Christmas Induction: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – Love This Show? You Won’t After You Read This!

43 Submitted by on Thu, 20 December 2018, 20:33

Television Special, 1964

Christmas time again!  That means but one thing at WrestleCrap.com…we forgo an induction of horrible wrestling to focus on a horrible Christmas movie instead!  It’s a tradition, one that we have now categorized as “Ye Olde Christmas Movies” on the site…access them all by clicking here!  Without any further adieu, let’s dig into another pile of Christmas crap!


I know what you are thinking: your old buddy and old pal RD Reynolds has gone insane.

After all, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a bonafide classic for a lot of folks reading this.  The show, which first hit airwaves all the way back in 1964, is something even those with only a vague interest in Christmas have likely seen.  The songs in the show are largely good, led of course by the titular track.  I’m sure the lyrics are carved into your noggin to a level that perhaps only the alphabet or the sum and total of Ed Leslie’s gimmicks are.  It’s that well-known.

I get that.

But the truth of the matter is this isn’t a fun children’s story, and certainly not something your family should rejoice in watching year after year.  Indeed, you should run as far away from it as possible, alerting the neighbors to do the same, and rallying everyone you’ve ever come into contact with to find and destroy any VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray or streaming device on which it resides. If network television station still airs it, go burn their corporate headquarters to the ground too.  We must stop this plague that has corrupted so many lives in an irreparable manner.

For you see, Rudolph isn’t a holly jolly yuletide festival.

No. It is a tale of abuse.  

Verbal abuse, mental abuse, and in some cases, physical abuse.  The fact that the other reindeer “used to laugh and call him names” is just the start of the putrid vile on display here.  There are no shortage of despicable characters, and in fact, the vast majority of the cast are completely wretched personalities with zero redeeming qualities.  If you thought that Santa was cute in this, believe me, you haven’t been paying attention all these years.

Let’s get started.

Snowman?  Try Obstructor of Justice.

We will start with this guy…a talking snowman who tells us to call him “Sam.”  No last name you will note, just “Sam.”  Sounds kinda sketchy, doesn’t?  Also something that has me scratching my head – why is he shivering?  Wouldn’t he be happy being cold? I think he’s less a snowman than a conman.

Anyway, this clown serves as our narrator, so as we go through this, I want you to keep in mind he knows every single solitary thing that is happening.  He delights in telling us all the morbid details.  But as he relays the atrocities on display, does he ever go to the authorities about any of this?

No.

No, he does not.

I guess we will leave that up to you to determine if that is acceptable.

Actually, we won’t. We will instead tell you his behavior is completely unacceptable.

But he’s nowhere near the lowest of the slimeballs on display.  For instance, Sam isn’t even in the same universe as…

Santa Claus?  Try Satan Claus.

Holy crap, Santa.  He has to be the worst Santa ever, and yes, I am including that sad sack Kris Kringle that nearly destroyed Pac-Land.  This guy does nothing but complain about every single thing while simultaneously doing his best to emotionally throttle anyone who is in his path.  We first meet him as his wife has brought him dinner, and he tells her he has zero time for that.  

Or her for that matter.  

Eat up – and make sure the will’s made out!

Let me be clear though – Mrs. Claus is no prize herself.  Think about it – she is literally trying to fatten Santa up to the size of a Macy’s Day balloon.  I have no doubt this is to ensure he will wind up with hypertension and thus an early grave. Just look at her face – that’s not concern, that’s a smile.  She’s a black widow all the way.

Rudolph is born…and it’s all downhill from here.

After the intro tune, we meet Rudolph himself, along with his parents, Donner and Mrs. Donner.  Seriously, she doesn’t even get a name .  Upon meeting his parents for the first time, his nose glows.  While Mom is ok with it (“we’ll have to overlook it” she opines), Daddy Donner is totally appalled and bellows, “his beak blinks like a blinking beacon!”  

