| At
the beginning of the week, I opened up an email from my old
buddy, old pal, the "Charlie" to my "Angels",
Mr. RD Reynolds.
"Hey Kelly, how's 'bout writing about Pretty Ricky this
week?"
Pretty Ricky...
Pretty Ricky...
I
literally sat staring at my screen for five minutes.
I
puzzled and puzzed til my puzzler was sore.
But
unlike the Grinch, I didn't think of something I hadn't thought
of before.
No,
I was still in the same place. And that was asking this question:
"Who
in the hell is Pretty Ricky?"
Or
if you prefer, "What in the hell is a Pretty Ricky?"
An
episode of I Love Lucy I somehow missed wherein Lucy
and Ethel Mertz dress up Little Ricky for a kids beauty contest
(like a 50 years ahead of its time Toddlers in Tiaras)?
Perhaps
something to do with that midget in the Verne Gagne vanity
pic, The Wrestler?
A
badly misinterpreted pack of fireworks, like when you get
a box of Roman candles and it says "Dancing Goldfish"
on the package?
Some
bizarre sexual position Blade and Don (Don Mason) came up
with one night while watching Monster in the Closet
or some other horrible Z-movie
Then
RD (and my friend Shawn) explained it to me.
And
I watched it.
And
it was worse than any of those things I had in my mind that
it COULD be.
So
what, exactly, was Pretty Ricky, you ask?
Well,
the short answer is that "Pretty Ricky" was an SNL-like
character played by Ron "R-Truth" Killings (or Killins,
if you're Lex
Luger).
Oh,
while I'm not the kinda person that cries "RACISM!"
at every little thing, well...all I'll say is that this thing
would have made Saba Simba say, "Whoa whoa whoa...you're
taking this a little too far."
| Perhaps
the introduction of Pretty Ricky should have told
us just how much thought was put into it, as Todd
Grisham looks bored out of his skull and Jim Ross
keeps looking to the side, presumably at the numbers
on his paycheck to gain the willpower to continue.
We don't get something like "R-Truth got hit
over the head and has amnesia" but, and I quote,
"R-Truth is acting strange. Let's go to the video!"
Hell
yes, if R-Truth is acting strange, LET'S GO TO THE
VIDEO!
ME
WANTEE SEE! |
|
| |
R-Truth
is outside the arena...and true to the warning,
he is acting strange!
Strange
being that he is wearing plastic novelty teeth he
looks to have gotten from a gumball machine at the
local 7-11 and also calling himself Pretty Ricky.
But
apparently Pretty Ricky is just his given name...for
you see his "government name is 'Delicious.'"
I
don't have a government name, but if I did, I'd
want it to be "Delicious."
And
I'd want to be a secret agent.
Or
at least in the Protection Agency.
But
I wouldn't want to wear the teeth.
|
Truth...err, excuse me, Ricky...or should that be
Delicious?...whatever...he tells us that he's trying
to get into Smackdown because he lost his VIP backstage
pass or something. And that he has a GQ Magazine
shoot.
I
seemingly write this every week, but I don't know,
and I don't care. Maybe that should be my catchphrase.
"FO
SHIZZLE!" he adds.
Because
don't ya know, that's what all black people say.
At
least that's what WWE's WASPy Ivy League graduate
writers would have you think. "Throw in some
fo'shizzles there, the kids love that rapper stuff."
It's
like someone saw Mickey Rooney's Mr. Yunioshi in
Breakfast at Tiffany's and said, "We
can top that!"
I
can almost hear Brian Gerwitz yelling "WORD~!"
at random intervals.
|
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| |
The
question remains...will Ricky get inside? Will he
get to his GQ shoot?
Not
if the lesbian security guard has anything to say
about it!
Ricky's
plan on convincing her to let him in revolves around
dancing.
(Note
from RD: I don't know why, but this sounds like
a solution you'd attempt in something like The Secret
of Monkey Island.)
The
dyke cops the now patented Triple Kelly "Don't
Know, Don't Care" and doesn't let him in.
|
Foiled
by the rug muncher, Ricky attempts to sneak by another
guard, this one looks exactly like Beau Bridges.
Beau
Bridges who carries a WALKIE TALKIE.
He
also refuses him access.
|
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| |
What's
a Pretty Ricky to do when he can't get into the
arena he's presumably working at?
BUY
SOME ICE CREAM!
Yes,
he buys some ice cream from a vendor outside the
arena.
You
know, I've been to my share of live WWE events.
Never once did I see an ice cream vendor outside.
I hope he's at least selling those WWE ice cream
bars.
|
| The
12 hour Ricky marathon continues with him sliding
up the banister like we all used to do during elementary
school recess.
Had
he yelled "Weeeeeeeee!" I may have cut him
some slack.
Maybe. |
|
| |
Look,
it's a shot of fans filing into the arena.
I
wouldn't even mention it, but one of them is wearing
a cool Zombie Marilyn Monroe shirt, and I want one.
|
| Hey
look, there's Ricky, sliding past the ticket-taker
and talking up a storm to a rent-a-cop, the highlight
of which is him telling the guy his "government
name is "Delicious."
Because that hasn't been said enough in this 2 minute
segment. |
|
| |
He then harasses the WWE merch vendor who's a 40
year old man wearing a CM Punk shirt.
HAHAHAHA,
I'm sorry but a 40 year old guy wearing a CM Punk
shirt is like a 40 year old guy wearing a "Team
Edward" shirt.
|
R-Truth
is then thrown out of the building by Steve Wilkos
(this may be the most name-dropping I've ever done
in an induction) and keeps yelling out the door
that he's Pretty Ricky.
You
know, in case you haven't heard by now.
|
|
| |
Hey,
is that Tim White? Isn't he dead?
(Note
from RD: I didn't even know he was sick!
Eh,
much funnier said than typed.)
|
He
says he's determined to get into the arena. Dude!
Can't you call up Vince McMahon or Kevin Dunn or
the local promoter to vouch for you?
I
know I shouldn't even bother at this point in the
induction, but I have to ask:
WHAT
IS THE POINT OF THIS?
Is
he trying to be Sascha Baron-Cohen as Borat?
Or
Bruno?
Or
Sea-Farin' Lost in Cleveland Cactus Jack?
You might as well have MacGruber show up.
|
|
Following
this fantastic debut, Pretty
Ricky only showed up another week or two, including a bit
at the beach. I'd review it, but honestly, I can only type
"Delicious", "Pretty Ricky", "Fo
Shizzle", "GQ Photo Shoot" so many times before
my fingers just start rejecting what my brain is telling them
to do.
BTW, Noah Antwiler of "The Spoony Experiment" has
a brand new vlog series called "Wrestle! Wrestle!"
He's a well-informed, witty wrestling fan and you can check
him out at http://www.spoonyexperiment.com
|
