Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here JEAN-PIERRE LAFITTE SHOOTS OTHER EYE OUT WITH RED RYDER BB GUN By Justin Henry Hohman, IN – Professional wrestler/freelance pirate Jean-Pierre Lafitte had wanted a Red Ryder BB gun his entire life. Despite many Christmases of asking Continue Reading...
All The Latest Crap!
Headlies: WWE ADDS “FIVE MINUTE TIME LIMIT” TO RAW MATCHES TO “HEIGHTEN DRAMA”
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:45Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here WWE ADDS “FIVE MINUTE TIME LIMIT” TO RAW MATCHES TO “HEIGHTEN DRAMA” By Justin Henry Stamford, CT – To add a sense of drama and tension to the otherwise compact matches on WWE Monday Night Raw, World Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE FORGES SOLIDARITY PACT WITH PENN STATE AND SYRACUSE VICTIMS, FIRES TERRY GARVIN’S CORPSE
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:44Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here WWE FORGES SOLIDARITY PACT WITH PENN STATE AND SYRACUSE VICTIMS, FIRES TERRY GARVIN’S CORPSE By Justin Henry Stamford, CT – In the wake of the sexual abuse scandals that have rocked Penn State University’s football program, as Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE FINDS YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE’S INFATUATION WITH HAVING STRONG DIVA ROLE MODELS TO BE “ADORABLE”/ MIDNIGHT ROSE TO MATT HARDY: “SHE WAS MINE BEFORE SHE WAS YOURS!” / CREEPY F—KING WEIRDO HOPES TO PURCHASE KAMALA’S AMPUTATED FOOT, ADD IT TO COLLECTION WITH KERRY VON ERICH’S FOOT PURCHASED AT BLACK MARKET AUCTION
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:42Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here WWE FINDS YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE’S INFATUATION WITH HAVING STRONG DIVA ROLE MODELS TO BE “ADORABLE” By Justin Henry Stamford, CT – A spokesman for World Wrestling Entertainment reports that CEO Vince McMahon, among several other higher ups Continue Reading...
Headlies: CHARLIE HAAS EARNS MONEY AS “TECHNICALLY PRECISE, BUT CHARISMATICALLY BANKRUPT” BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWN / WWE SUSPENDS TWITTER FOR THIRTY DAYS DUE TO WELLNESS POLICY VIOLATION
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:39Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here CHARLIE HAAS EARNS MONEY AS “TECHNICALLY PRECISE, BUT CHARISMATICALLY BANKRUPT” BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWN By Justin Henry Edmond, OK – Former WWE superstar and current ROH World Tag Team Champion Charlie Haas is approaching his fortieth birthday. With Continue Reading...
Headlies: MICHAEL COLE’S HOUSE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF “TRICK OR TWEETERS” THIS YEAR / SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES IN WWE ’12 ASK USER, “ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN’T RATHER BE JOHN CENA?”
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:36Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here MICHAEL COLE’S HOUSE WILL HAVE PLENTY OF “TRICK OR TWEETERS” THIS YEAR By Justin Henry Amenia, NY – Children who go trick or treating this year in Michael Cole’s neck of the woods had best be prepared Continue Reading...
Headlies: HULK HOGAN FINALLY CRUMPLES MOAMMAR GHADDAFI AFTER 26-YEAR SEARCH
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:34Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here HULK HOGAN FINALLY CRUMPLES MOAMMAR GHADDAFI AFTER 26-YEAR SEARCH By Justin Henry Sirte, Libya – There has been much rejoicing throughout Libya, as well as across the globe, after news broke of the assassination of longtime Libyan Continue Reading...
Headlies: TRIPLE H VS. BROOM MATCH RATED “DUD” BY DAVE MELTZER
0 Submitted by RD Reynolds on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:31Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here TRIPLE H VS. BROOM MATCH RATED “DUD” BY DAVE MELTZER By RD Reynolds San Jose, CA – Former World Wrestling Entertainment Chief Operating Officer Paul “Triple H” Levesque faced arguably his most interesting opponent to date as Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE.COM POLL RATES YOSHI TATSU HIGHER THAN JUSHIN LIGER, GREAT MUTA IN GREATEST JAPANESE STARS RANKINGS / MAN FOLLOWS BATISTA INSIDE HIS PIT OF DANGER
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:29Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here WWE.COM POLL RATES YOSHI TATSU HIGHER THAN JUSHIN LIGER, GREAT MUTA IN GREATEST JAPANESE STARS RANKINGS By Justin Henry Stamford, CT – WWE.com has devoted web space in the past to ranking the top matches, superstars, and Continue Reading...
