With Valentine’s Day fast approaching —you know that day where the average wrestling fan masturbates into his favorite sock, (Mr. Cocko?) and then cries himself to sleep—I thought I’d get the jump on the festivities early and introduce my *own* line of patented (just registered it and the phonograph this morning) Valentine’s Day cards, guaranteed to get you blank stares of bewilderment from everyone who ISN’T F*CKING AWESOME.

In any event, I knew I could have gone the clichéd route, with an HBK, a Rick Rude perhaps, hell, even the aptly named Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, who no doubt turned the capillary brace backwards and broke all our hearts – but I decided “no.” I instead thought outside the box. Or inside it. And decided that only one man should sternly wish you or your most cherished loved ones a what for this V.D. Season:

THE LATE, GREAT, GORILLA MONSOON.

Yes, that’s right. A man who knew all about love. For he was a man who loved abdominal stretches and lateral presses SO MUCH, for example, that it virtually (or LITERALLY! ™ Gorilla) broke the big man’s heart every time they were misapplied. (He too was a man whom no doubt would find your datelessness this February 14th a true miscarriage of justice as well.).

So let’s get to it! And by all means copy and paste and share these with those you care about most. Gorilla would have wanted it that way. (He’d have also wanted you to fully grapevine that leg to properly execute that abdominal stretch.).