You know, referees generally don't get enough credit or appreciation.
Sure, they get easily distracted by the heel manager/valet....well
they used to twenty years ago, and take bumps that renders
them unconscious for 20 minutes so the wrestlers can brawl
all over the building and have many run-ins. Yes, being a
referee is generally a thankless job.
One such referee that's been familiar to wrestling fans over
the years is Tim White. Tim's been a fixture of the WWF ever
since the late 80s. And if you've ever seen Andre the Giant's
A&E Biography, he's one of the interviewees that talks
about his friendship with the late great Andre.
Tim's reffing career was put to an end in 2002 when Tim sustained
a bad injury during a Chris Jericho/Triple H "Hell in
a Cell" match.
Years later in the WWE, the powers that be decided to pay
special tribute to Tim for putting his body on the line in
their company by having him commit suicide in different ways
every week.
Whah?
| |
WWE
backstage interviewer Josh Matthews interviews Tim
at Tim's tavern "The Friendly Tap", located
just outside of Providence, Rhode Island, during
the Armageddon 2005 PPV. Josh keeps trying to ask
Tim how he's been since his injury.
Tim's
only answer is to keep taking swigs of beer.
Can't
really blame the guy, honestly - if Josh Matthews
showed up and started asking me questions, I'd start
drinking too.
|
| Instead
of taking a hint, Josh keeps pestering Tim to open
up about how the injury has affected his life. Did
I mention this segment takes place on a PPV? I did?
Well let me reiterate. THIS SEGMENT IS TAKING PLACE
ON A PPV!
YOU
ARE PAYING FOR THE PRIVELEGE OF SEEING THIS.
|
|
| |
Tim
finally relents by talking about how his injury
made him take out his frustration on his loved ones.
While he does so, you can hear very audible boos
and "BORING!" chants, as well as when
he tells Josh he now suffers from "Irritable
Bowel Syndrome".
Not
sure you've ever noticed, but WWE <3 feces.
There's
a pause for a laugh that never comes.
|
Josh
then wishes Tim a "White Christmas."
Another
pause.
Another
laugh no shows.
|
|
| |
Tim's
answer to Josh's bad pun is to take out a shotgun,
which gets the biggest pop of this whole segment,
presumably because the fans are hoping he will shot
Josh Matthews.
Well,
don't get your hopes up, kids.
|
No,
because unfortunately, Tim apparently uses the shotgun
to shoot himself off-camera.
Sure
am glad I PAID for this SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! LIVE
ON PPV!
I
would think that the WWE is mocking wrestlers who
have suffered depression and loss because of career-ending
injuries BUT I don't think the WWE is that satirically
sophisticated.
I
mean, there was a poopy joke thrown into the mix.
|
|
| |
Instead
of getting Tim, ya know, HELP for his problem, the
WWE decides to film Tim every week experimenting in
new, creative ways to kill yourself that would make
Bud Cort in Harold & Maude envious.
For
instance, the next week Josh returns to inform us
that Tim did NOT kill himself but simply shot himself
in the foot. So Tim decides to pour Rat Poison down
his gullet like it's a box of Cheerios and falls back
in his chair.
Ummm....Live
from New York it's Saturday Night? |
Tim
miraculously recovers from ingesting rat poison
to try to hang himself the next week.
I should note that this series of skits happened
just a couple months after the passing of Eddy Guerrero.
Oh
well, it's not like they blew up Tim White's car
or called his wife a pig and made her oink for money
or anything.
|
|
| 
|
I'm
skipping over a few segments 'cause really, they're
basically "Josh annoys Tim with questions, stupidly
watches Tim set himself up for suicide and makes sure
the camera is focused perfectly to capture the moment
of death". But a few notable ones are Tim going
emo by slitting his wrists by squirting a ketchup
bottle all over himself.
Tim,
when you cut your wrists, go "down the road"
not "across the street"!
What
an amateur. |
| Another
one is suffocating himself with a plastic bag.
Should've
gotten Terry Funk to do it while cutting a promo on
Jack Petrick and TBS. |
|
| |
And
every segment has a "Tim White tries to kill
himself" montage livened up with the Alfred
Hitchcock theme. Because when I think of failed
suicides for my enjoyment, I think the director
of Rear Window.
|
(Note
from RD: I do too!)
|
|
| |
Josh
nominates himself for "Stupidest Person Alive"
by complimenting Tim on his "new necklace."