You ain’t perfect either, pops!

But that’s just the beginning, as now Santa walks in and now it’s a two on one beat down.  The following dialogue is said and I am just quoting it verbatim:

Donner: “I’m sure it will stop as soon as he grows up, Santa!”

Santa: “Well let’s hope so if he wants to make the sleigh team some day!!!”

To recap: the poor kid is barely out of the womb and these two are already talking about how his birth defect is completely unacceptable.  Can you imagine this happening in real life?  Well, it’s happening here and our society calls it family fun.

Here’s mud in your eye.  Or I guess on your nose.

Donner comes up with a brilliant idea to hide his son’s malady – he literally digs mud off the ground and smears it all over Rudolph’s nose.  While this covers up his shiny schnoz, it also changes his voice.  So apparently according to Donner, a speech impediment is acceptable but a cute little red nose isn’t.

We go back to Sam, and he explains that for the first year the parents did a good job of hiding Rudolph’s “non-conformity”.  Seriously, he called it that!  Apparently Sam also did a good job of hiding something, namely Rudolph’s abusive parents.

And sadly, we soon discover it’s not just Rudolph that is being so poorly treated.

“Keep making these terrible toys no one could possibly want!”

Now we meet Hermie, an elf who doesn’t want to make toys.  When he politely explains to his supervisor his dissatisfaction with his current line of work, his supervisor screams at him…

Elf shaming, there’s nothing worse

…and convinces his co-workers to shame him as well.  This is followed by the entire group mocking and laughing at his dream of being a dentist.  While all the other elves are allowed to go on break, the supervisor explains that Hermie has to keep working.  They all depart, leaving Herbie alone, which causes honest to goodness tears to fall from his eyes.

Equal opportunity offender

“Well, such is the life of an elf” chuckles Sam, who then shrugs his shoulders.  What an uncaring a-hole.

Meanwhile over at the cave, Rudolph notes that he doesn’t want to try on the prosthetic black nose Donner has made for him, which leads to Rudolph woefully pleading, “I don’t want to wear it!”

“Do you have any idea how much I paid for that nose?!”

Donner: “YOU’LL WEAR IT AND LIKE IT!”

Rudolph: “It’s not very comfortable!”

Donner: “THERE’S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN COMFORT!!!”

Are you happy?  He’s crying now.

So Rudolph leaves the cave, takes off his nose, and sings the same sad song that Hermie sang earlier.  And yes, just like Hermie, he has an emotional break down and starts sobbing uncontrollably.

You’d hope someone would come along and help this poor thing, but instead…

“The pain of others makes me smile!”

…Sam comes back and notes, “Well, time moves on!”

If I never see this guy again it will be too soon.

So the elves decide to do something nice.  I know, I know, no one has done anything nice for ANYONE so far on this show, but hang with me.  See, they decide to perform a song for Santa, a song they’ve written specifically for the old guy.  I don’t want to shock you but…

Do you really want this guy bringing presents to YOUR children?

…Santa hates it and acts like four year old asked to eat brussel sprouts.  Slumping down in your chair?  That is terrible body language and speaks volumes about your character.

Or lack thereof.

Upon their completion of the song, Santa mutters, “Well, it needs work.  I have to go!”  Then he runs off as fast as stop motion will allow.

YOU SUCK!!!

This cause a chain reaction, as the supervisor literally sticks his finger in a poor elf’s face and tells him how terrible he was.  Pretty sure that’s called a shame cycle.

GET OUT LOSER!

The supervisor then finds Hermie, who is back at the toy shop putting teeth into a doll’s mouth.  “I was just trying to find a way to fit in,” Hermie says while looking on hopefully.  This elicits the exact reaction you’d expect.

“YOU’LL NEVER FIT IN!!!!!!”

This causes Herbie to quite literally jump out a window.

No, I am not joking.  The poor little guy looks at the camera, tells us how the boss is right, opens the window, and leaps.

