Theatrical Motion Picture, 1989
a travesty. It's a travesty of the highest
magnitude, and, I believe it is fair to
say, without hyperbole, a crime against
we are, 15 years removed from the release
of the first movie featuring Hulk Hogan
in a starring role, and where, I ask,
is the anniversary DVD release?
mean, come on...Mr.
Nanny is on DVD. So is Suburban
Commando. Yet the one that started
it all, the one that led the Hulkster
to Tinseltown and such mega blockbusters
as Santa with Muscles, 3
Ninjas on Mega Mountain, and countless
other classics is nowhere to be found.
a travesty. A travesty, says I.
wait, sorry - I was channelling the spirt
of Gorilla Monsoon there.
you see, during the months prior to No
Hold's Barred's release, the WWF
in general and Gorilla in particular made
sure that no one - no one
- watching WWF TV would
forget that the Hulkster was on his way
to theaters nationwide. In fact, Gorilla,
with a straight face, no less, proclaimed
that people were talking Oscar for Mr.
which I reply:
set the record straight. This movie absolutely
sucks. It was created by Vince McMahon
and the Hulkster for one reason and one
reason only: to get Hogan a foothold as
a leading man in Hollywood. And to that
end, both men were not only producers,
but also had a huge hand in writing the
script, to the point that their fingerprints
are fairly obvious throughout the film.
something that wasn't too much of
a stretch, Hogan portrays WWF Champion
Rip (and if you don't blink and
you might catch Bill Eadie, aka
Demolition Ax, in Rip's title defense
during the opening credits.) Rip
is a kind, good-hearted, and beloved-by-all
do-gooder who would never do anyone
wrong, just like the Hulkster himself.
only major difference between Rip
and Hulk Hogan is that Rip has a
nerdy brother named Randy (hey!)
that tags along with him, and that
he wears white trunks instead of
yellow. His catchphrase is "Rip
'em!" but the way Hogan mumbles
it, it sounds like "Rip One!"
like that, especially since if I
ever had to describe this film as
a bodily function, I'd probably
say it most closely resembled a
big, smelly fart.
to the film, Rip is the number one
ratings draw not only in wrestling,
but in the entire world of television.
(Gee, I wonder who wrote THAT line.)
not everyone is happy about Rip's
popularity. In particular, the evil
Mr. Brell, of the rival World Television
Network, is livid that Rip is causing
his network to come in dead last.
I'd ask some elementary questions,
like how Rip is causing him to fall
behind every other network in addition
to the one Rip is on, but realistically,
that's the least of the plot's issues.
by his lack of success, Brell turns
to his network execs for some new
ideas. One kindly woman advises
a high concept sitcom. Once can
only imagine what that might be.
I'm thinking something with Lyle
Alzado playing a teacher by day,
and a pro wrestler by night, perhaps.
is so infuriated by the idea that
he tells her, and I am quoting here,
to "take a leak." She
leaves, probably due to the fact
that she is so offended by the film's
maybe she really did have to hit
the crapper. Who knows?
decides the only way to turn things
around is to bring Rip to WTN. When
his offer of a blank check fails,
he goes into a mad rage of insane,
Shanter-esque level of hyper thesbian
overacting, which involves
screaming in a most spitty fashion.
In fact, his phlegm count may be
higher than any other villain in
the history of cinema.
very phlegmy indeed.
also repeatedly calls Rip, and again
I am quoting here, a "JOCK
which is my new all-time favorite
insult. In fact, I dare say if someone
- say Tyson Tomko, if that guy's
still even employed - began using
that as his catchphrase, we'd be
ushering in a new golden era for
peaceful yet saliva-ridden attempts
having failed him, Brell advises
Rip's limo driver to take him to
a parking garage, where his band
of thugs is waiting give him an
ol' fashioned city whoopin'. Rip
catches onto this evil plan, and
begins to kick the interior of the
car. In fact, he kicks so hard that
not only are footprints visible
on the outer car doors...
car also swerves uncontrollably
all over the road!
his best efforts to run the car
off the road (using his FEET,
mind you), Rip is eventually brought
to the parking garage of doom.