Headlies: EXECUTIVE BEHIND WWE NETWORK FAILS WELLNESS TEST / SHOCKER: TED DIBIASE’S REAL FATHER REVEALED AS KEN PATERA
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:27Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here EXECUTIVE BEHIND WWE NETWORK FAILS WELLNESS TEST By Justin Henry Stamford, CT – Barrington Harris, a forty-seven year old marketing executive for World Wrestling Entertainment, has failed the company’s stringently-enforced drug test, according to sources. Harris, the Continue Reading...
Headlies: KELLY KELLY EXCITED ABOUT MUPPETS COMING TO RAW, REUNITING WITH MOTHER JANICE / “SLATER OR GABRIEL?” BECOMES NEW “GINGER OR MARY ANN?” OF BACKSTAGE DEBATES
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:24Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here KELLY KELLY EXCITED ABOUT MUPPETS COMING TO RAW, REUNITING WITH MOTHER JANICE By Justin Henry Cleveland, OH – Catching up with WWE Divas’ Champion Kelly Kelly after Raw on Monday night, the 24-year-old star was quick to Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE BUYS RIGHTS TO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH FRANCHISE, BEGINS WORK ON ‘JASON VS. CENA’ / COWBOY BOB ORTON RENEGES ON PRIOR REMARK TOWARD SON; NO LONGER REGRETS “NOT PULLING OUT”
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:22Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here WWE BUYS RIGHTS TO FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH FRANCHISE, BEGINS WORK ON ‘JASON VS. CENA’ By Justin Henry Los Angeles, CA – WWE Films has announced Wednesday that New Line Cinema has agreed to sell the rights to Continue Reading...
Headlies: DIXIE CARTER’S FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM BOASTS HAS-BEENS AND NEVER WERES APPROVED BY HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFF / CM PUNK FANS FINALLY BUY INTO “CYCLICAL BUSINESS” AS REASON FOR LOW RAW RATINGS
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:21Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here DIXIE CARTER’S FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM BOASTS HAS-BEENS AND NEVER WERES APPROVED BY HULK HOGAN AND ERIC BISCHOFF By Justin Henry Nashville, TN – With the 2011 NFL season gearing up, thousands of fantasy football players are excitedly Continue Reading...
Headlies: MOAMMAR GADHAFI WILL STEP DOWN IF WWE LETS HIM HAVE RICARDO RODRIGUEZ / MAN AWAKES FROM COMA AFTER 8 YEARS, CAN’T BELIEVE WWE ACTUALLY PUSHED RANDY ORTON
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:19Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here MOAMMAR GADHAFI WILL STEP DOWN IF WWE LETS HIM HAVE RICARDO RODRIGUEZ By Justin Henry Tripoli, Libya – With rebel forces having overtaken the Libyan capital, it seems to be only a matter of time before Moammar Continue Reading...
Headlies: MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY TEARS SHOULDER WHILE DOING “BEHIND-THE-BACK” TOWEL TRICK / KAMALA MOWS LAWN
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:17Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here MICHAEL MCGILLICUTTY TEARS SHOULDER WHILE DOING “BEHIND-THE-BACK” TOWEL TRICK By Justin Henry San Diego, CA – Michael McGillicutty has found it difficult to live up to the lofty legacy of his Hall of Fame father, “Mr. Perfect” Continue Reading...
Headlies: EVAN BOURNE TAKES AJ TO SEE “SMURFS 3D”, RESISTS URGE TO HOLD HER HAND / STAUNCH OLD-SCHOOL FAN TAPES SUMMERSLAM ON SUNDAY, WON’T WATCH IT TIL LAST MONDAY OF THE MONTH
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:15Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here EVAN BOURNE TAKES AJ TO SEE “SMURFS 3D”, RESISTS URGE TO HOLD HER HAND By Justin Henry Los Angeles, CA – WWE superstar/alleged adult Evan Bourne recently took in a screening of “The Smurfs: 3D”, and the Continue Reading...