I sure hope they work on the first floor or this is going to take a very grisly turn.

Coach Comet: HEEL

And now we get to meet up with another awful horrible morally bankrupt character, Coach Comet.  He lines up the boys and tells them he wants to be their friend.  I am pretty sure I don’t want to know what that means.

Anyway, he has the boys attempting to fly while giving them very little guidance as one deer after another falls flat on their face, with everyone laughing in the face of each successive failure.

Dude!  Go get some tail!

But finally…FINALLY…someone finds a friend, namely Rudolph, who meets up with another little buck named Fireball.  While it’s nice for someone to do something positive for once, Fireball is also a bit of a sleaze wad, as he tells Rudolph that these reindeer games are all about one thing – impressing the chicks.

I should note that according to the narrative, Rudolph is FOUR YEARS OLD.  I think that’s a bit young to be hunting down some tang.

“You know what they say about a big nose…”

Regardless, Rudolph meets up with Clarise, who as fortune would have it continues our hero’s string of good luck.  She gives him a peck on the cheek and tells him how she thinks he’s cute.

This causes him to leap into the air and start flying about, and even Santa and Coach are impressed with what they see.  But then Rudolph’s phony nose falls off.

And all hell breaks loose.

Get away, freak!

Fireball is the first to have a conniption, literally telling Rudolph to “get away from me!”

Hey you little jerk, no one said anything about your eyes going all googly – maybe you should give your pal an equal break!

HEEL!

The other reindeer start calling Rudolph all kinds of horrible names (“neon nose” has to particularly hurt), but no one jumps in to help him, namely the coach who had just told them he was there to be their friend.  In fact, he tells Rudolph to go home and never come back, as his congenital disorder is so appalling he never wants to see him again.

“Your sperm yielded an inferior creation!”

And then there’s Santa, who heads directly for Donner and tells him how ASHAMED he should be of his child.  Does Donner stand up to Santa?  What do you think?

All this is taking place RIGHT IN FRONT OF RUDOLPH, I should remind you.  The poor kid is so humiliated he runs off for the hills.

Clarise: color blind and proud of it

Clarise goes after Rudolph, attempting to cheer him up with a song that tells us that there is always hope.  There’s always another chance tomorrow. And that is good wisdom to live by.

But of course THAT can’t last, as her dad shows up and tells her to get the heck away from that red nosed freak show.  So she takes off, leaving Rudolph to once more start crying in the snow.

Let’s be social outcasts together!

Thankfully for Rudolph, Hermie pops his head out of a snow bank and the two decide that while the world hates them, they’ll just run off to…well, who knows where…but it’s gotta be better than this God-forsaken land they’re in now.

“I hate you and your bowing pin nose!

The two celebrate by building a snow man of Hermie’s old boss, then punching him right in the face.  While I applaud such displaced agression, I do have to note they really owed it to themselves to also fashion and obliterate frosted versions of Santa, Donner, and Sam as well.

Anyway, they go out into the snow and soon enough run into another complete weirdo, namely…

“Silver and gold (buys a lot of drugs)”

…Yukon Cornelius, prospector of the north, who is always on the lookout for silver and gold.  He attempts to find such precious metals by randomly throwing a pick axe into the air, then licking it after he plucks it out of the ground.  Upon seeing this, my son and I had the following conversation:

RD Jr.: “Is that guy on drugs?”

RD Sr.: “I’m pretty sure he is.”

“Hey Hermie – you don’t need to clean THESE teeth!”

So the group winds up on the run from the Abominable, a snow creature who is apparently evil for no reason at all.  My guess is no one likes him because he smiles.  Seriously, look at that picture – dude looks pretty jovial to me!

That’s unacceptable by this bag of goons!

Why don’t you just change your name, Charlie?