As the hooligans surround the
car, a rumbling is heard from
inside, and then -
punches his way through the roof,
somehow launching himself approximately
23 feet into the air!
pummeling his foes into submission
(no doubt using his granite-like
feet), Rip corners the limo driver
(who bares an uncanny resemblence
to Richard Belzer, come to think
about it) and snarls at him like
a constipated weiner dog.
whatever reason, this causes the
poor sap to poop
his pants in fear.
course I'm not kidding.
movie even includes this close-up
view of the dude's leaky anus, no
doubt delighting all the nine-year
old boys in the audience.
know what you're thinking at this
point: "Sure, guys defecating
in their trousers is funny and all,
but what would really be great would
be if say, Stan Hansen
just showed up out of nowhere and
started making fun of guy's ding-a-lings."
Brell decides that if Rip won't
join him, he'll fight him. This
leads him to finding, yes, you
guessed it: ZEUS, THE
HUMAN WRECKING MACHINE (aka,
D-movie actor Tiny Lister with
a "Z" shaved into the
side of his head).
the cross-eyed behemoth on his
side, Brell launches a new show
entitled "Battle of the Tough
Guys", featuring ring legends
such as Jeep Swenson and Pete
Doherty. Zeus tears through the
competition (yes, he even beat
the Duke of Dorchester!), and
throws out an open challenge to
the one and only Rip.
that's not all Brell has planned
for the Ripmeister. He also wants
to get inside his head, and hires
a skank ho named Samantha to seduce
our hero. But what Brell didn't
count on was this:
that's exactly what you think
and fear it is - Hulk Hogan's
barely covered, glisteningly greased
ass thrusting up and down in rhythmic
the vision to the right would
likely cause 99.999999999999%
of the American public to regurgitate,
it causes Sam to swoon, and she
begins to fall in love with the
for Brell, Rip continues to ignore
Zeus' challenges. Finally, Z-Gangsta
attacks Randy at a charity sack
know, I think Jerry Lewis has
it all wrong. If he's serious
about beating muscular dystrophy,
screw the telethon - BRING
ON THE SACK RACE.
Anyway, Zeus brings the party
down by snapping Randy's neck
like a twig.
races to his brother's hospital
bed, breaking down in tears.
acting is so bad here I almost
think I'd almost rather see this:
his brother is enough to finally
get Rip to accept Zeus' challenge,
leading to a scientific masterpiece
the world has not seen the likes
of since the Gotch-Hackenschmidt
classic of 1908. In fact, it was
so fantastic that Vince decided
to bring Zeus in for a run against
Hogan following the movie's release,
even considering the bout for
the main event of Wrestlemania
no, I'm NOT making that up.
Rip prevails by knocking Zeus off
a girder, falling twenty feet below
through the ring, and presumably,
follows suit, as Rip propels him
backwards into a generator, electrocuting
him in a scene right out of the
Chamber of Horrors. In fact, he
even kind of looks a bit like Abdullah,
thus everyone lives happily ever after.
Well, except for Brell and Zeus, since
should be noted, of course, that WWE has
recently started a film division, and
the first movie out of the chute is scheduled
to be a vehicle for none other than Vince's
brand new son-in-law, Triple H. One can
only hope that we won't be subjected to
such egomaniacal and laughable scripts.
can hope...but I fear we all know what
we have to look forward to:
- Brell (spitty as he wants to be): "Then
we get him to break his bond! What's his
pppprice? What's his ppppprice?"
exec: "With all due respect, Mr.
Brell, others have asked that question."
- Brell (enraged!): "Are you trying
to tell me my money's not good enough
for you? I FIND THAT A LITTLE HARD TO
SWALLOW. YOU, YOU JOCK ASS!!!"
- Limo Driver (crying like a little baby)
Rip (growling like the sissiest dog in
the land): "What's that SMELL?"
Limo Driver: "Dooo...dooo...doookie!"
Rip: "Dookie? You mean ya shit yer
(Note from RD: Ok, I made that last line
- Stan Hansen: "What do we got here?
A TEENY WEINER! And here's another."