Headlies: MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING TAMINA ORDERED TO GET NEW PRESCRIPTION GLASSES / “CM PUNK’S CURRENT WWE TITLE REIGN IS THE GREATEST EVER!” ACCORDING TO INCLUSIVE POLL
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:13Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here MAN ACCUSED OF STALKING TAMINA ORDERED TO GET NEW PRESCRIPTION GLASSES By Justin Henry Reading, PA – A widowed former postal clerk has been ordered in a Berks County court to not only stop stalking a particularly Continue Reading...
Headlies: HILARIOUS HEY DUDE EPISODE CAUSES JOSH MATHEWS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY WHILE RECORDING SMACKDOWN / FAN UPLOADS ENTIRE 1999 EPISODES OF WCW SATURDAY NIGHT, “DOESN’T MIND” CREEPY MESSAGES FROM OTHER FANS
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:11HILARIOUS HEY DUDE EPISODE CAUSES JOSH MATHEWS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY WHILE RECORDING SMACKDOWN By Justin Henry Philadelphia, PA – Things got a little carried away at this week’s Smackdown tapings in the city of Brotherly Love. Josh Mathews, a WWE announcer long regarded for his professionalism and genuine love of his work, was unable to keep his composure during a Continue Reading...
Headlies: RANDY ORTON ASKS TO BORROW “HEAT MACHINE” FOR USE IN DAILY LIFE / MATHEMATICIAN DEVELOPS “PWTORCH / TNA MATCH RATING SHORTCHANGE THEOREM”
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:10RANDY ORTON ASKS TO BORROW “HEAT MACHINE” FOR USE IN DAILY LIFE By Justin Henry St. Louis, MO – Former eight time World Champion Randy Orton hasn’t always been the most popular of champions, as WWE would prefer fans to believe, and even he admits that. “I don’t know where my career would be without Smackdown’s heat machine,” said Orton, Continue Reading...
Headlies: DOCTOR THAT PERFORMED ROB CONWAY’S SEX CHANGE INTO EVE TORRES HONORED / MAN HACKS KURT ANGLE’S TWITTER TO POST REASONABLE, PLEASANT MESSAGES
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:08DOCTOR THAT PERFORMED ROB CONWAY’S SEX CHANGE INTO EVE TORRES HONORED By Justin Henry Malmo, Sweden – Dr. Georg Krausingaard, a pioneer in the field of gender reassignment, was honored this week at a luncheon near the Faculty of Medicine. Krausingaard, 77, has devoted his life to gender reassignment, known to the layman as “sex change operations”. Since the first Continue Reading...
Headlies: IRS CASHES IN MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE FROM 1991, BEATS JOHN CENA FOR WWE TITLE / RUFUS DETWILER, MAN WHO PLAYED ‘ORIGINAL’ SCOTT STEINER, DEAD AT 46
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:06IRS CASHES IN MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE FROM 1991, BEATS JOHN CENA FOR WWE TITLE By Justin Henry Sydney, Australia – CM Punk, move over. Your soul-baring speech from Monday Night Raw has been dethroned as the most newsworthy wrestling story of the week. WWE Champion John Cena was scheduled to defend his gold against R-Truth, and R-Truth alone Continue Reading...
Headlies: JOHN CENA DECLARES POOP “NO LONGER FUNNY” AFTER COUSIN’S TYPHOID DEATH / MAN THROWS ANGELINA LOVE ACROSS YARD, PROMPTLY RETURNED BY DOG
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:04Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here JOHN CENA DECLARES POOP “NO LONGER FUNNY” AFTER COUSIN’S TYPHOID DEATH By Justin Henry For several years, WWE’s main event avatar, John Cena, has derived much mileage out of childish bathroom humor. To the consternation of veteran Continue Reading...
Headlies: DOLPH ZIGGLER TO TAKE NICKY’S PLACE DURING FORTHCOMING SPIRIT SQUAD REUNION / NEXT SEASON OF TOUGH ENOUGH TO SEARCH FOR NEXT BARELY USED ANNOUNCER
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:03Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here DOLPH ZIGGLER TO TAKE NICKY’S PLACE DURING FORTHCOMING SPIRIT SQUAD REUNION By Justin Henry Las Vegas, NV – World Wrestling Entertainment is known for its use of ‘classic characters’ on their television programming, usually to help lighten Continue Reading...