A
new necklace with a BRICK tied to it.
|
| Glad
they have a camera in that fish tank! |
|
|
For
Week 87 in the "Tim White tries to kill himself"
extravaganza, Josh takes Tim to a street in New Jersey
that was named after him, and we're convinced of this
by the dollar store plaque. |
Please,
just give Josh a little push right in front of oncoming
traffic. Do it, Tim!
Why
kill yourself when you could kill Josh Matthews? |
|
|
But
Tim decides to put himself in the middle of oncoming
traffic as we're shown a still photo of a REAL traffic
accident. |
Too
bad they were using the "other guy's" brake
pads instead of Callahan Brake Pads. |
|
|
Next
we're in a laboratory....no really, we're in a laboratory
because the white coats and WARNING stickers in
the background have certainly convinced me that
we're in a real laboratory.
There's
probably a "Porn Star On Board" one back
there too.
|
Anyways
despite this very obvious laboratory making new advancements
in the field of mental health by having beakers and
tubes with citric-y colored fluids, Tim decides to
drink clearly labeled Mad Cow Disease. |
|
|
Tim
once again miraculously survives to call up Josh on
the Suicide Hotline (despite the phone not ringing,
I'm not making that up). Josh Matthews suggests that
he and Tim do some "roleplaying". Woo boy,
I don't like where this is headed. |
Tim
then strangles himself with the phone cord as Josh
calls 911 and is put on hold, AAAHAHAHAHA!!! Cause
they're probably dealing with some WASP that's complaining
her burger wasn't cooked the way she wanted.
|
|
|
Ah,
Tim. Should've called Glen Peterson. |
Another
one is Tim sticking his head through "his biggest
fan."
Get
it?
FAN?!
Somebody
cue Krankor.
|
|
|
Oh,
and then he doused Josh with some marinara sauce.
(Note
from RD: Seriously, how many years did these bits
go on? I don't think Bruno Sammartino's first title
reign last this long.)
|
Another
one has Tim hiring a Hitman (not Bret Hart) to shoot
him in the head while Josh plugs the WWE Hall of Fame
ceremony that can be seen on WWE.com...or
can it?! |
|
|
After
8 years (note from RD: I was
right!) of Tim's attempted suicides, Tim
gives Josh a card inviting him to "The Friendly
Tap" for a celebration. See, Tim couldn't verbally
communicate this to Josh because Tim never says
a word in any of these segments.
And
suddenly, Josh decides that he and Tim are the best
of friends now.
|
But
Tim has another plan in mind! |
|
|
Josh
and Tim party up at The Friendly Tap by doing shots... |
...playin'
pool... |
|
|
...posing
for the Wrestlemania III poster (alright, that one
I liked)... |
...playing
Frogger on an arcade cabinet (*sigh* I miss those
things)...(Note from RD: then
buy one! They're not THAT expensive. Oh, and that's
definitely NOT a dedicated Frogger cabinet. And yes,
I am that much of a nerd to notice)... |
|
|
...drinking
some more... |
...giving
themselves funny midget voices by sucking on helium... |
|
|
...and
finally (FINALLY!) Josh doing his Madonna impression
with the party hats. |
The
two newfound pals are all partied out as another suicide
montage is edited over puffs of marijuana smoke as
"Tell Me a Lie" plays, because WWE loves
that song a lot. |
|
|
The
party ends when Tim gets out his shotgun and finally
shoots Josh Matthews (off-camera, of course). So
this whole celebration was an elaborate ruse to
lure Josh Matthew into a false sense of security
so Tim could shoot him?
|
Eh,
all's well that ends well, I reckon.
Note
from RD: As many of you know, when I first launched WrestleCrap.com
over 10 years ago, I was joined by a dear friend of mine by
th name of Merle Vincent Griggs. There's a tribute to Merle
on the site, in fact, and I urge you to read it. The reason
I mention Merle here is due to the fact that he committed
suicide, which is the subject of today's induction. Some may
consider it in poor taste that we are therefore inducting
it, since suicide is obviously a very serious issue and some
would feel it should note be joked about. I understand this
viewpoint, but I also know Merle would have seen this and
realized the stupidity of this angle and laughed about it.
And at the end of the day, that's what both Merle and I wanted
since the beginning - to create something where people could
laugh at the buffonery in pro wrestling, no matter what the
subject matter was.
Merle,
I know you're looking down on us, and I hope we made you laugh
too.
If
not, we blame Tim White and Josh Matthews.
I'm
sure you will too.
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