Next we wind up on the legendary Island of Misfit Toys, and they too are literally shedding tears over not being the same as everyone else and being rejected by Santa.  For instance, there’s a train with square wheels and a boat that sinks.  All of which begs the question: who made these toys?  

And shouldn’t you be fashioning snow versions of them to punch in the face?

Rudolph, correctly noting that it was due to his bright nose the Abonimable keeps tracking them down, decides he must leave his friends.  So he jumps on an ice block while they sleep and throws himself into the ocean.

Goodbye cruel world

Amazingly, Rudolph didn’t die.  

Instead, he hit puberty and got horny.

Very horny.

Unspeakably horny.

Oh me so horny!

And by that, I mean he grew up and his antlers came in. Thought I should clarify in case you thought I was referring to something else.

So Rudolph goes home, but his parents and Clarise have all gone out to look for him.  Probably to yell at him some more.  He runs into Santa, who is very worried – not about all the missing reindeer, but rather if Donner doesn’t show up he will have to come up with a plan B for his Christmas Eve fun.

In other words, typical Santa, always thinking about himself.

To that end, while Rudolph volunteers to go out and find everyone, Santa opts to just go back to his castle and do nothing.  I don’t know how much more evidence I can provide that Santa is a complete tool.

Eventually, Rudolph finds Clarise and the rest, who are trapped by the Abominable.  His rescue attempt fails, however, and it’s up to Hermie and Yukon to save the day, which they do by…

What did I do to deserve THIS???

…removing all his teeth.

So in other words, they wanted him to become a freak too.

One who could no longer EAT.

Congrats Christmasland – you’ve made Hermie into a scumbag just like the rest of you.

All those horrible things I said before?  I didn’t mean them!

And you know the rest.  Rudolph gets back, there’s a big storm, and all of a sudden, when it becomes apparent he can use the poor deer’s nasal “nonconformity”, Santa flips the script and explains that he actually LOVES Rudolph and what he is now calling his BEAUTIFUL nose.  

It all just turns my stomach.

This show is something no impressionable child should ever see again.

In fact, it’s something no one should ever see again.

We need to do something about it.

Seriously, gang – if we can get rid of Baby It’s Cold Outside, surely we can do the same to Rudolph, right?


Just in case you didn’t get the joke, that’s called a parody, kids.  Let’s put our social justice pichforks down and just enjoy the Christmas holiday instead, shall we?

I wish all the best of Christmas to each and every one of you…and a very blessed 2019 as well!

Written by

Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often). Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!
43 Responses to "Christmas Induction: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – Love This Show? You Won’t After You Read This!"
  1. James says:

    You know, there have actually been people who called out Rudy for being a celebration of bullying.

    And Baby It’s Coldgate is a total nonfactor in Jersey, as a dozen or so different versions still play daily on the radio.

  2. Paul R. from Spook Central: The Ghostbusters Companion says:

    I always hated this show because they never let me play in the reindeer games. Go listen to the song. They’re calling me out by name.

    — Paul Rudoff

  3. Sean Bateman says:

    Uh RJ, this is way better than the POS sqeuel and other Rudolph films. Heck, there is a Frosty special with Uncle Burt as the narrator.

  4. Josh Owens says:

    I know it is a parody, but this site has gone to shit since it got all preachy.

    • Edanguiano says:

      This article might have been parody, but it’s pretty spot on that this is a terrible movie; and not in a sjw “it’s about bullying” way;it just really is an awful show. I never understood the love for this one.

  5. James Fabiano says:

    I just have one more question….WHYYYYYYYY WEREN’T YOOOOOOOU AT ELF PRAAAAAAAAACTICEEEE?!!!

  6. CP says:

    It’s true though. Santa and Donner really do come off as douchebags.

  7. The Gil-Monster says:

    Gee. What a well-written, analytic and exceptionally argued “parody”.

  8. Jimbolian says:

    I was thinking to myself “Damn, what wrestler resembles that elf supervisor?” And then waking up in a cold sweat, I shouted “CAPTAIN LOU!!!”

