| If
there's one thing that pro wrestling has taught me over the
years, it's that there's nothing funnier than men in drag. Remember
Sammi, Harvina, and Kloudi? Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco
in that Evening Gown Match? Ron Garvin as Miss Atlanta Lively?
I mean,
them's some good times.
No wait,
those were all terrible, and not funny at all. Booooo!
(Note from
RD: to be fair, Miss Atlanta Lively did lead to one of my favorite
jokes in the WrestleCrap Book of Lists, as Blade came
up with..."Despite having a sexy new wardrobe, and a damn
fine purse, there was one thing Ron possessed that would ultimately
never fool anyone into thinking he was a woman - "the Garvin
stump.")
Ok, I'll
give you that one, Deal.
But aside
from that one joke, and perhaps an episode or two of Bosom
Buddies, has there ever been a really funny bit with guys
in drag? I know the mainstream public thinks "Men+Wig+Dress=Hahalarity",
but I just don't get it.
And Santino
Marella? He's funny. He's ain't John Belushi in 1978 or anything,
but he's funny.
Funny enough
to overcome the burden of being saddled with a drag gimmick?
Not a prayer.
Nor is there
a prayer I'll be able to convey with
all my heart and soul how much I DON'T CARE about this angle.
| Anyways,
at Wrestlemania 25, the WWE Universe (note
from RD: if you ever, and I mean EVER, use that phrase
again, consider yourself banished from WrestleCrap.com)
is treated to a 25 Diva Battle Royal with a 40 minute
Kid Rock intro that was so terrible it was left off the
DVD.
Or
the music couldn't be cleared.
I
prefer to think the former and not the latter.
Either
way, "Diva Battle Royal" is WWE-speak for "bathroom
break". Seriously, think The Master's Wives bitch-slapping
cat-fight from Manos: The Hands of Fate and it's
on PPV.
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| |
The
"highlight" comes when the last three in are
Beth Phoenix, Melina and, as you likely surmised by
the metadata up above, Santino Marella in drag. As Beth
is about to eliminate Melina, Santino takes advantage
and throws the both of them over the top, making him
the winner of the Divas Battle Royal.
|
While
Mae Young hits that timekeeper's bell like she's calling
the cattle rustlers in for grub.
She
does this quite well, which is understandable as I believe
it was her last job prior to becoming a pro wrestler
in 1856.
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| |
Santino
grabs the mic and says he's "Santina Marella, Santino's
twin sister from Italy", and cries while he's given
the Miss Wrestlemania tiara and sash.
Then
does a victory dance.
And...it's
lame.
Consider
that for a minute: Santino Marella dancing, and it's
lame.
Wow.
|
Had
it all ended there, it would have been...well, I was
going to write "ok", but that would have been
a lie.
So
let me try again.
Had
it ended there, it would have been not as horrible as
it wound up being, as it dragged (no pun intended) on
for decades on end. The storyline, of course, was the
age old bit where everyone tries to prove that Santina
is actually Santino.
The
twist this time? Santina is actually a lesbian!
Because
the only thing funnier than a guy in drag is a guy in
drag who's gay!
My
brain told my fingers to type "ha ha ha!"
there, but they refused.
Good
for them.
Anyway,
Santina proves her lesbianism by attempting to mack
with some generic Diva that looked like she came directly
from the WWE cloning laboratory.
You'll
have to forgive me for being a broken record every week
when I start harping on the WWE for being less about
wrestling and more about doing SNL sketches.
Oh,
and no need to forgive me for skipping over some of
these sketches.
Because
if you're upset about that, I don't care.
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| |
So
yeah, the angle goes on for the next 5 years until Santina
is defeated by Vickie Guerrero (another character who
can be funny, but sure wasn't here) for the "Miss
Wrestlemania" title and then wins it back in a
2 minute Handicap Hogpen match (see, because Chavo Guerrero
had to be humiliated that week too) that had a 10 minute
intro during the Extreme Rules PPV.
PPV
, by the way, is short of Pay-Per-View.
Consider
that for a moment - people PAID MONEY - MONEY!!
- TO SEE THIS.
And
do you know what Vince used that money for?
|
|
To
pay these two to laugh in the most unrealistic manner
possible. |
|
Sorry,
RD...you aren't paying me enough to laugh at this crap.
Finish
it on your own!
Umm,
ok.
Remember
when Donald Trump 'bought' Raw for like two weeks? Well, he
fired Santina.
The
end.
Good
job, quitter.
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