of the new characters in the Star
Wars saga: Art Carney!
He plays Saundun, a merchant on the wookie planet who runs
a pawn shop/pet store, specialzing in...
the Imperial lieutenant (whose helmet is so gargantuan that
it almost has to be the inspiration for Dark Helmet in Space
Balls) is unimpressed, instead choosing to outright steal
a new billfold. Bastard!
to what appears to be the Death Star (hey, didn't they blow
that up in the first film), as James Earl Jones makes his
only appearance in the show. Jones utters his single line
as footage from the original film (with the lieutenant's lines
being very badly dubbed) is shown.
Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, commands that "every
household in the system" been searched. Maybe
it's just me, but hearing Darth Vader say the word "household"
you'd think with his mastery of the force, he'd know that
his hired goons are just hanging out at pet shops staring
at miniature fish anyway.
should mention that the tape I have of this fiasco actually
has a ton of vintage commercials for everything from Hungry
Reggie Jackson candy bar (get this - it's called the "Reggie
Bar") and crappy donut shaped phones that apparently
were all the rage as Christmas presents back in the day.
to my dear wife: don't get me one of those phones for Christmas.
I swear I'll ask for a divorce if you do.
to the insanity we go, as
when we return, we're with Mala in her Wookie kitchen whipping
up some Wookiechow. Unsure exactly how to make a Bantha Rump
Roast, she turns on her TV to find a FOUR
ARMED HARVEY KORMAN IN DRAG.
leads to a comedy (??) bit in which Harvina (so this is where
Whippleman got the idea!) and her Nerf-looking limbs flail
about and fling slop all over the place.
you laughing yet?
know I'm not!
the torture hasn't even really begun yet. Oh no.
real crap begins when Saundun brings Itchy a virtual reality
set featuring, and I'm just quoting the guy here, lots of
if you know what I mean."
I don't know what he means, and to be honest, I'm not sure
I want to.
the headset is wrapped around Itchy's cranium, the old guy
is treated to silhouttes of women swimming by; just imagine
a poverty stricken man's James Bond intro and you'll get the
the scene finally clears, Itchy is left alone with 1970's
disco diva Diahann Carroll, who proceeds to give the geriatric
Wookie a virtual blow job. Itchy
responds by bouncing up and down in what can only be described
as sexual delight.
all you want - I just WISH I was making this
guess the old saying really is true: nothing says "Happy
Life Day" like Wookie ejaculate.
and I should note that on IMDB, Carroll's character is listed
as "Holographic Wow." I could retire if I could
write comedy that good.)
we finally get away from Papaw Itchy's Spankathon to visit
C-3PO and Princess Leia in what appears to be an interstellar
space office. In fact, Leia is operating what appears to be
an ADDING MACHINE, thus lending credence to my theory that
the "Long Time Ago" in the opening crawl actually
refers to 1973.
story short, they don't know where Han and Chewy are, either.
this time, however, Lumpy hears the Falcon soar over top the
ship's approach is visualized by footage from the first movie
with the blue planet of Yavin turned green - in fact, they
just turned the entire screen green, as the Falcon is now
jade colored now as well!
at the thought of his dad coming home, Lumpy rushes to the
door. But instead of finding Chewy, he discovers more Imperial
before they can shoot anyone, Saundan shows up with another
zany invention, which he demonstrates to one of the guards.
this device too offers plenty of "wow."
just a different kind of wow.
apologize. That's just a penile shaped microphone. Silly me.
actually Jefferson Starship, playing a song so atrociously
awful that it makes one long for a Kenny G-Michael Bolton
seems things can't possibly get worse, and amazingly, they
actually get a glimmer of hope, as Lumpy dons a headset and
watches a a Star Wars cartoon.
the artwork is insanely horrible (check out Han Solo!), the
story itself is actually ok. On top of that, we are introduced
for the first time ever to...
the best bounty hunter in the galaxy was first introduced
to fans on the STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL. Frightening.
the onset of the cartoon, he actually befriends Luke. He cleverly
convinces Luke he is a good guy by continually calling him
know, for a guy who'd eventually become the most powerful
Jedi in the galaxy, Luke
is pretty dumb here.
enough, though, the cartoon ends and it's once again back
to the horrible live action stuff, as we head inexplicably
to Tatooine and the Mos Eisley cantina. Here we find Harvey
Korman, who has changed outfits and is putting the moves on
new cantina owner (and I can't believe I'm even typing this)
THAT Bea Arthur, she of Golden Girls fame.