  9. Jay says:

    Yukon Cornelius always struck me as a friggen weirdo….what the hell was up with licking the damn pitchfork all the time? Almost 40 years later and I STILL wonder about that guy.

    • That Don Guy says:

      I have heard that there is an explanation to the pick-licking thing. When it first aired, there was a scene (near the end, I think) where he explains that he is digging for peppermint; he licks it to determine if he found any.

  10. Christopher Haydu says:

    I’m with the majority on this one, this induction just pissed me off. I don’t know if there’s ever been an induction that was uninducted due to popular demand, but if the Iron Sheik/Might Macabee match ever resurfaces on Russell crap, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer should be the first to achieve this honor. Yes, Rudolph and the elf deal with a bunch of bullies, but the point is that everybody learns a lesson from their bad behavior. That’s what all the Millennials don’t get. They can’t handle a world where they’re not shielded from any and all criticism and responsibility.

    Does anybody think that Millennials are killing wrestling? the reason I say it is because Millennials probably make up the majority of casual fans that are present when wrestling experiences a boom in popularity. However, we’re talking about about a generation that doesn’t have the patience to watch anything that isn’t on a cell phone screen. So, because of that, they’re not comparable to the Casual fans of the Attitude Era. True, it’s Vince’s fault for not delivering a quality product on a regular basis, but the casual fanbase is so much different than it was during Vince’s prime.

  11. Cuthbert says:

    No mention that the reindeer’s name is Donder, not Donner?

  12. "B-Rock" says:

    Great induction RD. I’m glad someone can speak up on such a deep & disturbing issue like bullying (& abuse) & turn it into such a positive message. I thought I would never see a “classic” like Rudolph in that way. You sir, have earned my respect.

  13. Christopher Haydu says:

    Millennials are the ones who, for the most part, find fault with things like the song Baby It’s Cold outside and, in this case, the Rudolph special. It’s as interesting as it is maddening why a television show or a song that’s been accepted positively by people for decades is now suddenly reviled and has calls for it to be censored.

    When it comes to wrestling, what if this way of overanalyzing storylines and seeing everything as bullying changes the way that people view, say, the rivalry between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vince McMahon in the Attitude Era. What if instead of cheering for Austin, he suddenly becomes despised because all of that beer drinking might cause a troubled teen who has nobody to talk to to sink deeper into addiction and depression? And that profanity? He’s just bullying other wrestlers! When he had that feud against Kane for the 1998 King of the Ring where Kane would light himself on fire if he lost, that was really Austin body shaming Kane! We should accept how Kane looks without his mask on!….

    Obviously, that all sounds ridiculously whiny. But the same would be been said in the eighties and nineties about the idea of the Rudolph special encouraging bullying, but it eventually happened. Given that, in my opinion, it’s naive to think that social justice crybabies won’t eventually have this kind of effect on how wrestling is viewed, either with the current product or the product of the past. That’s why I bring it up.

  14. Larry says:

    How it should have ended, (Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer edition)

    Santa: “What I’m saying is…Rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”

    Rudolph: “So let me get this straight. You’ve basically bullied and harassed me since birth. To the point where my own family felt enough shame & misery to hide my glowing nose. Then, despite my great potential in flying, you, as well as the other reindeer still tease and badger me to the point where you practically exile me. For years! And now…and ONLY now because you actually need me and the thing you’ve teased and tortured me about, you apologize? And expect me to help you out? Screw you guys. I’m going home. Have fun explaining this to millions of disappointed kids.”

  15. gobias says:

    I enjoyed this.

  16. Chris Oakley says:

    RD, I love you like a brother, but in this piece you’re not only off-base, you’re playing in the wrong ballpark. Vince Russo on his worst day could have done a better writing job.