Headlies: JEFF HARDY RETIRES FROM WRESTLING TO BECOME SANDWICH ARTIST / LANCE STORM CRITICIZES OWN REALITY SHOW ON HIS WEBSITE’S BLOG ROLL
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 12:01Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here JEFF HARDY RETIRES FROM WRESTLING TO BECOME SANDWICH ARTIST By RD Reynolds and Justin Henry Vaas, NC – Visitors to Subway #19401 located inside the Hudson’s Food Mart were in for a shock this week as former WWE/TNA Continue Reading...
Headlies: JEFF JARRETT SAVED CHYNA FROM SPCA ONE HOUR BEFORE EUTHANIZATION / GENERATION ME FINISH CHORES, ARE ALLOWED TO STAY UP TO WATCH IMPACT MAIN EVENT / INDY PROMOTION TO RUN “SUPER BLOODY DEATH TOURNAMENT”, SEEKING REC CENTER TO HOST IT
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:58Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here JEFF JARRETT SAVED CHYNA FROM SPCA ONE HOUR BEFORE EUTHANIZATION By Justin Henry Nashua, NH – Fans were flabbergasted to discover that Joanie Lauer, professionally known as “Chyna”, had debuted at the TNA Impact tapings recently, playing Continue Reading...
Headlies: CM PUNK TO LEAVE WWE, MAKE LIVING BUMMING MEALS FROM AWESTRUCK SMARKS / FORMER WWE INTERN ADMITS: “THOSE ‘DID YOU KNOWS’ ARE TOTAL BS”
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:53Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here CM PUNK TO LEAVE WWE, MAKE LIVING BUMMING MEALS FROM AWESTRUCK SMARKS By Justin Henry Chicago, IL – It would appear that CM Punk has made the decision to end his near five-year tenure with World Wrestling Continue Reading...
Headlies: WWE ALL-STARS LIKENESS OF HULK HOGAN TESTS POSITIVE FOR HGH / RONNIE GARVIN FELLS WOULD-BE ROBBER WITH HANDS OF STONE, GARVIN STOMP
1 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:51Text by Justin Henry, RD Reynolds, and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here WWE ALL-STARS LIKENESS OF HULK HOGAN TESTS POSITIVE FOR HGH By Justin Henry San Diego, CA – THQ Headquarters has been rocked by scandal this week, as the digital likeness of Hulk Hogan, a prominent playable character Continue Reading...
Headlies: JOHN CENA TO MENTOR SIN CARA, TEACH HIM HOW TO WRESTLE / RUMOR: VINCE MCMAHON HAVING AFFAIR WITH STAMFORD SUPERCUTS EMPLOYEE / DESTITUTE LEX LUGER SCRAPS STEEL FOREARM PLATE FOR CASH
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:48Text by Justin Henry and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here JOHN CENA TO MENTOR SIN CARA, TEACH HIM HOW TO WRESTLE By Justin Henry London, England – After international lucha sensation Sin Cara (the man once known as Mistico) made a couple errors in judgment during his first televised Continue Reading...
Headlies: EDGE HAS “NO PLANS” TO RETIRE FROM ADULTERY / REMINDER: APRIL 18 IS KANE’S “FACE TURN/HEEL TURN” CALENDAR DARTS NIGHT / TRIPLE H RETURNING NEW BLU-RAY PLAYER TO PAY FOR WRESTLEMANIA CHAIR SHOT FINE
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:46Text by Justin Henry and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here EDGE HAS “NO PLANS” TO RETIRE FROM ADULTERY By Justin Henry Bridgeport, CT – With accumulated spinal injuries as the main culprit, 37 year old Adam Copeland, best known as “The Rated-R Superstar” Edge, relinquished the World Heavyweight Championship Continue Reading...
Headlies: VIRGIL HAPPY TO HAVE WRESTLEMANIA STREAK IN TACT / RARE 1989 “DISS TAPE” FOUND IN WWE PRODUCTION STUDIOS / BOBBY WASHWEY WOOKING TO WEALWIZE POTENTHIAL OUTHIDE WING
0 Submitted by Justin Henry on Thu, 27 December 2012, 11:44Text by Justin Henry and Sean Carless; Photoshoppery by Sean Carless and RD Reynolds Follow Justin on Facebook here and on Twitter here; Check out Sean on Facebook here and his website here VIRGIL HAPPY TO HAVE WRESTLEMANIA STREAK IN TACT By Justin Henry Pittsburgh, PA – March 24, 2011 marked the twenty year anniversary of the beginning of a WrestleMania streak that has yet to be compromised, and is still talked Continue Reading...