Bea rebukes Harv's advances....
he drowns his sorrows by pouring drinks into a hole atop his
as long as he's not in drag or watching porn, I'm cool with
Empire, however, isn't cool with anything, as they decide
to shut down the cantina.
is so devastated by the events that she dances a jig...
makes it home, and he and Han take out the stormtrooper
holding the family hostage.
him and causing him to fall to his death.
those guys were inept and stupid and horrible shots and
all, but that seems a wee bit far fetched.
shares a tender
Wookie clan in a moment that will have each and every one
of you reaching for the Mylanta. |
if that's not bad enough, Han Solo, rogue space pirate, devil
may care mercenary, mutters this.
Greedo shooting first, this makes Han look like the biggest
puss in the galaxy. Seriously, after that line, Han makes
Alf look like a sci fi bad ass.
heart in hand, Han departs leaving Chewy and Mala to get
make a joke here, but seriously - it's two WOOKIES MAKING
the hell could I ever say that would top that?
clan dons red robes and carries candles to...some pit or
I don't know. I just want it to end.
it does, but not before Princess Leia sings (well, TRIES
to sing) a song to...oh dear Lord no...the STAR WARS MAIN
generally I'd be a smart ass here, but there's nothing I
can say that compares to this,
so I won't even try.
doubt by this point you realize just how horrendous this dung heap
was, but let me just add this one final tidbit. George Lucas, the
man who has brought to market no less than like ten different video
versions of the Star Wars films and the biggest marketing shill
this side of Gene Simmons, won't release this turd to the home market.
about that - he's actually willing to give up money
just so this thing stays hidden.
fact, during an Australian convetion, he remarked, "If I had
the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every bootlegged
copy of that program and smash it."
be right there with you, George.
thanks to David Hofstede's fantastic book "What
Were They Thinking? The 100 Dumbest Events in Television History"
(which listed this special at number one!) for some of the info
in this induction.
- Lumpy (LUMPY!!) wails on in a manner most
- Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight: "Come
on Mala, let's see a little smile. Come on..."
Skywalker, Who Would Become the Most Powerful Jedi in the Galaxy:
"There, that's better. Try to enjoy your Life Day."
- Darth Vader: "I want the rebels located
and identified if it means searching everyhousehold in the system!"
- The AWESOME Hungry Jack theme song: "Hungry,
Hungry Jack....gobble down and the plate comes back for Hungry Jack!"
- Harvey Korman, Transvestite Space Cook:
"Whip whip stir whip stir whip whip stir whip whip whip dooo
da dooo da deee!"
- Saundan: "I thought you might like
this...it's a....well, it's kind of hard to explain...it's a...WOW!
You know what I mean? Happy Life Day...and I do mean Happy Life
- Holographic Wow: "I am found in your
eyes only eyes only - I am in your mind as you create me. Ohhh yes....I
can feel my creation...*giggles*. I'm getting your message - are
you getting mine?"
(on the verge of a spewing his load): "ARRGGHHHUGHH!"
"Oh...oh...we are excited, aren't we?"
- Boba Fett: "Follow me, friend."
"Don't you think it might be imprudent to trust him so quickly,
"He's our only chance...and besides, he seems like a friend."
- Bea Arthur (to the Cantina Band Theme):
"So it's good night friends...good night, but not good bye..."
- Han Solo (with sappy music in background):
"You're like...family...to me."
- Han Solo - HAN F***ING SOLO: "Would
you look at Lumpy! He's sure grown, huh? And I think his voice is
"Come on, I'm just teasing."
- Princess Leia (to the STAR WARS MAIN TITLE):
"A day that takes us through the darkness/a day that leads
us into light/a day that we celebrate/the LIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHTTTT!"