    • RD Reynolds says:

      Wonder if I could get Russo to do a Christmas movie induction next year…hmmmm… lol

      • John C says:

        “Bro, I’ll do an induction for you next year bro for Christmas bro. But I’ll do a swerve bro and instead do a induction about Easter bro, doze marks will lose der minds bro cause they won’t see it coming bro. It’ll be a special treat from Santer Russo, Bro Bro Bro Merry Easter bro.”

      • Chris Oakley says:

        DEAR GOD, NO!!!

  17. CF says:

    Moral: People will treat you like s*** unless, and until, they need something from you.

    _JAWS: The Revenge_ is a better Christmas movie than this….

  18. Jim says:

    I’m sure it’s just because I don’t get it, but I did not like this induction. Maybe I would have laughed if the subject was wrestling, or maybe it just shone a light on the tone of some wrestling inductions that I liked and now wonder why I did so. I don’t even like this movie but hope the next wrestling induction by RD (no chance I’m clicking on a non-wrestling induction for a while after this) doesn’t make me feel like this. What a lump of coal from a site I’ve visited for probably a decade.

    • RD Reynolds says:

      We always do a non-wrestling induction about a Christmas movie the Thursday before Dec 25 every year. So you’re safe until then. 😉

  19. John C says:

    “It’s your old friend Vincent Kennedy McMahon Jr. here, and I want to tell you why this reminds me of my own life. How I overcame adversity like Rudolph did when the federal government came after me and my company. And how my genetic jackhammer compared to that gentle reindeer’s nose, haaa haaa haaa well in my case, you can even say it grows. Because it’s my penis and it’s huge. All those old promoters tried to keep me from staging talent raids. But Verne and all the rest went down harder than Mrs. Claus going after Santa’s candy cane. On New York, on Chicago, on Houston and all the rest because the new XFL will be the best.”

  20. Captain Obvious says:

    Couple of Fun Facts from this film

    This had Burl Ives as the narrator i.e. Sam the Snow Man.
    This also had Paul Soles as Hermie the misfit Elf, whom you may also recognize as the original voice of Spider-Man from the original cartoon series

    Also,. Al Snow must have watched this as a kid. He oftentimes would later refer to Paul Heyman’s ECW as “the land of misfit toys.”

  21. Ivan T.W. says:

    I really like the idea of splitting up the Xmas inductions into their own category. Since there are just so many inductions these days, it might not be a bad idea to make some more categories as well, ie “Crappy Matches”, “Crappy Angles”, “Crappy Movies/TV”, etc.

  22. SL says:

    First time poster……

    Since u parodied “Rudolph”, u should do it’s sequels (official and unofficial). Do “Frosty” and his sequels too (official and unofficial).

    Santa was a jerk (but not as bad) in two other Rankin/Bass holiday specials. See: “T’was the night before Christmas” and “The Year Without a Santa Claus”.

    Also, spoof “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”, “Nestor”, “Drummer Boy” I & II, “Cricket on the Hearth” and other Rankin/Bass shows. “Talk” about how they either showed bad influences, trauma, etc.

    But first Parodied “A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS” (but also it and previous mentioned a best list too).

    (Runs and hides for those that what take everything seriously and think sarcasm and parodies should be outlawed.)

  23. Michael "they call me Mister" Neri says:

    Hi Rd, great induction, had me laughing my ass off, I don’t get why some are hating on this induction. Its a parody people, let it go. Did you ever see MadTV’s parody of this same special? If not, check it out. Anyhow, love the site & keep up the great work!!

  24. Steve says:

    I enjoyed this. Rudolph was one of my favourite specials as a kid, but yeah, when you watch it through adult eyes as I did a few years ago for the first time in quite a while, there are seriously a whole lot of pricks in this thing. Nice work, and merry Christmas!

  25. ben macken says:

    I like santa claus coming to town bette

  26. Tom Nesbitt says:

    If you ask me, the most heinous act involving Rudolph was his torrid affair with Bobby Vinton’s mother, but

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